Playtime with my daughter can be tough because she is a harsh taskmaster. Sometimes, I struggle to keep up or get the rules right. My bossy toddler gets an idea in her mind of how playing or a game will unfold — she holds a doll, and I feed them, and she’ll say, “No, not that way, Mommy, like this!” She is so rigid that it’s a cue for a meltdown when things don’t go her way. I often try to reframe this as her having strong opinions and leadership skills, but sometimes it’s just plain bossiness.
Bossiness is sometimes just kids being kids; wanting control over their world is a normal developmental milestone. However, parenting a bossy toddler or child can be a daunting task. So, why are they bossy, and what are some strategies you can use to navigate this challenging behavior?
This article explains why kids can be bossy and offers practical, psychologist-backed strategies to help you respond calmly and effectively.
Why Kids Act Bossy and What Causes It
A demanding toddler or child is a normal part of development. They are starting to learn that their actions influence the behavior of people around them, and they like feeling in control of their world. Control makes them feel in charge, empowered, and safe.1 However, beyond the normal developmental need to feel in control, there could be other reasons for bossiness:
- Structure and routine: A child who thrives with a strict routine or loves structure may be somewhat bossy and prefer things to happen in a certain way or at a specific time.
- Change and control: Wanting control is normal, but make sure your child isn’t behaving this way because of a recent significant change or something outside their ability to control — such as moving, starting school, or getting a new sibling. When significant events occur, they may exert more control over their surroundings to mitigate the discomfort associated with the change.
- Anxiety or worry: A need for control (and subsequent bossy behaviors) could be caused by underlying fears or anxiety. Some children may feel driven to control their world to manage these worries.
- Mirroring: Our little people copy what they see. As grown-ups and parents, we often tell our kids to do things or make things happen because of our own needs, routines, and so on. This can feel or look like bossiness to our kids, so they copy what we do.
Understanding the root of your child’s bossiness makes it easier to respond calmly and support their developing independence.
Related: Anxiety in Children
How To Handle a Bossy Child
While there are many reasons behind bossy or demanding behavior, you may still want to know how to get your child to stop being bossy.
1. Let Them Be In Charge
Well, not of everything! But of some age-appropriate things. You will find that they exert fewer demands when their need for control is fulfilled. So let them choose their snack or T-shirt, or give them some choices (not too many, mind you, or it causes confusion) so they feel empowered and in charge.
2. Give Them Choices Within Rules
You don’t need to stop having boundaries; consider rephrasing them. Instead of saying, “It’s time to put on your shoes and brush your teeth,” you could say, “You need to put on your shoes and brush your teeth. Which would you like to do first?” The rule or boundary is still in place, but you give them some sense of control within the situation, which can help alleviate their bossiness.
3. Model What You Want From Them
Show them what you expect. As a parent, yes, you may need your child to do certain things sometimes, but make sure to use your manners and ask for things politely to show them what you expect in return.
Related: Important Manners to Teach Kids (and How To Do It)
4. Validate How Tough It Is When Things Don’t Go Their Way
We all struggle when things don’t go our way, so tell them you understand. You don’t have to rush to fix it or make things better. By being present with them and demonstrating you understand and are connected to their emotions, they will feel better.2 As a psychologist, I often remind parents that children feel calmer and more regulated when their emotions are acknowledged rather than immediately solved.
5. Build Their Empathy
Perhaps your child is bossy without realizing that it can hurt or make others uncomfortable. Try asking them questions or getting them to think about how they feel when their friends don’t take turns or their older sibling bosses them around. When they develop empathy, they will begin to recognize the impact of their bossiness and behavior on others.
Related: How to Teach Empathy to Kids
6. Encourage Turn-Taking
Help your child learn how to share with others and take turns. You could use a timer or redirect them to another game/play, and also let them know how tough sharing can be. Learning to share or take turns can help stem some bossy behavior when they learn the art of give-and-take.
Helping our children navigate their social world and relationships is essential, particularly if you have a toddler who can be somewhat bossy. They may need your support to learn how to manage big emotions when things don’t go their way or find other ways to navigate play and games fairly and more equally with others.
It can also help to reframe the word “bossy” as “strong-willed,” “direct,” or “confident” when appropriate. Having a child who knows what they want can be a wonderful strength — they just need guidance learning how to integrate, share, and manage those qualities as they grow.
With your support and consistent modeling, your child can learn to channel their strong will in healthy, respectful ways and become the best version of themselves.
