A new baby brings smiles, congratulations, and excitement from everyone around you. People talk about the joy, the glow, and the moment you finally meet your baby. What often gets overlooked is the long road that leads there: pregnancy itself.
Pregnancy is life-altering, and despite what we’re told, it isn’t always beautiful or enjoyable. Each experience is different, and each mother feels it in her own way. You do not have to love your pregnancy to love your baby.
If you struggled during pregnancy, you are not alone, and it does not define the kind of parent you are.
Not All Pregnancies Are Blissful
Every pregnancy and your reaction to it are different. Pregnancy is an all-consuming and often overwhelming state of being for the person experiencing it. There are many different circumstances that one may encounter when they find out they are pregnant.
Some situations may not be flawless, and those conditions can significantly impact how you feel about the pregnancy. However, that doesn’t mean a less-than-ideal situation will result in less love for the child. Just like a seemingly idyllic situation doesn’t guarantee a blissful experience. You don’t have to love your pregnancy to love your baby.
In a culture that pushes the narrative that pregnancy is beautiful and a blessing we need to be grateful for, it can feel like loving the experience is your only option. Women who complain about or show any negative emotion towards their pregnancy are often looked down on. These women are incorrectly labeled as “ungrateful” or “unappreciative” of the gift they have been given. It makes me think of something someone close to me said when I was venting about my children’s (lack of) sleep schedules. She said, “Sure, it could be worse. But just because someone could have it worse doesn’t mean what you’re going through isn’t bad for you.”
In a world of oversharing and using our online platforms to (mostly) post our highlight reels, we feel the need to fit the mold. We see mothers doing it all . . . and they’re doing it all while pregnant. They look great. They feel blessed. We’re stuck, wondering why we aren’t feeling all of the things they are. We question our nature. Do I not have a maternal instinct? We question our desire. Do I actually want this baby? We even question our own ability. Will I be a good mom? The solidarity we are searching for is there, though. We just have to dig beyond the flowers and into the dirt a bit.
Related: How My Second Pregnancy Was a Completely Different Experience
Your Reasons for Disliking Pregnancy Are Valid
Robyn Horsager-Boehrer, an Obstetrician in Dallas, wrote a post about how she realized so many women experience negative feelings toward their pregnancies.1 The reasons behind this mostly come down to common denominators that the mothers are experiencing. However, the conversations are not being had frequently enough.
Women who find out they are expecting often feel down about their symptoms (like morning sickness or gestational diabetes), shocked that they are pregnant (more than half of pregnancies are a surprise!), feeling uncertain about their situation (an unsettling feeling over the many risks possible), or having a hard time adjusting their lifestyle! All of these reasons are valid, and they fall within a sliding scale of emotional, physical, and financial stress that can come with the news of a baby on the way.
Related: 6 Reasons You Might Not Enjoy Being Pregnant
When Feeling Sick Affects Your Mood
“Nausea, nausea, go away . . . and please don’t come back another day!” may be the anthem you’ve been humming to yourself since day one of your pregnancy. More than 50% of women experience some form of morning sickness.2 And don’t be fooled! The name doesn’t always match the timeframe. It can be an all-day event, taking you well out of the first trimester, even. It is no wonder that women have negative feelings towards a state of being when basic functions can be hard to manage.
The intense feeling of nausea or even getting physically sick can interfere with a woman’s day-to-day responsibilities. If she spends the entire morning meeting in the bathroom at work or is unable to gather herself to get her other children to school, the last thing the world needs to tell her is to be grateful. The misery she is experiencing does not correlate to her relationship with or feelings toward the child she is carrying. A mother does not have to keep her feelings to herself about an uncomfortable situation just to save face with a world that is already too scrutinizing of moms’ behaviors and choices.
Surprises Take Time To Welcome
A woman is expected to have it all. We sometimes feel like the weight of the world is on our shoulders. Maybe that’s because it is. We are the creators — the givers of every life to walk this earth. We solely handle the intense pressure of deciding when, how, and if we can and will start a family. How do we handle it if the decision is made for us?
Dr. Horsager-Boehrer states that over 50% of pregnancies are unplanned.1 Imagine how much scrutiny you would face if you told the world it was inconvenient or bad timing. The woman who admits to it would be ridiculed, but she would be telling the truth. We need to realize that the most important thing is offering support to someone who may not be thrilled about having a baby at that time. It is possible and probable that, although she may need to take a moment to grieve the plan she may have had, she loves the baby she is carrying and will make the best possible choice for them. If I haven’t reminded you, you do not have to love your pregnancy to love your baby!
Sharing Your Body Is Intense
Sharing your body with another human is scary. When a woman finds out they are expecting, everything about her changes. Even if no one else can see it, it’s this intense paradigm shift — that only she is experiencing. Unfortunately, even in a planned and stable situation, there are reasons to feel anxious and overwhelmed with your pregnancy. The Mayo Clinic research shows that 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage.3 Miscarriage is such a scary term, and women who have personal experiences with or know someone who has suffered a miscarriage will have to face this fear every day until their baby is safe in their arms.
I specifically remember having to overpower my anxieties during my third pregnancy because it was not planned, and my mental state suffered a bit. It took weeks for us to tell anyone, and I felt very alone. One day, it clicked for my husband and me, and we slowly started leaking the news. My shift came with intense anxiety. I felt like the pregnancy wouldn’t last and that I was doomed to face the karma of my reaction. The pregnancy took a while to sink in, but that didn’t make me any less of a mother.
When my third child was placed on my chest, I felt the same love I had felt with her siblings years before. I didn’t love my pregnancy, but I absolutely adore my daughter. You do not have to love your pregnancy to love your baby.
