My daughter absolutely insists on having important conversations with me while I’m in the bathroom. Whether it’s sneaking off for a quick wee or trying to wash my hair in peace, there she is, telling me about her day or asking what we’re having for dinner. All I ask is for a few moments of privacy. But moments like this raise an important question about how and when we teach privacy to kids, and why it matters.
Privacy is about boundaries, specifically respecting someone else’s boundaries and being able to communicate your own. It also has important safety implications. Research shows that children who feel comfortable expressing boundaries, using correct anatomical terms, and understanding consent have protective factors that reduce the risk of abuse or sexual harm.1,2
How to Teach the Concept of Privacy to Kids
Below are practical, age-appropriate ways to explain privacy to your child, help them respect others’ privacy, and communicate their own boundaries.
Explain What Personal Space Looks Like
Everyone has a circle around them, and each person’s circle is a different size, as is their comfort level or sense of safety around who, if anyone, can come into their circle. You could try a game of “closer or further” and get them to start thinking about how far they want to let you into their space. They could invite you to come closer or step further away. It’s a fun little game, but it also gets them using language and considering their invisible circle.
As a general rule, you can teach them to stand with their hands on their hips or arms outstretched to demonstrate a circle or a protected space around them. You can also reiterate that it’s up to them to invite or allow specific people into their circle, and they can remove their consent at any time.
Related: What Parents Should Teach Their Children About Boundaries
Explain How Consent Works
Consent can be tricky for young people to understand, but the conversation should start when they are very young. This includes sharing information that their genitals or parts of their body covered by a bathing suit are private and using their correct names (penis, vulva, or vagina). It’s also about modeling how to ask for consent and respect boundaries.3
For example, even when they are babies, you can narrate things like bathing them or changing their nappies. We need to clean and change them (that’s not negotiable), but helping them feel part of the process can increase their sense of comfort. As they age, it will be about recognizing their developmental capacity and encouraging them to take care of their personal needs.
Also, teach them that “one yes doesn’t mean a forever yes” because maybe on one visit, they want to hug a favorite relative goodbye, but on another, they don’t. They need your support to know that this is not just fine but accepted and supported.
Related: How to Teach Your Preschooler About Consent
Don’t Force Affection
It’s essential that you don’t force your child to hug or kiss anyone goodbye, hello, or express thanks, not even family, and no, not even toward yourself or another parent or primary caregiver. We don’t want to confuse them about boundaries or consent and create rules or circumstances where they feel forced to use their bodies to express gratitude or communicate a sense of welcome.1,2 You can ask if they would like to offer contact with their body with a hug, kiss, or high five, but also provide other options, like saying “goodbye.”
Be Their Role Model for Boundaries
Show them your boundaries and consent so they can see what it looks like and sounds like when someone expresses their need for privacy. Seek their permission before touching their belongings, or ask if it’s okay to help them tie their shoes or button their shirt. Respect their answer and expect the same in return for your boundaries.4
Related: Why Setting Boundaries as a Parent Is Important
Teach Them Rules or Social Expectations
This can include house rules, safety rules, or expectations in public spaces, such as shutting the door when using the bathroom, asking permission before entering someone’s bedroom, and understanding the difference between private and public conversations. You could write this list up and keep it somewhere visible; as they get older, you can adapt or add to it.
Teach Them the Difference Between Secrets, Surprises, and Privacy
Explain that secrets aren’t allowed, and focus on the ideas of surprises or privacy instead. Let them know that secrets can feel uncomfortable or that there is no end date, and must keep a secret forever. On the other hand, a surprise is something positive, and the time for keeping quiet will come to an end soon. Privacy is also about setting the tone, allowing us to have public or private conversations and differentiate between the two.
For example, I am thrilled that my daughter asks me many questions about the human body. Still, sometimes the conversation is private, such as when she asks about a difference she has noticed in someone, like their appearance or behavior. I will tell her I’m happy to answer the question (no questions are off-limits in our house), but I would prefer to have the conversation in private, not public, so the person doesn’t hear us talking about them, as we need to be compassionate.
Related: The Importance of Teaching Kids Not to Keep Secrets
Explain Body Privacy
We need to reduce the concept of shame when discussing the human body, including private parts. We should be able to talk about vulvas, nipples, and testicles in the same way we speak about elbows or knees.
When we silence our children, feel embarrassed, use cutesy names for body parts, or avoid the topic altogether, we can unintentionally create shame. This can shut down essential conversations, including opportunities for children to share concerns, ask questions, or disclose potential harm or abuse.
We also need to explain that our child’s private parts are for them to touch only. There may be situations where a safe adult needs to touch them, such as for wiping, washing, or during a medical visit, but this should never be a secret. It should only happen when necessary and be done respectfully and briefly.
As parents and caregivers, we must reflect on our own comfort levels and any shame we may carry around bodies, boundaries, and consent. We are our children’s first teachers, and supporting their understanding of body knowledge helps keep them safe. As children grow, their boundaries will continue to change, so these conversations need to evolve too. By keeping privacy and consent at the forefront, we help children learn to value their own privacy while respecting the privacy of others.
