Most partners are unaware of what labor and childbirth will be like, except for what they’ve seen in movies and TV shows. And in reality, they need to forget about all that! Having a baby from start to finish within 15 to 30 minutes (we wish!) is unrealistic. Labor can sometimes (very rarely) happen quickly, but it doesn’t most of the time. This is especially the case if she’s expecting her first baby.¹ When labor and birth happen in real life, partners can feel overwhelmed and clueless about what to do and how to best help and support their partner when she needs it the most.

I’ve had several partners ask me what the top things they need to know are so they can best support their partner during the birth of their baby. Having been a doula for the last 14 years and supporting hundreds of women during their births, I believe these are the best ways to support your partner through one of the biggest experiences of their life. Here are my 7 tips for partners to be the best birth partner.

How Partners Can Support Mom During Labor

Every labor looks a little different, but there are simple, meaningful ways partners can help. These practical tips will guide you through each stage of the process.

1. Know What To Expect During Labor

Knowing what labor typically looks like can make the whole process feel a lot less overwhelming for both of you.

One of the best ways to support your laboring partner is to know what to expect during labor. This will help you feel more empowered and knowledgeable about what’s happening. I highly recommend that partners prepare for their baby’s birth by attending a childbirth class together.

All hospitals and birth centers offer classes, and — in most towns — several offsite classes are also available in each community. Be sure to explore all your options and discuss with your partner which class is best for both of you. Each type focuses on different topics and comfort techniques during labor. By taking a class or series of classes, you’ll learn what is and isn’t normal. You’ll also be able to better advocate for her and help her every step of the way.

Note: I personally prefer and recommend non-hospital classes for preparing for childbirth and parenthood. This way, there are no restrictions on what the instructor can or can’t teach you or how they can answer your questions. I’m not saying hospital classes aren’t valuable, but it’s very challenging to cover all the important, evidence-based information in one class to truly prepare you for the big day.

I prefer parents to learn all the available options for each part of labor and birth, what to expect, and what’s normal. That’s why we also offer our SOAR Pregnancy & Birth Prep Challenge, a childbirth class available in our app that fully prepares you and your partner for childbirth and the postpartum period.

Related: The 5 Love Languages of Labor and Delivery

2. Help Time Her Contractions

As labor begins to build, timing contractions can give you a clearer picture of how things are progressing.

First, you don’t need to time her contractions when she starts feeling them. Once you both recognize that her contractions are consistent, getting closer together, and intensifying in strength in a way that you can no longer ignore them, this is a good time to start timing them. This will help you see how long and far apart they are.²

I always recommend my clients download a “contraction timer” app on their phones. There are numerous free options available. Having an app makes timing and tracking your partner’s contractions so much easier. If you don’t have a smartphone, ensure your watch has a readable second hand and have a pen and paper to record the contractions. You will time your partner’s contractions from the beginning of one contraction to the beginning of the next. Count the frequency of each contraction in minutes.³

Partner Tip: If your partner has regular, intense contractions lasting 30 seconds or longer, she’s probably in early labor.⁴ Ensure that she gets enough rest during early labor so she has enough energy for active labor, transition labor, and pushing.

3. Avoid Going to the Hospital Too Early

I know it’s exciting when your partner announces she is having contractions! But please don’t rush to the hospital the minute she says she’s in labor. If you do, more than likely, her contractions aren’t frequent or strong enough, and her cervix probably hasn’t dilated enough to be admitted into labor and delivery. That means they will turn you both away, and you’ll have to return home.

To save yourself from making the trip several times, try not to watch the clock. Help your partner take her mind off the contractions. Again, you want to make sure she’s getting plenty of rest. She will need her energy for the rest of her labor and pushing. However, you can mix it up with some activities to do while waiting for labor to start: go for a walk, visit the mall or a museum, watch a movie, or bake cookies (her nurses will love it if you bring them cookies!).

Do whatever your partner will enjoy to take her mind off labor without getting exhausted. Also, home is a much more comfortable place when she’s in labor. She can eat, drink, and walk around freely without being hooked up to an IV or monitors. She can also nap in her own bed, and so can you!

Related: When To Go to the Hospital in Labor

Here are a couple of other things to look out for before taking her to the hospital:

Contractions

Remember, as a general rule, if the contractions are five minutes apart or less, lasting one minute or longer, and continue in this pattern for at least an hour, you can go to the hospital.⁵ If her labor starts at night, help her get back to sleep for a few hours.⁶ Try rubbing her lower back and putting a warm compress/heating pad on her lower back. This can help relieve some of the pain.

Water Breaking

If her water breaks first, here’s a list of questions you need to ask her:

• “When your water broke, was it a gush of fluid or just a trickle?” This will let you know if it was a high tear (a trickle of water) or a low tear (big gush).⁷
• “Is the fluid clear, or is there a color to it?” If there’s a yellow, brown, or greenish color in the water, it means there’s meconium (baby’s first poop) in the water. This could mean that your baby is in distress since it’s already pooped inside.^8,9
• “Does it have a distinct foul smell?” Not that the water/amniotic fluid is odorless, but it shouldn’t smell completely foul. If there’s a very distinct foul smell, it could be a sign of an infection.⁸
• “Do you still feel the baby moving?” This is the MOST critical question. If the water broke and there was a big gush, the umbilical cord could’ve slipped through the cervix (cord prolapse). This can cut off the oxygen and circulation to your baby.¹⁰ If she doesn’t feel baby move as usual, drive immediately to the hospital if you live nearby or call 9-1-1.

