Many years ago, I was lying in bed scrolling through Instagram while my husband snored beside me. I came across an account of a young mom who had recently lost her husband suddenly and unexpectedly, leaving her with two young children. I became absorbed in her story, crying as I read her words and thinking, “I’m so glad that’s not my life. I don’t think I could survive it.”
Ironically, that life became mine just a few years later. In 2017, my 36-year-old husband died suddenly of a massive heart attack, leaving me alone with two young children. We were living in a new town, far from family, in a house we had just bought, believing we were finally putting down roots. I had never experienced deep grief before, and suddenly I was submerged in it, unsure how to navigate the days ahead.
In those early moments, my friends and family surrounded my children and me with support, becoming a lifeline during the days, weeks, and months that followed. Through that experience, I came to understand how hard it can be to know what to say or do when a mom is grieving. Whether the loss is a partner, a child, a parent, or even a relationship or home, there are thoughtful ways to show up and offer meaningful support.
Understanding Grief
The word grief is derived from the Latin word “gravis,” meaning “a heavy burden.” And grief is weighty for the bearer and her friends and family, who are trying to help her. How a person carries or handles their grief is as unique as the person.
A grief response tends to be shaped by a person’s personality, faith, history, and culture. Although each person will experience grief differently (and we will all experience it one day), understanding the basics of grief can go a long way in helping a mom who is experiencing loss.
Common Symptoms of Grief
Common symptoms of grief can be categorized into five categories: physical, cognitive, emotional, interpersonal, and lifestyle.1
Physical Symptoms
Grief can present itself physically in many ways, including loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, depression, energy loss, fatigue, agitation, and a suppressed immune system.2 In my grief journey, I have experienced these physical symptoms. The symptoms may not present themselves all simultaneously, and they may ebb and flow as the waves of grief rise and fall.
Cognitive Symptoms
In the days, weeks, or months following a loss, a person may experience confusion, poor memory, lack of focus, and mental distancing from reality. Disbelief about the loss is also common. Trying to accomplish a mentally challenging task may seem difficult or even impossible for a grieving mom.
Emotional Symptoms
These are the most apparent symptoms of grief. It is common to feel a wide variety of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, despair, loneliness, hopelessness, and isolation. I distinctly remember feeling intense isolation after my husband died. I thought I no longer belonged in any of my friend groups because they all had husbands, and I didn’t.
Interpersonal Symptoms
Many grieving people feel the need to withdraw from relationships or social interactions after a loss. They may create distance in a relationship where there was none before. Or they may resent a relative or friend and seek to remove themselves from the relationship.
Lifestyle Symptoms
This is another prominent symptom of grief. A grieving mom may stop taking care of her home and herself (or physically and mentally feel unable to do those things). She may also stop participating in activities she used to enjoy, such as exercising, cooking, attending church, and socializing with friends.
Stages of Grief
Understanding and recognizing the symptoms of grief are helpful for a friend trying to help a mom who is experiencing loss. For someone who has not experienced grief, understanding how it works can also be beneficial. There are many theories among professionals as to “how grief works.”3 Some experts see grief as progressing in stages that follow a linear order:4
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Despair
- Acceptance
Other experts view grief as a process that an individual must undergo to move forward.3 Still, other experts believe that grief is more like a cycle in which a grieving person experiences different phases multiple times in a cyclical pattern. Or they think grief is more like a curve, where the grieving person moves from high morale and energy to low morale and hopelessness and back again.
And while I’m sure that all of this theorizing is important to the experts seeking to understand grief better, I can assure you that none of this matters to a person experiencing grief. What truly matters to a mom experiencing loss is that she is lost in a sea of chaos and emotions and that her world has turned completely upside down. What matters to the mom experiencing loss is that her friends and family are there to help her keep from drowning. There are also some practical ways you can help.5
Related: How to Talk to Your Child About a Death in the Family
Ways You Can Help a Mom Who is Experiencing Loss
When a mom is grieving, even well-intentioned support can feel overwhelming. These practical, compassionate gestures can help her feel supported without asking her to carry more emotional weight.
