Anger often gets a bad rap, and this is because people frequently confuse it with aggression. But anger itself is not the problem. In fact, it is necessary. When handled constructively, it helps our kids advocate for themselves, protect their needs and boundaries, identify and right wrongs, and manage big emotions. What matters is not stopping our kids from feeling angry; instead, we want to teach them how to be angry in healthy and adaptive ways.
As our kids grow and develop, they are constantly learning how to make sense of and manage their big feelings. Research shows how vital this process is, and children who develop emotional regulation skills early are more likely to succeed socially and academically.1 When children learn to suppress their emotions (yes, anger, I am talking about you), those feelings or underlying needs do not disappear. They can surface in more disruptive or unhealthy ways later on.2 So, let us look at how we can help our children express their anger without hurting themselves or others.
Key Takeaways
- Anger is a normal emotion that should not be suppressed but managed constructively.
- Teaching kids to recognize and express anger helps build emotional regulation skills.
- Four healthy strategies include naming and normalizing anger, modeling calmness, helping kids channel their anger safely, and reflecting after emotional outbursts.
- By understanding anger as a message, children can develop empathy and emotional intelligence.
- It’s crucial to equip children with tools to manage their anger appropriately for lifelong resilience.
4 Healthy Ways To Teach Your Child To Express Anger
These strategies help your child understand their anger, express it safely, and build emotional regulation skills they can use for life.
1. Name It and Normalize It
To tame anger, our little ones must first understand what anger is, why it happens, and that it’s a normal emotion and response to things happening in their world. When we tell them, “It’s okay to feel angry,” or “Having angry feelings is normal,” we’re teaching them that emotions are simply messages and nothing to be frightened or worried about. And when we give those feelings names (like “Upset,” “Frustrated,” or “Disappointed”), it helps them process their emotions more effectively.3
Labeling their emotions is the first step in learning to regulate themselves. It improves their ability to manage big feelings and can reduce behavioral issues.
Related: Emotional Literacy Is Critical To Kids Identifying Their Emotions
2. Model Being Cool, Calm, and Collected
Our children learn directly from the way that we handle ourselves. They’re observing what we do and say when we experience a range of emotions. This gives them a blueprint for how to react to similar circumstances.
If we can remain calm and show respect even when angry, we can teach our kids how to do the same. This is thought to happen through co-regulation, which is when a child learns or processes something due to support from someone else. In this case, that “someone” is their parent or caregiver (i.e., they learn how to handle anger when they see how you manage it).2
3. Help Them Channel It (Safely)
Has anyone ever told you to “calm down” when you were feeling frustrated? And did that work? Most likely . . . never. Telling our kids to calm down when they’re having a meltdown is just as ineffective. Rather, we need to help them channel their big feelings safely so they don’t harm themselves or others.
One idea is to create “stompy feet,” where you draw or print out footprints that they can stomp, step, or jump on to get their big feelings out. Or if they feel like shouting, you could encourage them to sing a song really loudly instead.
They can also do star jumps, bounce on a trampoline, or jog on the spot to shift the extra energy that comes with angry feelings. Another great strategy is ripping or crumpling paper or squeezing and pulling playdough apart.5
Related: Tantrum or Meltdown: How to Tell the Difference and Help Your Child
4. Connect and Reflect
In the midst of your child’s meltdown, it’s not the time for a lecture or learning. But when the dust has settled, it’s important to calmly reflect with them about what happened.
When things have calmed down, name the feeling and the reaction you saw, and then work on developing some healthy strategies moving forward. For instance: “Hey buddy, I know you felt so mad that your sister wouldn’t share her toy. But instead of shouting and snatching her toy, what could we do the next time we feel mad?” You could then offer more effective strategies for the situation.
The goal is to model problem-solving and reinforce that you’re a safe person and space for them, even when they’re struggling.6
The Bottom Line on Kids and Anger
Teaching our kids to really feel their anger and appropriately express this emotion is vital to their overall well-being. It’s not only about avoiding a meltdown; it’s about equipping them with skills they’ll use throughout their lifetime, such as resilience, empathy, and emotional intelligence. If our children understand that anger is just a message (and an important one at that!), they can learn to experience, harness, and manage it without shame.