Note: Water will continue to come out until the baby is born. So, don’t worry about it still leaking.¹¹

If the color is clear, there’s no distinct smell, and she can feel the baby move, you have up to 12 hours to get to the hospital.¹² However, if she isn’t feeling contractions after her water has broken, have her get up, go for a walk, sit on an exercise or birthing ball, do nipple stimulation, press on acupressure points, etc., to try and naturally induce labor and help contractions come. If you go to the hospital and there are no contractions, but her water is broken, they won’t let you go back home, and she will be induced.¹³

4. Be an Active Participant

Make sure the laboring mother remains hydrated during early labor by drinking plenty of fluids.^14,15 Pour her a glass of water, Gatorade, Labor aide, Pedialyte, or herbal tea to prevent dehydration.

Ensure she doesn’t eat anything too heavy or acidic, which can cause her to vomit during labor. Offer her light food in early labor, like fruit, crackers, trail mix, yogurt, broth, a protein shake, or anything bland.^14,16 She won’t get anything to eat at the hospital (maybe a sugar-free popsicle) while in labor, so she needs to have something to boost her energy.

Many experienced professionals will be available to assist you at the hospital or birth center, but you will be your partner’s most important support. So be there for her! Some things you can do to help are:^17,18,19,20

• Hold her hand
• Help her focus on slowing down her breathing
• Massage her
• Do counter pressure on her hips and or sacrum
• Make the room the right temperature for her
• Dim the lights to calm the atmosphere
• Help her change positions at least every hour (see best early labor positions, active labor positions, and transition labor positions)
• Remind her to use the restroom every hour so her bladder doesn’t hold up baby’s head
• Walk with her through the halls
• Get her ice chips
• Get a wet, cold washcloth and wipe her forehead and brow to cool her down
• Coach her through each contraction and have her relax all her muscles
• Take pictures or videos to remember this incredible moment — you will only have this moment once with your baby
• Get a hot or cold pack to relieve pain in her lower abdomen and lower back
• Keep track of the music playing so she can stay relaxed (if she wants music, have her check out these songs to put on her birth playlist)
• Tell her she’s doing an amazing job and that you’re so proud of her
• Write down when things happened and when funny things were said. This way, you have a record and can remember special moments that happened on this big day
• If she has an epidural, help her rotate from her left side to her right side, and have her sit up every 30 minutes to an hour and keep her pelvis open (side-lying)

Do whatever she asks you to do when she needs it. If she gets frustrated with you, don’t take it personally. She’s going through something extremely difficult and needs your support.

Related: 20 Natural Pain Relief Options to Help Ease Labor Pain

5. Be Her Advocate During Labor

After you’ve both taken a childbirth class, talk to your partner about what she does and doesn’t want during her labor and birth. This is essentially discussing your birth plan. If you decide not to hire a doula to support you during this time, you are the one who needs to take charge and communicate to the doctor, midwife, or nurse what your partner wants or needs in each moment. To do that, communication during her pregnancy is key, so you know what she wants.

The doctor (or midwife) and nurses are there to ensure your partner and baby are healthy and doing well during labor and birth. However, you play a significant role in helping your partner feel comfortable and communicate their wishes. Sometimes, your care provider will recommend something that isn’t 100% necessary. It’s up to you to understand what your partner wants, so you can effectively advocate for her and your own wishes.

Birth Plan

If you and your partner have written a birth plan, bring it with you to the hospital so you can share it with your nurses and the doctor on call. If you haven’t written one, there are many reasons why you should create a birth plan. Including, so the hospital can be aware of your wishes, and you won’t have to remember and speak up each moment about your preferences, wants, and/or needs. So, I highly recommend writing a birth plan. Be sure to bring more than one copy in case it gets lost!

Related: Create the Perfect Birth Plan (Free Template & Checklist)

6. Be Flexible and Prepared

Birth rarely goes exactly as planned, so staying flexible will help you support her with confidence no matter what comes up.

You and your partner may have a certain way you want your baby to be born. But it’s ultimately up to your baby. Things can change if your baby is breech, is tangled in the umbilical cord, has a low heart rate, etc. If the baby is okay, you can try other things before resorting to a C-section. However, you need to be flexible with your plan and prepared for any changes that may occur.

It’s important to ask questions and watch videos about vaginal births and C-sections before the big day. You don’t want to be caught off guard or unsure of what’s happening. It can cause a lot of fear in you and your partner, which is something neither of you wants to experience during the birth of your baby.

Related: Vaginal Birth vs. C-Section: What’s Right for You?

7. Hire a Doula

If this all sounds overwhelming and too much to handle, that’s okay. It’s normal to feel this way. Men used to not even be allowed in the delivery room, and now they’re expected to be experts at supporting laboring women.²¹

Nowadays, partners are expected to know how to support their partners in having a beautiful and happy birth experience. To massage her, get her ice, fan her until she cools down, coach her through each contraction, keep her comfortable, determine the next position for her to get in, advocate for her, and more. You’re also becoming a father at this moment, too. It’s a lot to handle! A doula will honor all of this.

Hiring a doula will allow you to have another support person in the room. They will be there to inform you and your partner about what’s happening and your options. She will also keep your partner as comfortable as possible through massage, counter pressure, hydrotherapy, and being their advocate, among other services (learn what a birth doula does).²²

I always tell partners that, like in any sport, you need a good coach to help you prepare to win the game. Doulas do the same thing and serve as the mom and partner’s coach during labor and childbirth. By hiring a doula, you can enjoy more of this time becoming a parent, have a better outcome, and “win” your desired birth experience.

Related: What Is a Doula? What They Do and the Benefits of Having One

Birth is a team effort, and partners play a powerful role in helping mom feel safe, supported, and encouraged. With preparation, communication, and a little confidence, you can show up in the best way possible on the big day.