Like many behaviors, such as tantrums, whining, or throwing things, toddler hitting is something many parents worry about. It is common to see a toddler turn around and thump their sibling, friend, or parent when things do not go their way. And it can be troubling when either your child is the one being hit or the one doing the hitting.
You might worry you are doing something wrong, but toddler hitting and other aggressive behaviors are a normal part of early development. As a psychologist, I often remind parents that hitting is a form of communication, not misbehavior. Toddlers simply lack the skills to express big feelings in safer ways.
This article explains the most common reasons toddlers hit and the expert strategies that can help you respond calmly and effectively.
Reasons Behind Toddler Hitting
Toddler hitting occurs for several reasons, including the development of emerging language skills. Our little people are still honing their communication skills. When they can’t express themselves or meet their needs, they can become easily frustrated and lash out. Here are three other reasons for toddler hitting:1,2
1. They Don’t Understand It’s Wrong
At this stage of development, our toddlers don’t yet have empathy. This is the ability to understand things from another person’s perspective and how they might feel. As such, they may not fully comprehend that another person might not feel very good if they hit them.
2. Lack of Impulse Control
Perhaps they have some understanding that hitting or being aggressive isn’t great, but it still might not stop them. Impulse control is not well developed in toddlers. The prefrontal cortex, which helps us make good decisions, doesn’t fully develop until late adolescence or early adulthood. So, making a “choice” can be tricky when our little people are caught up in the moment. As a psychologist, I often remind parents that toddlers cannot access logical decision-making skills when they are dysregulated, which is why impulse control is so limited at this age.
3. Testing Limits and Boundaries
The toddler years are when our kids first realize their behavior influences others and how they react or behave. This is particularly interesting to our budding social scientists who want to understand how people think, the boundaries, and how far they can push things. Toddlers will purposefully test limits to discover what is expected of them in different situations and interactions with people. It helps them make sense of the world, which is very important but equally very trying.
How To Stop a Toddler From Hitting
As distressing as it is when your child hits or exhibits aggression, you can take several preventive measures to help your toddler learn alternative ways to manage their emotions. It might take a few tries to see what works best for your child and where hitting or aggressive behavior occurs in each unique situation.3,4
1. Remove Them From the Situation
Remove them from the triggering situation or person. Do not allow toddler hitting to continue, or let them continue hurting someone else. This might mean gently stopping them by placing your body between them and another person, or turning them around if they are hitting you and moving them away from their target.
2. Redirect Their Energy
This could be a distraction or a way to direct their physical distress and energy elsewhere, without harming other people. You could tell them that “hitting isn’t okay, but you have some big feelings that make you want to move your body. How about we stomp our feet instead?”
3. Name the Feeling They Cannot Express
Helping your child understand their feelings and why they occur can reduce their frustration. When they feel more in control and less frustrated, they can better regulate their emotions and make good decisions.
Related: Time-In vs. Time-Out: Helping Toddlers Through Big Emotions
What Not to Do When a Toddler Hits
While there are several ways to handle your toddler hitting someone, there are a few things to avoid doing.5,6
1. Do Not Try to Reason With Them in the Moment
Remember that prefrontal cortex? When our little people have big feelings, they activate a different part of their brain (usually the amygdala), which means they can’t access the logical part of their brain. So, you can’t reason with them or try to get them to understand their behavior is wrong at that moment. Wait until they are calm, and all triggers have been removed, before trying to talk to them about their behavior or how to handle themselves better next time.
2. Do Not Spank or Use Physical Punishment
Your child will not understand why you are telling them not to hit and then hitting them as a consequence. It just won’t compute. They instead learn that hitting is a way of managing situations, rather than what you want them to learn, which is resolving things in another way. Research indicates that children who receive corporal punishment (like spanking, hitting, etc.) are more prone to violence and emotional dysregulation. As a psychologist, I reinforce to parents that physical punishment increases aggressive behavior over time, making it harder for toddlers to learn healthier coping and conflict resolution skills.
3. Manage Your Own Feelings First
It would be best if you could stay calm for the moment. I know it’s hard, but not only will your child be watching you and modeling or copying what they see, but your feelings can fuel the fire and increase their distress or emotions.
Related: How to Show Love to Your Kids When Angry
Expert Tips to Deal With Toddler Hitting
Although we have explored several reasons that toddlers hitting or acting aggressively can be normal, it doesn’t mean you should ignore it. Here are some strategies for supporting your toddler to understand that hitting is unacceptable and learning other ways to manage their big feelings.6,7
1. Identify Patterns or Triggers
The first tip to stop a toddler from hitting is to observe your little one to try and figure out what prompts them to get a bit handsy. Maybe it’s when they are tired, hungry, or overstimulated. When you know what triggers them, you can better manage the situation or prevent it from happening in the first place.
2. Avoid Exposure to Violent Media
Another tip to stop a toddler from hitting is to avoid exposure to violent media or games. Our children copy what they see, so ensure they aren’t being shown things involving shouting and violence (physical, emotional, real, or threatened). Find some age-appropriate media demonstrating pro-social or appropriate behaviors you would like them to copy.
3. Keep Them Busy and Moving
Toddlers have a lot of energy, so give them a chance to burn it off and let off steam by running around and using up their energy positively.
4. Be Consistent With Expectations
Ensure that everyone around you is on the same page regarding how to respond to aggressive behavior. Ensure that everyone keeps to the same limits and expectations and faces the same consequences. Not being consistent can exacerbate hitting and aggression. Our toddlers are testing boundaries to know what’s acceptable, and when they feel like there is no control or clear boundary, it can be scary for them. Remember, big feelings can sometimes result in increased hitting/aggression.
5. Use Logical, Connected Consequences
Toddlers need to start understanding that certain behaviors are linked with certain consequences. This is most effective when they are logical. If they throw toys, the toys are removed; if they hit a friend, they are moved away from the friend. These are all logical; however, if they throw a ball at their sibling’s head and you take their favorite teddy, they won’t clearly understand or link these two actions. Your child must see a clear connection between their behavior and the consequences that follow to learn from the situation.
6. Teach Alternative Skills and Words
If your child has many “tools” in their “tool chest” for resolving their issues, they can draw on more things to help them manage challenging situations. Name their feelings, empathize with them, and then share an alternative. For example, say, “I can see you were upset with your sister when she wouldn’t share her snack. Instead of hitting, which is unacceptable, you could ask if she could please share or ask me to get you something to eat.”
Feeling overwhelmed or frustrated with a toddler’s hitting is normal. Regardless of the reason for their behavior, it is essential to approach things calmly and consistently. With practice, patience, and a few effective strategies, your child can learn safer ways to express their big feelings.
If your child’s aggressive behavior increases suddenly, a psychologist or pediatric professional can help determine whether sensory, developmental, or emotional factors are contributing.
And remember, toddler aggression is a phase, not a personality trait. With your steady guidance, they will develop the skills they need in time.
