People always say there is no love quite like the love you feel when you have a baby. That becoming a mother will instantly feel magical, natural, and life-changing in all the best ways. But what happens when it does not feel like that right away?
Even though it happens to many moms, not having that instant connection with my baby filled me with guilt and confusion. I was excited to meet the little person who had already changed my life forever. But after she was born, I realized something I was afraid to admit: I was not in love with my baby right away.
Key Takeaways
- Not every mother feels an instant bond after birth
- Difficulty bonding can be connected to postpartum depression and anxiety
- Feelings of guilt and shame are common among new moms
- Support and professional help can make a significant difference
- Bonding and connection can grow over time
The Guilt and Feelings of Failure
Those first few days with my little girl (whom I had hoped and wished for) were blissful, beautiful, and sleep-deprived. But when we got home from the hospital and were alone, the reality started to sink in that I was not in love with my baby yet.
Part of the reason I felt so joyful at first was that in the back of my mind, I thought, If I’m not totally in love with this little one from the first moment, I’m doing something wrong. I didn’t want anyone else to think I was already getting motherhood wrong. So, if I pretend hard enough, eventually, the feelings will come. But they didn’t. At least not right away.
I was afraid to hold her wrong. She was so tiny and precious (as all newborns are), and I was so scared I’d accidentally forget to support her neck enough or do something that would harm her somehow. The overwhelming anxiety was paralyzing and convinced me that I most certainly would get this wrong. As a result, I stopped holding her as often as I should have. Struggling to feel connected impacted our bonding time.
Mostly, I’d snuggle her when she nursed. But not long after that began, I realized breastfeeding didn’t work out for us. This inability didn’t just feel like a shortcoming; it felt catastrophic then. I’m not exaggerating. Feeling completely inadequate as a new mom, unable to do the one thing I wanted most, made it even harder to feel close to her. Mostly because I convinced myself I was a failure and that my daughter deserved better.
Related: Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs): What Are They?
Postpartum Depression Is Real
Looking back, I can now see that some of what I experienced went beyond the normal adjustment to motherhood. When those feelings continued to intensify, completely ruining my day and causing interference in bonding with my baby, it was a sign of a deeper issue. Yes, I’m talking about postpartum depression (PPD).
That’s the thing about new motherhood that all the baby commercials and rom-coms get wrong. People don’t want to talk about the difficult times of having a baby, even though they are normal. All that does is cover those feelings with shame, guilt, and fear that you’re doing something terribly wrong, and it’s all just going to go downhill from here.
One in seven women, about 15%, experience PPD. So, between you, your mom, your sister, and your mom friends, at least one of you has experienced PPD. It’s worth saying again that there’s nothing wrong with that. But it’s essential to get support and professional help.1
That voice in your head tells you that not being in love with your baby is because you aren’t strong enough, you’re doing something wrong, or you’re a bad mom. It isn’t true. I know it doesn’t feel like that could be true in the moment, but I promise it is. Slowly but surely, society is talking more about PPD and perinatal depression. Maternal health, especially postpartum maternal health, isn’t something we talk about enough. Which is why I want to share my struggle. Keeping conversations like this in the dark is where shame and guilt are allowed to thrive.2
Related: Postpartum Depression: Symptoms, Causes, and How to Get Help
I Promise You Are Doing an Incredible Job, Mama
It took time, perspective, and healing for me to fully understand what I had gone through.
You love your baby. Even if you don’t instantly connect, it doesn’t mean you don’t love this little one with all your heart.
The worst part of what is happening is being robbed of all the joy of being a new mom. Even if it feels like there are only a handful of good moments to outweigh weeks of hard feelings, you should still bask in the glory and the love and elation that come with those good times.
This past month, the baby I had such a hard time falling in love with turned 10. And let me tell you, even though things didn’t start off the way pop culture and every well-meaning piece of advice told me they should, I somehow fall more in love with her every single day. To the moms who didn’t fall in love with their baby right away, even though it feels hard and confusing, I promise this season will pass.
