How To Enjoy Motherhood Instead of Just Surviving It

Motherhood is beautiful, exhausting, joyful, overwhelming, hilarious, and messy, often all within the same hour. Before becoming a mom, many of us imagine what motherhood will look like and how we will handle the hard moments. Then reality arrives with tantrums, chaos, exhaustion, and the humbling realization that parenting rarely goes according to plan.

Over time, I realized the biggest thing stealing my joy in motherhood was not the chaos itself. It was my expectation that motherhood was supposed to feel more perfect, controlled, and manageable than it actually is. Learning to let go of that expectation changed everything for me.

This Isn’t What I Expected

Case in point. Last night, I had three of my four sons crying in unison. They were highly distressed hearing that they needed to eat three bites of their bacon chicken dinner. Because that’s the type of mom I am. The kind that tries to feed them bacon. Oh, the horror. Mind you, I had intentionally thumbed through a real-life recipe book (with pages) that morning to avoid that very situation. And yet, I still had TEARS. Go figure.

If you were spying on us, you would have thought I was trying to feed them dog poop. Maybe that would have gone over better, given that it would have invited potty talk at the dinner table. And you would have thought this because the dinner meltdowns were real last night.

So real, I wanted to flee the scene. But I wasn’t sure I could make it out alive, or at least without tripping over so many of my sons dramatically laid out on the tile floor.

Related: 12 Normal Thoughts New Moms Have

This Wasn’t Supposed To Be So Hard

If the scene from my kitchen had been played to me nine years ago, before I got pregnant with my oldest son, and someone asked me, “Does this look like some fun?” I would have laughed, then promptly said: “No, but if you’re trying to scare me away from motherhood, I know better. If this were actually me, I would have everything under control. Because this isn’t the type of mother I am going to be. And when I do it, it will be enjoyable.” (Oh my goodness, I sometimes want to flick my pre-kid self in the face.)

So my guess is you can relate to my pre-kid thoughts about motherhood just as much as you can relate to the scene of World War III in my kitchen last night. But here’s what I think is the most interesting part of it all. I believe our pre-kid expectations of what motherhood should and should not look like set us up to be stressed-out parents today. More so than the actual stress that comes with those moments.

Are You Enjoying Motherhood?

So let me ask: “Have you been enjoying life as a mom lately?” And I’m not asking, “Do you love your kids?” Because I know you do. No. I’m asking you to ask yourself, “Am I able to enjoy being a mom?” And if the answer is no, before guilt ensues, I want to suggest that your expectations may be what is getting in the way.

You see, most women form their view of motherhood and what a good mother is long before they become mothers. It seems we collect our evidence and make observations of mothers we do not want to be like while standing in grocery store lines. We grab whatever pack of gum we want to buy and judge a mom who cannot get her kid to stop crying over the pack of gum they want to buy. (Even though we unknowingly fell for the store’s same marketing scheme as adults.)

And then we form our judgments of good mothers based on sweet scenes from movies or watching a cute mom at a restaurant with all her little ducklings sitting perfectly through a meal. And we think, “One day, I want that!”

We Build Expectations Before Becoming Moms

But what we don’t know is that, twenty seconds before walking into that restaurant, the same perfect mother had just had an epic meltdown with her kids over their rowdy behavior. She threatened to take away their trip to Disney the following day. “If you cannot just sit through one blessed meal in a restaurant without someone having a fit, I’ll cancel our flight before you can say, Mickey!” But we, of course, didn’t see that part back in our pre-kid days. We just saw the sitting still part and formed our expectations.

Sound crazy? Maybe. But true?! I think yes. And it certainly seems ironic that we let our definition of motherhood be formed before we’re even mothers. I wouldn’t feel comfortable learning to fly a plane simply by watching a pilot do it from afar. Nor would I want to cut someone’s hair just by watching someone else do it. So why would I assume I know what motherhood should look like before I’m a mother? That is just silly. That way of thinking makes us feel like we’re not doing it right, which steals our ability to appreciate the moment. And that’s more than just silly. That’s sad.

