Does bedtime with your toddler feel like a battle? When your usually happy little one turns into a sobbing, screaming mess at the end of the day, it can leave you feeling exhausted and unsure what to do.
Toddler tantrums at bedtime are common, especially when children are tired, overstimulated, or struggling with transitions. In this article, we will look at what is causing these bedtime meltdowns and simple, practical ways to bring a sense of calm back to your nighttime routine.
Key Takeaways
- Bedtime tantrums are common and developmentally normal
- Triggers often include tiredness, overstimulation, and transitions
- Consistent routines help toddlers feel safe and prepared for sleep
- Connection and clear expectations can reduce bedtime battles
- Tantrums may still happen, but their intensity and frequency can improve over time
What are Toddler Tantrums at Bedtime?
A bedtime tantrum is much like a regular tantrum, with kicking, screaming, flailing, flopping, arching their backs, running away, or even hurting themselves. It’s a sudden outburst of emotion, loss of control, or disorganized behavior. It’s generally a way your toddler expresses a big feeling, and it is how they communicate those feelings to you. Your toddler screaming or resisting bedtime is likely occurring because they haven’t developed the verbal skills to tell you what is the matter, or because they haven’t yet learned how to manage or regulate their big feelings.1
Are Toddler Tantrums at Bedtime Normal?
Many parents worry that something is wrong, but these behaviors are a normal part of development.
These bedtime tantrums often occur in the lead-up to bedtime or are associated with sleep in some way. Essentially, sleep, or their feelings about sleeping, is a trigger of some sort. Tantrums are more likely to occur when our little people are hungry, tired, or overstimulated and during periods of transition, which are the critical elements of bedtime.2
At the end of the day, they are exhausted, and often you ask them to stop doing something they enjoy, like playing, to get them to settle down or start getting ready for bed. Although they can be incredibly challenging, bedtime tantrums are common among children aged 18 months to 5 years.3
Related: Why Toddlers Have Tantrums (and How To Handle Them)
Why is My Toddler Screaming at Bedtime?
There are many reasons why your toddler might be screaming at bedtime, such as:2,3,4
- Separation anxiety is a normal part of child development, so leaving you and having to go to their bedroom alone can be distressing for some children.
- FOMO (fear of missing out)! Our little people can see us, or older siblings, staying awake and feeling like they are missing out on the fun.
- Challenges being able to regulate, wind down, or self-settle
- Sudden or unexpected transitions from some enjoyable activity to having to go to bed
- Recent nightmares and subsequently feeling triggered about going to sleep
- Being overstimulated, in particular, having too much screen time before bedtime
- A desire to be more independent and feeling out of control about the choice to go to bed
- Wanting your attention
- Illness or other discomfort
How To Handle Toddler Tantrums at Bedtime
It’s essential to remain calm during these moments. This can be challenging, but staying calm helps prevent escalation. Make sure you have strategies to stay calm when tackling the nighttime routine.
Try and Identify the Trigger
Is your toddler over-tired? Are they seeking attention? Have they had a recent nightmare? Once you figure out the trigger, it can help determine which strategy might be the most effective.
Connection
Ensure your toddler has plenty of opportunities for connection and attention before bedtime. If you “fill their cup” before bedtime, they will be less likely to throw a tantrum as a way of gaining a connection with you. If separation anxiety is at the root of their tantrum, then lots of contact, snuggles, and time together before bed can help ease their worries.
Leave Plenty of Time for Transitions
If you announce that it’s time for bed and expect your toddler to pop into bed without a fuss, you are likely to get a big reaction. Particularly if you request without warning, or they are engaged in another enjoyable activity.
To ease the transition into bedtime, you can:
- Have a clock on the wall and show them how much time is left before bed.
- Use a timer or alarm to announce that bedtime has arrived. And remind them at intervals in the lead-up (30 minutes to bed, 15 minutes, 5, 1, or whatever interval suits you)
- Put up a chart of the bedtime routine so they can easily see what is next and how far through the routine they are (so they know how close to bedtime they are and what is coming next).
- Get preparations started well in advance. Do you want bedtime to be 7:30 pm? Don’t start the nighttime routine at 7:15. Give yourself and your toddler plenty of time so the pressure is off and you both feel calmer. If they are ready for bed early, you can use that time to snuggle or read together.
Have a Routine So They Know What To Expect
We like to know what is coming next; it makes us feel safe and secure. It can be easier to relax, or our bodies go into autopilot because they know what’s coming next. Stick to a straightforward routine for your toddler so things are predictable. You are helping their body recognize the cues for bedtime.
