What My Friend's Miscarriage Helped Me Understand About My Own
Subscribe Search

What My Friend’s Miscarriage Helped Me Understand About My Own

One of the worst moments of my life was realizing I was having a miscarriage. Another worst?Finding out my friend just experienced one too.

Published April 11, 2018 Opinion

One of the worst moments of my life was realizing I was having a miscarriage.

Another worst?

I found out one of my oldest friends had just experienced one as well. Hers happened during the same timeframe, and our babies were the same gestational age. It felt like I was reliving my experience all over again through her. I was absorbing her pain in a way I had never felt before but quickly snapped out of it when I realized I was making this about me. “No,” I resolved to myself. I’d be there for her in any way she needed. Whether that meant I would be there for her as a sounding board for how absolutely unfair it was to try for so long and have this happen, or if she just wanted someone to ask those personal, awkward questions to, I would be there.

Instead, something strange happened. This sweet friend of mine and I were exchanging texts when I first found out, and I lamented apologies and offered up all the things I wish I had heard when I had my miscarriage. Her texts back were simultaneously hopeful and sad, but she said to me, “It’s okay. We’ve decided not to dwell on it.”

Whoa. Color me shocked—how did she not want to grieve in the same way I had? After all, she’d just had this incredibly traumatic thing happen to her. As I pondered this, the gray text dots reappeared in our conversation. “We’re sad, but we’re going to be sad and then move on. We’ll try again soon, and I know these things happen sometimes. We’re hopeful.”

I continued our conversation, sure that she would need to further confide in me, break down, or show some other sign of needing help. What happened, though, was that her words of hope stayed with me. While her strength astounded me, something about it also began to resonate with me. Why had I wallowed in the “why me” for so long? Why hadn’t anyone bothered to come and pull me out of the slump I sank so deeply into? Or, perhaps they did try, but I was too busy throwing the world’s most morbid pity party to pay attention.

All of this isn’t to say I don’t think she’s grieving or should grieve. It’s to highlight her resilience, grace, and inner peace regarding this heartbreaking matter.

We’ve told each other countless times that rainbows come after the storm. So why aren’t we looking towards that rainbow instead of buying dozens of rain boots? Why shouldn’t the tone shift for women who experience loss? I walked through my entire pregnancy with storm clouds over my head, letting the past loss dominate what should have been a glorious, illuminating experience. Instead, I was hesitant to get excited. I didn’t buy clothes until the last possible moment. Even now, with a nearly one-year-old daughter who is as healthy as they come, I still fear the next pregnancy for the same reasons. I’ve been so scared of getting excited that I lost sight of the power and joy that lies within hope.

Hope has moved people to do the unthinkable, to accomplish the impossible, and to heal. It should be at the core of something like a loss because it will inspire us to move on and make peace with what has happened. My friend’s loss taught me that a hopeful heart is one on its way to the next best thing, and looking to a brighter future does not necessarily mean you are ignoring the past.

Was this article helpful?
  • Author

Old mom to a chocolate lab and new mom to a baby girl, former teacher and current higher education professional. Read more

Sad woman dealing with loss and psychological trauma

How to Know If You’re Having a Miscarriage

Cropped shot of an unrecognizable woman taking a pregnancy test at home.

Chemical Pregnancy: What You Need To Know

Sad female patient looking at doctor in hospital

What Is a Blighted Ovum?

Condolence and support concept. Caring woman hugging her crying black girlfriend, comforting her after receiving bad news

10 Things Never to Say to a Bereaved Parent

Artificial Insemination. The concept of conceiving a child.

Understanding Infertility with Dr. Amy – Podcast Ep 85

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend holding the baby they lost.

11 Celebrity Miscarriages: Strong Women Open Up