How to Handle Toddler Temper Tantrums: 8 Strategies

For many parents, temper tantrums can feel as inevitable as birth, death, and taxes. Your child may become so overwhelmed that they lose control and physically express their distress. These moments can be embarrassing and frustrating for caregivers.

Understanding what tantrums are and why they happen can help you decide how to respond. Here are ways to support your little person when they’re overwhelmed, along with things you can do before and after a tantrum.

During a tantrum, focus first on safety and keep your words brief.^1,2
Predictable limits, rest, and attention to your child’s needs can help, but they won’t prevent every tantrum.²
Reconnect when your child is calmer, and seek help if tantrums are escalating or someone is getting hurt.¹

What Is a Tantrum?

A tantrum is an external show of internal distress. You might notice disorganized behavior such as screaming, crying, arching their back, stiff limbs, kicking, punching, and running away. They might even harm themselves in some way. Vomiting, self-injurious behavior (banging head, scratching self, hair-pulling), or holding their breath can also occur. If your child hurts themselves or has breath-holding episodes, discuss this with their pediatrician rather than assuming it is simply part of a tantrum.^1,3

Tantrums are equally common in boys and girls and happen most often between ages 1 and 3.¹ For some children, tantrums arise infrequently. Some have them often. The intensity and behaviors displayed will also differ between children.

Related: Why Toddlers Have Tantrums

Why Do Tantrums Occur?

When tantrums are most common (one to three years), our children are doing a lot of social and emotional development. They may not yet have the words or skills to explain what they want or how they feel. The physical sensations that come with strong emotions can also feel uncomfortable and confusing.¹ Strong feelings can be unpredictable and leave children feeling out of control, especially when they don’t understand what is happening in their bodies.

Our children are also really trying to exert their independence at this age. Another reason our children might have tantrums is that they begin to realize their behavior impacts and influences other people’s reactions/responses. When they can’t communicate what they need or get the response they want, that frustration may come out as a tantrum.¹

8 Strategies to Help Handle Tantrums

These strategies can help you prepare for difficult moments, respond during a tantrum, and practice coping skills when your child is calm.

1. Identify Triggers

You can’t and shouldn’t avoid big emotions. We all need to learn how to accept and cope with our feelings. But you can plan better to help your child (and yourself). If you know that your little person gets overwhelmed when you go for groceries (the trigger here is potentially being tired, overstimulated, hungry, etc.), you might change when or how you shop. You can also look at what’s triggering the distress and try to meet that need before you go.

For example, have a nap first and take some snacks with you. Or play at a park to use some energy and then get the groceries.

2. Meet Their Basic Needs

We all have cups (needs) that need to be filled each day. When our cups are full, we are more resilient. We have needs like hunger, thirst, sleep, emotional connection, safety, attention, etc. When these primary needs are met, our stress levels are reduced. Meeting these needs can make it easier for your child to cope, even though tantrums may still happen.²

3. Reduce Stimulation

Our little people’s brains are growing at a tremendous rate, and they are learning so much and taking in so many new concepts each day. This means it is easy for them to become overstimulated. So, if you reduce the stimuli they need to process, they have more capacity to regulate and calm down. To reduce the stimuli, try this:

Drop your voice down low and slow the pace of your words
Remove stimulation (screens, loud noises like crowds, or the situation they are in)
Offer something your child finds comforting, such as a hug if they want one or a soft toy to hold. Some children prefer space and quiet. Follow their response rather than adding more sensations.
Create a calming corner in your home. This is a safe and comfortable place for children to calm their bodies and process their big emotions. It can be used in place of a time-out and can help your child feel safe and secure and develop emotional regulation. Offer it as a place to settle with your support, rather than somewhere they must go as punishment.¹

4. Name and Validate Their Feelings

It seems too simple, but think back to when you were having a hard day and told another person about it. A response like, “Oh, it’s not that bad, calm down!” will likely make you feel more frustrated. However, an empathetic response like, “I can hear how angry you are right now. It must have been such a tough day for you!” results in feeling connected, heard, and acknowledged.

The appropriate response can be calming and soothing as our emotional connection needs are met and we feel secure/safe. Your child is also learning how to make sense of their internal processes. So when you name their feelings, you help them understand what is happening and why. The situation feels less confusing, and they feel less overwhelmed and more capable of coping.

