How to Teach Your Child Independence

“Can you help me tie my shoes?” When mornings feel rushed, it is tempting to step in and do things for your child just to keep things moving.

But consistently doing things for your child that they can do themselves can unintentionally send the message that you do not believe in their abilities. Teaching independence helps build confidence, resilience, and a strong sense of self. Here is how to foster it in your child.¹

What is Independence, and When Can We Teach It to Children?

Independence begins to develop early in childhood and grows as children learn to make choices and take responsibility for their actions. Independence means being able to make choices and have control over your life. We can also refer to it as autonomy, a person’s capacity to act on their interests and values.² We see our children strive for independence from an early age, grabbing for their bottle, wanting to dress themselves, or saying things like “I can do it myself.” Seeking control is a natural human instinct, as it helps keep us safe, but developing independence is a skill parents need to support in their children. The early preschool years are when this desire and capacity for independence begin to develop.³

How Can We Teach Independence to Our Children?

Building independence takes intention and patience. These strategies can help your child develop confidence and learn to do more on their own.

Let Your Child Fail Safely

Don’t swoop in unless things are unsafe; allow your child to fail safely. What I mean is don’t rush in to fix it, because your child will miss all the lovely opportunities to problem-solve and persevere, which help build resilience. You can still offer support and ask them what they need, or if they are open to hearing a few suggestions. However, if they are physically and emotionally capable of the activity, let them try it!

Related: Tips for Teaching Your Child to Deal With Failure

Ask Them What They Can Do

Involve your child in listing their skills! Sit down with them and figure out what they feel confident managing on their own. You will both have a chance to recognize their skills (watch that self-esteem soar!), and it will also show which activities you can step back from when it’s safe to do so.

Plan Ahead to Reduce Time Pressure

Planning can be challenging, but if your child is keen to do more activities to prepare for school, then make the additional time so you both aren’t under pressure. Stress will make it harder for them to concentrate, but it will also make you more likely to swoop in and fix it.

Related: How to Safely Foster Independence in Toddlers

Let Go of Perfection

Your child’s outfit might be misbuttoned, or their hair or face might be messy. Still, the benefits far outweigh the negatives if they had the opportunities to look after their dressing, feeding, or other self-care activities. Just be mindful not to be critical or go in and fix their mistakes.

Offer Specific Praise

Avoid saying things like “good boy” or “good girl.” Instead, identify what strategy they used or the efforts they put into trying to be independent. This will have a much more positive impact because they will learn what behaviors you would like to see again. On the other hand, they also internalize that being a “good boy” or “good girl” is associated with compliance or being pleased with them.

Teach Them About Problem-Solving

Before they complete an activity, check in with them if there are multiple steps. Do they need to prepare anything? Or do they have foundational skills before they try this task? Asking them questions about their process will get them thinking about steps or sub-goals, which helps them problem-solve or figure out when they have gotten off track.

Related: How To Foster Problem-Solving Skills in Children

Allow Safe Risk

This can be difficult. Allowing our kids to be exposed to risk intentionally sounds like a bad idea. However, if they don’t make mistakes, how will they learn the consequences, and why do they need to change their behavior or actions to mitigate the risk? Jump in if they are reaching for a hot stove or about to step out onto the road without looking. I mean smaller, everyday risks, like saying, “Don’t run in socks; you might slip.” If they do slip, they may learn that socks are slippery and could create their own rules about running in socks, which can have a greater impact than simply telling them what to do.

Tips to Teach Your Child Independence

Everyday moments offer valuable opportunities to support your child’s independence and help them build essential life skills. These simple, everyday strategies can help your child build independence naturally over time.

Encourage Activities of Daily Living

These are important for other issues like privacy and body safety, but general self-esteem comes from being able to look after themselves. Daily living activities include washing, feeding, dressing, and cleaning up after themselves.

Have Them Help with Chores

This is not about chores for money, though some families choose that route. I’m talking about contributing to the running of the family home. Not only will your child feel pride from completing specific tasks, but being involved in the running of the household helps them feel connected to and part of their family unit, which brings confidence and self-esteem. This could include putting their dishes in the sink, putting their clothes in the hamper, or helping plan dinner menus.

Related: Chores for Kids by Age: Toddlers to Teens

Offer Them Choices

Children should have choices, but don’t offer too many options. Try simple ones, like “Would you like the red or green cup?” Or “Would you prefer to go to the park or play puzzles?” Offering choice shows you are confident in them and allows them to consider their own needs, values, and preferences, which helps build confidence and decision-making skills.

Encourage Independent Play

Not every moment of life needs to be scheduled or planned. Your child needs the opportunity to get bored so they can develop the skills to self-entertain. This helps them rely more on themselves when they can self-direct their play and activity. It also gives you additional space for things you need to focus on. It can help them understand that you and they sometimes have different needs, which is perfectly acceptable.

Related: 4 Strategies to Help Your Child Play Independently at Home

Teaching independence can feel challenging, especially when it is quicker or easier to step in. But giving your child the space to try, learn, and grow builds confidence that will stay with them for life.

With your support and encouragement, they will learn to trust themselves and step into the world with confidence and trust in themselves.