Bring her meals or arrange a meal delivery
After I lost my husband, the last thing I thought about was eating. But my friends and family knew that my kids and I needed healthy, nourishing meals. One of the greatest gifts I received from people was the gift of a hot meal dropped at my door. My friends set up a “meal train” where I didn’t have to worry about dinner for a month. Other people arranged for food to be picked up from a restaurant and delivered, while other friends sent me gift cards for groceries and local restaurants. I was relieved to have that daily task taken care of.
Offer specific help with household duties
It is often difficult to make decisions when you’re grieving. Many well-meaning friends and family members asked me what they could do to help. I honestly could not give them an answer because the mere thought of finding a task for them was too much work for me. But then there were the friends who said to me, “I want to do your laundry for you. Is that okay?” And all I had to do was say yes. Or, “I want to hire a house cleaner for you this week. Which day is best?“
When offering to do something to help your grieving friend, be specific about what you would like to do for her and then ask if it’s okay. Nine times out of ten, she’ll accept your offer and be glad she didn’t have to make a decision.
Arrange to take her kids to do something fun
If your grieving friend has children, it can be difficult for her to find time to allow herself to grieve. I remember bottling up all of my emotions until the end of the day after my kids were in bed, so I didn’t scare them with my pain. Offer to take your friend’s kids to the park or playground for an hour or two. Take them to lunch or a child’s birthday party. Give your friend a break from her kids so she can have some time to process her feelings.
Please don’t stop inviting her to do things. A mom experiencing loss may decline invitation after invitation to hang out or do something she would have otherwise enjoyed. Please don’t take this personally, and please do not give up! Eventually, she will want to start doing normal things again and need someone still willing to ask her. Be that someone.
Related: How To Talk to Your Child About a Pet Dying
Learn to listen well
When talking with a grieving friend, we often need to say the right thing or do something to help improve it. Please understand that there is nothing you can do to change this. And there is little you can say. And there is certainly no “right way.” What you can do, however, is become a good listener. That may mean sitting in silence with your friend. It may mean letting her cry, rage, joke, or vent. If you need to say something, always opt for the truth: “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I am listening.”
Check in with her often
Grief never ends for a mom who is experiencing loss. It does get easier to manage over time, but it never goes away. As you carry on with life, as we all must, remember to check in with your friend even after a loss. She is still hurting, and sometimes it comes out of nowhere, even years later. Don’t be afraid to take a quiet moment to reach out to her and ask her if she needs any support. She may feel silly asking for help after a while, but she will still need it.
Don’t be afraid to talk about her loss
Please, please don’t avoid talking about our lost loved ones! We want to remember them, and we want others to remember them as well. When you stop talking about your loved ones, it makes them feel like people forget they existed. And that is another loss. Share a fond memory of the lost loved one, or let your friend know that you think of them often. Say their name — without shame or hesitation. Say it so your friend knows they are not forgotten.
Don’t compare your loss to hers
We all experience loss at some point in our lives. Some of us may have already suffered a significant loss. Others of us are lucky to have avoided it so far. But no loss and no grief are the same. So please don’t compare your loss to that of a mom who is experiencing loss. Allow her to grieve and allow her to share her pain. You may think you “know how it feels,” but I promise you don’t, and saying something to that effect will not help her.
Offer support or a listening ear on important dates
Certain days are harder for a grieving person than others. Some of the most challenging are anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, and other special occasions. I fully expected some big holidays to be hard. Christmas was a big deal for our family, and although it was difficult, I was surprised to discover that my kids’ birthdays were more challenging for me. If you are close enough to your friend to know those special days in her life, try to reach out to her on those days and offer some extra support. She will need it.
Watching a person grieve is an uncomfortable thing to witness. As a society, we are not taught how to handle death, dying, and grief well.6 And until you’ve experienced it, grief can be hard to truly understand. Using these tips and insight, you can help a mom experiencing loss a little better. Being that friend who sticks with her while she travels this unknown and probably unexpected journey will mean more to her than you may ever know.
