“It’s mine!” If you have a toddler, you have likely heard this cry at some point, perhaps even several times a day. Many parents find themselves in situations where their child refuses to share with friends or struggles to play cooperatively. Teaching kids to share can feel tricky, especially because toddlers naturally go through a “mine” or “gimme” phase.
Developmentally, young children don’t always understand why sharing matters. Sharing requires skills like waiting, patience, and managing big emotions, all of which are still developing.¹ While sharing and cooperation are important social skills, there are realistic and supportive ways parents can encourage toddlers to build them over time.
Why Sharing Is Important
As grown-ups, we understand the importance of teaching our kids to share. It helps them make and maintain friendships, cooperate toward shared goals, take turns, and manage disappointment when things don’t go their way.1 It’s a vital social skill because learning to share helps us get along with others, develop strong and mutually beneficial relationships (if we give a little, we receive things in return), and essentially learn that sharing is caring.
Why Toddlers Struggle To Share
Toddlers struggle with sharing toys and other resources, such as food and attention, because they have to give up something, which is emotionally challenging for them. In part, it’s because they don’t fully understand the importance of learning to share (give and take) and that it doesn’t always mean permanently losing something if they share it.
Toddlers also struggle because they haven’t yet figured out that giving or sharing is likely to result in receiving something in return; however, when toddlers play together, both may find it challenging to share or take turns.2 They also struggle with patience and might find it tricky to practice taking turns as they have difficulty waiting. Sharing also means your toddler needs to manage big feelings, a skill that is still emerging at this age, so tantrums and meltdowns are quite common.3
When Is Sharing Developmentally Appropriate?
Sharing is a skill learned over time, and young children must master a few other skills before they are developmentally capable of sharing.
Toddlers
Toddlers might not share in a traditional sense, and it’s probably unrealistic to expect them to share and take turns consistently. However, we might see them starting to give resources to others to reap the benefits. So they aren’t sharing because they are compassionate or understand that it can be reciprocal (i.e., I’ll get to take my turn soon or get something back in exchange). Instead, it’s more that they will receive some benefit from giving something away.4 So, toddlers might give a toy to their parents because they expect or want to receive praise in return, or they might share a cookie with a sibling to stop them from crying.
Preschoolers
Preschoolers are beginning to understand rules, fairness, and how this relates to taking turns and sharing. They might still struggle with doing this if it means giving up something or having difficulty waiting for their turn. They may also struggle with empathy, as they often do not fully understand how or why others might feel a certain way (e.g., that person might be sad if I won’t let them have a turn on the swings). However, they may start identifying the social element and the benefits of giving and receiving. They can better manage big feelings, and we can use words to reason with them or ask for their cooperation, so we start to see sharing become easier from age three onward.2,3
Related: How to Teach Empathy to Kids
How To Teach Kids To Share
Although sharing depends partly on developmental readiness, there are practical strategies parents can use to support this skill. Activities that help children learn about sharing often work best when they start at home.
Talk About It
Share your thoughts about taking turns and why sharing is positive, or acknowledge when you notice good sharing behavior so they can spot it happening and take note. For instance, saying something like, “Wow, your big sister did a great job sharing her toys with you. That was kind of her.” This can get them to think about and notice when people share (particularly what it feels like when someone shares with them).
Play Sharing Games With Them
This could be a simple board game or cooking, baking, and taking turns stirring the ingredients together. You can even set a timer to practice taking turns by swapping a toy back and forth.
Modeling, Sharing, and Taking Turns
Our little people are always watching us and learning how to act by observing how we manage situations. If you want your child to learn how to share, they will learn by seeing you share, cooperate, and take turns. They will also notice how you handle the challenge of doing this. For example, you might say, “It’s so hard to wait my turn, so I’m going to try and play with another toy while I wait,” or share how you manage or problem-solve to help deal with the situation.
Reading Books About Sharing
Reading together is a lovely way to get some quality time with your child, and books about sharing can also be wonderful tools for preschoolers. This is because they can see how sharing is portrayed and how characters in the book handle it. Reading is a non-confrontational way of exposing children to situations and giving them knowledge or skills without requiring them to do it themselves yet. You could use the story as a jumping-off point to start a conversation about sharing, how tricky it can be, and how they can learn some skills to help them practice it.
Remember: Practice Makes Perfect
Our children need time and practice to get it right. So give them plenty of chances to practice sharing. If you practice this at home, when they need to apply this skill in real life, they will have a better chance of doing it successfully.
Set Your Expectations
If you know a situation is coming up where they need to share or take turns, communicate your expectations or boundaries beforehand. For instance, “Okay, we are having your friend over for a play date. You have many favorite toys, but your friend will also want to play with them. So, if you have a toy you both want to play with, I can help you both take turns fairly.”
Manage Big Feelings
Sometimes, strong emotions arise when our kids don’t want to share. Helping them develop skills to manage big emotions can make it easier for them to take turns or allow others to play and share. If they are angry, you could help them shift some energy by jumping, stamping, singing loudly, or doing star jumps. You could also encourage calm breathing or other relaxation strategies. Or, if they are sad, you could help them identify ways to feel better, such as cuddling, reading a book, finding their favorite teddy, listening to music, etc.
Teaching our children to share is a crucial milestone in their development. However, it’s also important to understand that forced sharing can teach the wrong lessons. Children may accidentally learn that they can interrupt and take what they want, that being loud or persistent gets their needs met, or that grown-ups are responsible for deciding who gets what and when.
Instead of forcing children to share, focus on building empathy and helping them develop skills to manage big feelings, while showing them what sharing looks and feels like in everyday life. This approach has a much stronger impact on a child’s willingness to share. Over time, it supports the development of patience, empathy, and the ability to handle tricky social and emotional situations.