During the peak of a tantrum, keep it brief; save longer explanations for when your child is calmer. Here are some examples of empathetic responses:

I can see you are so angry right now because your brother took your toy without asking.
You must have felt sad when you didn’t win that game.
It sounds like that made you feel really frustrated.

5. Keep Boundaries Consistent

If you don’t have firm or consistent boundaries, it can create a stress or fear response in your child because they don’t know what to expect from a situation. This, in turn, can increase their need to feel in control, or they may feel overwhelmed. Both can result in increased tantrums. Follow through calmly on important limits, especially those that keep your child and others safe.² Essentially, you want your child to understand what you expect from them. And you want them to feel secure and safe in knowing the outcome of a situation. Being consistent also helps teach them about actions and consequences.

An excellent way to keep consistency is to give advance notice before transitioning to a new activity. My daughter is a creature of habit and becomes distressed when we need to leave something she is engaged in and move to the next activity. From a very early age, we started using a countdown and following through. I get down on her level, speak clearly, and make eye contact.

Then I tell her, “We have one more minute left to play, and then we need to leave. I’ll count down, so you know how long you have left.” I then give her warnings at the 30-second mark (30 seconds left to play), 10 seconds (we have ten more seconds to play), and then I’ll count down from 5. At that point, I offer my hand and start to move away.

If she doesn’t come willingly, I offer a choice and name her emotions: “I can see you are enjoying yourself, and you feel frustrated that we have to leave. But it’s time to go home now. If you don’t walk with me, I will have to help you by carrying you back to the car. Which will it be?” Giving her a choice gives her back some control. But I’ve been clear that the consequence is me taking her back to the car rather than being able to walk herself.

And yes, I have carried a screaming toddler back to my car through a crowded shopping center! But these days, as I finish counting down and get to about 3 seconds left, she willingly drops the activity or steps away, and off we go. She comes willingly because she knows I will follow through.

6. Focus on Your Child, Not the Audience

Even if you feel so mortified that you wish the floor would open up and swallow you whole, try not to sweat it. Feeling watched can make it harder to respond the way you want to. If you can, move with your child to a quieter, safe place and stay nearby while they settle. You don’t need to explain the situation to everyone around you.

You don’t have to look perfectly calm to be a caring parent. Focus on keeping your child safe and following through on the boundary, rather than on what strangers might think.²

7. Help Them Regulate

Model a few slow breaths. When your child is ready to join you, you might blow bubbles together or offer a movement activity, such as star jumps. Practice these activities when they’re calm, too, so they become familiar. If your child isn’t ready to participate, keep your words brief and give them time.

8. Model Calm Behavior

Model to your child how to deal with frustration and deal with them calmly when they have a tantrum. Show them how this looks:

Lower your voice and get down to their level. Give them space if they don’t want close contact.
Speak to them about their behavior (no blaming or shaming our children).
Save lectures or big discussions about behavior for when you are both feeling calm (if they are overwhelmed, they may not be able to take it in).
Move on swiftly and don’t dwell on the issue.

Also, show them how you manage challenges. Narrate your feelings and your strategies to cope. “I’m feeling upset because I spilled my coffee on my shirt. I will take a few deep breaths, and once I’m feeling better, I will start cleaning up.”

When To Talk With Your Pediatrician

Talk with your pediatrician if tantrums are becoming more frequent, more intense, or longer; if your child regularly hurts themselves or others; or if you’re struggling to stay in control of your own response. You can also ask for help if you’re concerned about your child’s communication or development.¹

A first breath-holding spell should be medically assessed. If your child is not breathing, remains blue, or is not recovering, seek emergency help.³

Reconnect After the Tantrum

After a tantrum, give yourselves a chance to reconnect. Sometimes, as caregivers, we bear the brunt of their behavior and struggles even when we are trying to be their safe place. But you are their everything, their whole world.

You should always name the behaviors your child demonstrates, but never aim comments at your child. “It’s not kind to hit” lands very differently than “You aren’t kind when you hit.” Comments aimed at your child (not the behavior) impact our little people’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

It’s so important to remember to reconnect after each tantrum for both of your sakes, whether connecting with a cuddle, a kind word, an “I love you,” a held hand, reading a book together, or one-on-one time. Reach out intentionally to show them that, regardless of their behavior, you love them unconditionally. Reconnecting reminds your child that your love hasn’t changed, even when a boundary stays in place.