Shortly after my daughter’s first birthday, I was chatting with a new mom when she casually mentioned that her daughter had been sleeping 12 hours a night since three months old. I remember the exact moment my mind stopped listening and started spiraling.
I had read every article and book on how to get my baby to sleep. But no matter what I tried, she only wanted to sleep if she was close to me and woke so often every night that no amount of coffee could save me from my grogginess. The first time I heard that a friend’s baby slept through the night, I only heard one thing: “It’s my fault.” Surely there was some magic formula I had not discovered yet. But as a more experienced mom now, I realize how far from the truth that was.
All Babies Are Different and That Is Okay
As my second child rapidly approaches his first birthday, I’ve concluded that I only give birth to babies who do not like to sleep. No amount of rocking, coaxing, or shushing will make them sleep on their own, and from the moment they exit my womb, they seem smart enough to realize that sleeping in a bed by themselves away from mom is no fun. They spent nine months inside me, so why would they want to sleep away from me now?
When you’re a new mom and your baby will not sleep, it is hard to hear a friend say their baby is already sleeping through the night. Envy can creep in, followed closely by guilt, and you may start to wonder if something is wrong with you. I felt that deeply when a friend came over to swap newborn stories and mentioned that her baby was sleeping well in the bassinet at night. When I told her my son would only sleep if I was holding him or at least nearby, she looked at me and said, “I don’t know how you do it. I wouldn’t survive.” In that moment, all my guilt and anxiety disappeared because I finally realized something important: it was not my fault.
If Your Baby Doesn’t Sleep Well, It’s Not Your Fault
The friend whose baby sleeps through the night was a first-time mom. She had no experience, didn’t sleep train her baby, and didn’t do anything special. She just laid her baby in the bassinet, and her baby slept. At that moment, I realized that some babies fall asleep quickly, while others don’t.
If you’re the mother of a baby or toddler who won’t sleep, let me reassure you that it’s not your fault. Yes, there are many sleep tips and ways to help your baby have a more restful night, and I encourage you to explore them. But it’s okay if you’ve tried everything and your baby only wants to be near you or to nurse several times a night. Try to find ways to keep yourself relaxed and rested, even if it means taking a nap during the day with your baby or going to bed earlier.
One Day, Their Strong Will Will Serve Them Well
It used to be typical for people to ask a new mom if their baby was a “good” baby, which usually means they’re quiet and sleep well. Unless your baby lives a life of crime, there’s no such thing as a “good” or “bad” baby. Some babies are easygoing, while others are stronger-willed. They can grow up to be kind, strong, and empathetic children.
My babies have taken after my husband. Their determination, strong will, and stubbornness mean that one day, when they’re older, they won’t be afraid to stand up for what is right and courageously pursue their dreams. I know I will appreciate this in the future, even if it’s pretty frustrating at bedtime. If you’re in a similar situation, remember that one day, your little one will put all that strength to good use.
The truth is, this phase will not last forever. One day, your baby will sleep through the night and head to bed on their own. Until then, remember that all babies are different, and that difference is not a reflection of your parenting. If you’re struggling, you are not alone.
If you’re looking for reassurance about what’s typical, you may find it helpful to read when babies usually start sleeping through the night.