Related: Good Bedtime Routines for Babies and Toddlers at Every Age
Avoid Giving In to Their Demands
Toddlers are learning how they impact those around them with their behavior (including bedtime struggles). If they realize they can delay bedtime or get that extra story by throwing a tantrum, you better believe they will keep throwing tantrums to get what they want. If you aren’t willing to continue certain activities or budge on bedtime (for example), it’s best to remain consistent and not give in; otherwise, these behaviors will likely escalate.5
Name That Feeling
Helping your child learn how to identify and label their emotions helps them feel more in control and less frustrated or scared by big feelings. It can also help you understand why they might be avoiding bedtime or becoming distressed by it.6
Related: How To Respond to Toddler Tantrums With Empathy
No Bribery
Bribes only work in the short term, and your toddler may learn that if they have a tantrum during bedtime, you will offer them something nice to get them to stop. This will most likely increase the behavior rather than reduce it.8
Watch for Sleepy Cues and React Quickly
Don’t let your toddler become overtired. They can get wired, making it harder for them to sleep as hormones race through their bodies. Watch for rubbing eyes, yawning, getting a glazed look, etc. If you spot any of these signs, move bedtime up and get moving on your nighttime routine.9
Give Your Child Some Control
If your little toddler’s tantrum at bedtime concerns control, give them some, so they are less likely to create a battle over bedtime. This does not mean letting them take over completely. Give them more choices in their day, like picking their PJs or the goodnight story. Get their input on the nighttime routine, like whether the bath/shower or brushing teeth comes first.
Don’t Reason With Them During Your Toddler’s Bedtime Tantrum
Your child isn’t ready to hear you amid their meltdown, nor is it always the best time to talk directly about their behavior before bed. You might pick another time, or even the next day, to address the issue or make a change.
Related: How To Get Toddlers To Listen Without Yelling, Bribing, or Threats
Build Relaxation Strategies Into Their Bedtime Routine
You might want to consider teaching your child how to do certain yoga poses for kids, or learn how to do relaxation breathing, and then ensure each night you practice these strategies before bed to help them feel calm.
Avoid Sugary Foods and Drinks Before Bed
If you want your child to be prepared for bed, avoid having stimulants like sugar or caffeine in their system.10
Don’t Try to Avoid Bedtime Tantrums
Sometimes, when we try to avoid tantrums, we end up doing too much for our kids or being too permissive because we fear the tantrum. It’s okay if your child has some big feelings. Identify their feelings and help them find strategies to manage them, but don’t give in or tiptoe around them for fear of provoking a tantrum.
Related: 75 Calming Strategies for Kids (Psychologist-Recommended)
How Can You Support a Smoother Bedtime?
There is no magic key or set of steps you can take that will entirely prevent bedtime tantrums. This is because they are mostly developmental in nature. They are normal; despite your best efforts, your toddler will still have tantrums occasionally. However, some strategies for how to respond to tantrums or minimize the length of the tantrums or their frequency include the following:
Limit Screen Time Immediately Before Bed
Phone and computer screens emit blue light to make images clearer and crisper. But this light interferes with our body’s natural sleep rhythm and can trick our brain into thinking it’s filtering in daylight. More simply, our brains think it’s time to be awake. In addition, what you watch on the screen can affect you. Games, vibrant colors, and loud noises can all trigger the release of stress hormones (adrenaline or cortisol), which can disrupt the hormones in our bodies and our ability to relax, fall asleep, and stay asleep. So limit screen time in the hours directly before bed to prevent bedtime tantrums.7
Related: How to Take Control of Your Family’s Screen Time
Give Them Time to Exercise
Ensure they get plenty of opportunities to move their bodies in the daytime and use their energy. Ensure you give your child a chance each day to get outside, run around, and expend energy so they are nice and tired and prepared for bed.
Wind Down in Preparation for Bed
Don’t take a leaf out of my husband’s parenting playbook. He loves to play chasey games or tickling and giggling activities as he takes the kids to their bedroom. Cue an overexcited child who doesn’t want to go to bed now. Try to keep the lights dim, the screens off, and the noise to a minimum, or give them a warm bath to help wind them down and relax their bodies, and get them ready for sleep.
Toddler tantrums at bedtime are common, but that does not make them any less exhausting. With consistency, clear routines, and patience, your child can begin to approach bedtime with more calm and confidence.
It may take time, but small changes can make a big difference in creating a smoother, more peaceful bedtime routine.
