Defining Parenting Roles With Your Spouse Before Baby
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Quinn Kelly is a busy wife and mother of four boys as well as a marriage and family therapist. She hopes to encourage other moms with laughter and honesty and help remind them that the best part about motherhood has nothing to do with being the “perfect” mom or raising the “perfect” kids, but instead enjoying yourself and your children along the way.
If you like what you are reading and want to hear more from Quinn, follow her personal blog Sanctification and Spitup, which is also found on Facebook.
So it’s a month before your new baby is due to arrive and you and your spouse are ready! You have discussed and scrutinized over every detail of your baby’s upcoming life. And not just once but twenty times. You’ve discussed what name will best represent your baby’s personality, what kind of delivery you want, what diaper brand you believe is best and you’ve even discussed whether your baby would benefit from being a vegan. 😉
But have you taken the time to discuss how you and your spouse plan to balance your parenting duties once baby comes? Or better yet, have you discussed what roles you believe are a father’s responsibility versus the mother’s, which is particularly relevant if one partner is more traditional in their viewpoints and another is more egalitarian.
Well this may seem unnecessary, but I promise you it might be one of the most important things that you and your partner could discuss—even more so than if your baby should be a vegan. Because as wonderful and magical as new babies are, they can add a lot of unexpected stress and change to a marriage or relationship—especially when you have no sleep in your system.
I will never forget the day my best friend called and told me how irritated she was with her husband for not helping her in the night with the baby. She told me, “I’ve never been so frustrated with him before. He used to never make me mad. And now that I’m not getting an ounce of sleep, I want to throw a baby toy at him.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the normalcy of the situation. However, it just goes to show why taking time to talk about things before the birth of baby is useful!
So here’s some tips for getting started with this discussion. Sit down. Get comfy. And ready to talk. Try and not be defensive with one another but instead take a learning stance in your responses to one another. The last thing you want to do is make your partner feel like their thoughts are wrong.
Step 1: Define What You Witnessed as Normal Growing Up
Ask each other what roles you witnessed in your own family for a mom’s role versus a dad’s role. Our own family experience is naturally what defines our sense of normal. And whether we realize it or not, we often recreate those roles. But if you don’t agree with the way your parents did things in parenting, you have to be intentional about changing them. Much like in the first years of marriage.
Answer questions like this:
- Do you believe men and women equally share the role of childrearing? If yes, why? If not, why? (This question is huge in getting realistic expectations set early on!)
- If not, are there certain things that only a Dad does?
- Are there certain things that only a Mom does?
- Are roles flexible based on circumstances or rather rigid? Meaning, if one parent has been up all night with baby, does the other naturally step up to laundry and cooking even if that hasn’t been their traditional role? Or do you feel that no matter what is going on, it is always the father’s role to take out the trash. Etc.
Step 2: Talk Through Your Own Personal Expectations About Your Own Family’s Roles
Now that you’ve discussed what you saw as normal growing up, talk through what YOUR expectations are with your family. Are there things you absolutely loved about the way your family did things? Are there things that you absolutely disagree with too? This is a great time to talk through some of these things and get on the same page with your partner. Especially if you have expectations that some things should go a certain way! Because unmet expectations can lead to frustration.
If your husband comes from a more egalitarian family and you are from a more traditional family, you need to discuss expectations. “I do not feel you need to get up with the baby in the night if I am breastfeeding because I would rather have you rested to let me sleep the next day.” Versus “I absolutely want you up in the night with me the first few weeks we come home because feeling your support is important to me even if the baby just needs me.”
Step 3: Discuss How You Would Handle Challenging Circumstances
As new parents, you may not know all of the parts of parenting a baby, but you have some idea as to what to expect. Here are some common challenges to expect that are important to talk through:
- Female Recovery Post Delivery
- Tackling Breastfeeding
- Finding Time to Sleep
- A Colicky Baby
- Keeping Up with Laundry
- Getting Normal Things in the House Done
- Deciding Where the Baby Sleeps
- Finding Time for Love and Intimacy Post Baby
- Managing In-laws
Is there anything you think will be especially hard on this list? If your husband says to you, “I do not want your mother’s input on how to take care of our baby. I want you and I to figure it out.” This is important to know beforehand. Especially if your mother is planning to come and stay with you for two weeks!
Or if your husband says, “I think it is better for the baby to sleep in her crib from day one” and you were planning to have her in a rock-n-play in your room, this is a good thing to discuss. You might want to negotiate and say, “If that is important to you, then I need you to get up and bring her to me every time she cries because I don’t want to have to continually leave the room.”
Communicating when things are not in the heat of the moment allows for better compromise and hopefully less conflict once baby comes! It is impossible to come up with an exact plan until you’re in the thick of it, but any amount of mental preparation helps. So take some time in the next few weeks to go over some of these things. You won’t regret it!
Cheers to Successfully Balancing Parenting!