What to Do When You Can’t Agree on a Baby Name

Choosing a name for your precious son or daughter can be fraught with emotion.¹ Trying to get two people with their likes, dislikes, biases, and triggers to agree on something as important as a name can be tricky.

When my husband and I were trying to pick a name for our daughter, we couldn’t agree for many months. I would get anxious thinking that our poor child would be born, and we would still be undecided about her name. Luckily, at the last minute, we found a name we both loved. Sometimes, it takes quite a few long, patient discussions to find a name you both love.

How to Start the Baby-Name Conversation

1. Set Out Some Criteria

Before starting the process, you should set out some basic criteria you can agree on. Perhaps your partner worries that a particular name could invite teasing. Or maybe you don’t want to name your son Chad because that was the name of your jerky high school boyfriend. Whatever your criteria are, write them down and at least agree to abide by those boundaries when looking at names.

For me, I wanted my kids to have unique names that had special meanings. That helped guide my husband and me when choosing their names.

Related: How To Choose a Baby Name: 12 Things To Consider

2. Understand Your Partner’s Preferences

Instead of dismissing your partner’s objections to a name suggestion, listen to the reasons behind the opposition. Is it too common? Does it remind your partner of someone? Do they prefer a different style of name? Try to take a neutral third-party perspective when discussing each other’s reasons for disliking any given name. And keep in mind you are both on the same team. You both want the best for your son or daughter, including the right name.

3. Make Separate Lists, Then Swap

One way my husband and I determined the perfect name for our kids was by making separate lists of names. We then swapped lists and allowed each other to cross out whichever names they didn’t like. That helped us narrow down the names we could consider as a team.

4. Take a Time Out

Take a break if you’ve been arguing for days, maybe weeks, or even months about your baby’s name. Table the subject for a few days and let yourselves focus on other things for a while. After a time, come back together and see if anyone has had a change of heart or new suggestions.

More Ways to Find a Name You Both Like

If you’re still stuck, these options may help. Agree on the approach together before trying it, and keep looking if either of you genuinely dislikes the result.

1. Take Turns Choosing

If you both like the idea of taking turns, one parent could take the lead on this baby’s name. You could switch roles if you have another child. Either way, choose a name both of you can accept. I have a friend who agreed with her husband that he could choose the name if the baby were a boy, and she would choose if it were a girl.

2. Flip a Coin

If you both like the final two names and would be happy with either, a coin toss can break the tie. Assign one name to heads and the other to tails, then flip! If the result leaves either of you disappointed, keep talking rather than treating it as final.

3. Ask Friends and Family for Input

If you two can’t decide between names you both like, try asking friends and family to vote on your shortlist. Heck, if you’re feeling brave, you could make the poll public! Treat the votes as input, though. You and your partner still get the final say.

4. Split the First- and Middle-Name Choices

This option really helped my husband and me when we were trying to name our daughter. I was set on the baby’s middle name, and he had no objection. He knew it meant a lot to me. After arguing over the first name, my mother gently told me, “Why don’t you let him choose the first name since you chose the middle name? It’s his baby as much as it is yours.” That really hit home.

So, after he made his baby name list and let me cross off all the ones I couldn’t deal with (and put a star next to the ones I preferred), he made his choice. And we both ended up loving the name.

5. Wait Until You Meet the Baby

Who says your baby has to have a name before it’s born? What if you need to meet your little one first and have him or her tell you who they want to be? In this case, maybe prepare a list of your top five names and wait until your baby makes their appearance before you decide.

It took my husband and me months to agree, so I know how frustrating the wait can feel. Give each other time to explain what matters most, and keep the names you both like on the list. If you need more ideas to compare, browse our baby names hub.