Related: 25 Things “Perfect” Moms Don’t Want You to Know

My Secret for Enjoying Motherhood

So, I want to share my secret for learning to enjoy motherhood with you. It has allowed me to find some joy or humor in the bulk of it. And I even mean the crappiest of all moments. Literally, like when my son exploded poop on my white shirt while walking into a restaurant. And here it is.

Let go of what you thought successful parenthood was before having kids. Embrace it for what it is now that you actually have children: a mix of beautiful and messy moments all rolled into one.

In my case, this has meant letting go of believing that the bulk of moments in parenthood is made up of what I like to call “shining star” moments, where my children are acting angelic, well-behaved, well-rested, and more than happy to be compliant with any and all that I ask of them. Because this is an obtainable and realistic goal for good parents 99% of the time. Right? (I am rolling my eyes as I type.)

I think what keeps moms from feeling joy is that we believe motherhood shouldn’t be messy. We believe we are better than having a tween who talks back to us. Or kids who fight while driving home from school. We believe that if we keep trying to figure out how to control it, we will get it all figured out one day. And by ‘figured out,’ I mean we will make parenting perfect. But until we do, we stress in the little moments, robbing us of the ability to appreciate the little moments with our kids. Meanwhile, their childhood is passing us by.

Related: Mama of Littles: A Reminder That Babies Don’t Keep

Learning To Embrace Imperfection

Children are a mix of sweet and sour because they aren’t fully grown. So even the best of parents will have a mix of sweet and sour moments. Sweet, as in, your infant decides to take an extra-long nap and gives you a chance to write an article. Mixed with sour, like when that baby is still sleeping, but your toddler’s preschool calls to tell you your other son just puked on the floor, and can you please come to pick him up?

And to enjoy it, you have to expect both. And remember, one doesn’t go without the other. I wouldn’t have them to show off in an adorable little Christmas outfit if I wasn’t up three times the night before feeding them. His teacher wouldn’t write a note home saying his manners are wonderful if I hadn’t spent years reminding him to say please and thank you, and feeling like it’s getting me nowhere. They wouldn’t be able to make me laugh uncontrollably with their humor as a teenager if that same spirit hadn’t exhausted me when they were toddlers.

Enjoying motherhood doesn’t mean enjoying a toddler throwing a tantrum. Because no one enjoys that. (Don’t tell me if you do.) Enjoying life as a mom means being able to keep your temper in perspective and move through it with ease. It’s knowing that, from ages two to three, even a supermom can’t escape a tantrum. So letting your day, or even your next 30 minutes, be ruined is a waste of your time and energy.

It’s the difference between saying, “If I were a good mom, I could have prevented that. What’s wrong with me?” to saying, “Alright, I just survived that. What’s next?” Raising kids is too hard to take it all so seriously. Your kid can learn more from a joyful parent than an angry one.

Related: There’s No Perfect Mother, Letting Go of the Illusion

Finding Joy in the Chaos

Don’t worry that your kid is entitled when they ask for five toys as they pass the toy aisle at Target. Think about your childhood and the toy you always wanted. Do you know why they want the toys? Because they’re little, and toys are awesome when you’re little! Instead of being frustrated, ask them about the toys they love and listen to their little voices. For every moment of challenge a child offers us, there is an equal opportunity to enjoy them. So find those moments.

Because those little moments are the big moments. Often, the most important parts of motherhood pass us by because we’re focused on the wrong parts. So don’t miss the sweetness because you’re searching for perfection. After eight years of having littles, I believe the perfection of children is in the imperfection.

The ability to enjoy motherhood is not found in flawless days or perfectly behaved children. It’s found in learning to see the beauty, humor, and sweetness inside the messy reality of raising them. The chaos is often proof that life is full, loud, meaningful, and deeply loved.