How to Unspoil Your Child

But I want it now!”
All children move through a me, mine, now phase in early childhood, and it is completely normal. Young kids naturally see themselves as the center of their world, and their big wants and big emotions reflect that stage of development.1 You are not a bad parent, and your child is not a “bad kid” if this happens.

But when does typical egocentric behavior shift into something more concerning? And if you’ve started noticing entitled patterns creeping in, the good news is that it is absolutely possible to guide your child toward healthier habits.

Signs of a Spoiled Child

Spoiled children are often ungrateful and used to getting what they want when they want it. And if they don’t, wait for the meltdown. They aren’t just learning how to navigate the world and consider other people; they have no appreciation for what others need and expect people to meet their needs or wants without giving (or doing) anything in return.¹ Other signs or behaviors to watch out for include:²

• Limited self-control
• Being domineering or bossy
• Aggression
• Being self-centered
• Impulsivity

Related: Signs Your Child Might be Spoiled (and What to Do)

What Causes a Child To Be Spoiled?

I’m sorry to say a lot of spoiled behavior comes down to parenting. This is not to say that parents who spoil their children are bad, as it’s mostly unintentional.3 Many children end up spoiled because their parents want the best for them! As parents, we want to please our children and ensure their happiness. We give them gifts, arrange special treats, and take them to restaurants, stores, amusement parks, and other places to entertain them. However, this can inadvertently lead children to become entitled or expect this kind of treatment all the time.

However, the main reason children become spoiled is due to lenient or permissive parenting. This occurs when a parent lacks firm boundaries or clear rules and fails to use discipline.⁴ This can make children self-centered, immature, selfish, and narcissistic. No one can be perfect all the time, including parents. And it’s easier to give in sometimes and say “yes,” but children learn that if they nag, whine, or throw a tantrum, they will get what they want.

Sometimes, treating and spoiling children or being permissive comes from guilt. Many parents work long hours outside the home. Spending time away from their little ones makes them feel bad, so they try to “buy” their love or unintentionally make things easier and more enjoyable because they don’t have enough time with them. And it’s a nicer way to spend time together than having arguments and establishing rules or consequences.

Nothing is wrong with the occasional spoiling or a special treat, and no one can always be perfect. We’ve all been that tired parent who chose their battles, looked away from challenging behavior that was not ultimately harmful or dangerous, and decided not to address it. However, we are talking about patterns, where being entitled and spoiled, or having a lack of boundaries and rules, are reinforced repeatedly, not just occasionally.

How To Unspoil Your Child

With all this in mind, can you learn how to unspoil your child? Absolutely!

These psychologist-recommended strategies can help shift entitled behavior by strengthening boundaries, emotional skills, and empathy at home.

Essentially, spoiled behavior lasts as long as we continue to reinforce it. This means we undo entitled and demanding behavior by being consistent with rules, expectations, boundaries, and consequences, and not giving in. It’s easier said than done, as children who have gotten used to things going their way may have strong feelings when the rules change. So, here are some strategies to help your child re-engage with their empathy and compassion and to support you in unspoiling them.

1. Don’t Make Things Too Easy for Them

I’m not saying be mean or unhelpful, but sometimes we accidentally do too much for our kids and don’t allow them to learn life skills. When we do too much for them, we smooth the pathways in their lives, meaning they don’t learn how to cope with disappointment or challenges. So, start small and let them experience a challenge or a bit of discomfort. For example, instead of rushing to tie their shoes, allow them to try first. Or instead of buying them another ice cream because they don’t want vanilla, allow them to eat the vanilla flavor or not eat the ice cream you purchased.

2. Patience Is a Skill

In our modern world, nearly everything we want is a “touch of a button” away. Want to talk to grandparents on the other side of the world? Done! Want to watch any movie you can think of on demand? Done! We need to allow our kids the opportunity to practice being patient. It’s a skill learned over time. So, don’t rush to give things. Much like the previous strategy, don’t be too quick to give them what they want. Make them wait or earn something before they can get what they want.

Related: How to Teach Your Child Patience

3. Teach Them To Manage Big Feelings

A big part of unspoiling a child involves helping them manage strong emotions. This is because they will have to learn how to cope with being patient, disappointed (as mentioned previously), or distressed when things don’t go well. Teach them calming skills or strategies to help manage their anger, such as moving their bodies, learning to talk about their emotions, and practicing calm breathing.

4. Learn How To Cope When They Tantrum

This one is more for you than your child. There is no need to interfere if they aren’t in danger during a tantrum. Stay present and close by (we don’t reject our children when they have big feelings), but don’t engage with a tantrum. I know; it’s hard when you are in public and mortified that they are melting down because they couldn’t have the chocolate bar. But giving in at that point will only reinforce spoiled behaviors you want to eliminate.³ Stay firm, allow them to have a tantrum, and ensure you look after yourself, as it can be stressful and overwhelming when our kids express big feelings.

Related: How to Handle Toddler Temper Tantrums: 8 Effective Strategies

5. Help Them Build a Gratitude Attitude

It’s essential to know how to teach a spoiled child to appreciate things. One key way of doing that is by developing a gratitude attitude. Grateful children are happier, more optimistic, have better social support (they tend to give more social support and receive support in return), and are more satisfied with their lives.⁵ We can teach gratitude by things like:

• Modeling the behavior we expect from our children
• Drawing their attention to the positives and silver linings in life
• Giving back (donating time and resources to help others out)
• Being aware of other people and their lives (differences, cultures, history, challenges, etc.)
• Developing a daily ritual of identifying something small you are grateful for in your lives
• Gratitude exercises and activities

It is absolutely possible to unspoil a child. It simply takes consistency, clear boundaries, and patience. As your child learns to wait, cope, express gratitude, and handle disappointment, you will begin to notice meaningful shifts in their behavior and emotional growth.

No child is perfect, and moments of demanding or ungrateful behavior are normal. Use them as opportunities to teach, connect, and reinforce the values you want to nurture. With steady guidance, those entitled habits will fade, and your child will gain skills that support their long-term happiness and wellbeing.⁵