Most parents wonder if their baby really notices or misses them when they leave. Whether it’s returning to work, running errands, going on a date night, or simply stepping away for a break, being apart from your baby for the first time can bring up a lot of emotions.
Every parent remembers the first time they left their baby with someone else, whether it was a partner, grandparent, babysitter, or daycare provider. For many moms especially, that first goodbye can come with an overwhelming amount of guilt, anxiety, and second-guessing.
At first, babies may seem like adorable little potatoes still figuring out what their hands do. So how much do they actually understand about what’s happening around them? Do babies really miss their parents when they’re away? The short answer is yes, but probably not in the heartbreaking way many parents imagine.
Do Babies Miss Their Parents When They’re Away?
Short answer: Of course they do! However, it’s not as traumatic and horrible as you may think when you’re leaving and your baby is crying or reaching for you.
Experts say that healthy attachment and bonding help babies feel secure, even when parents step away for short periods of time.
Dr. Daniel Ganjian, a pediatrician at Providence Saint John’s Health Center in Santa Monica, California, says that children between six and nine months old have the cognitive ability to begin to miss their parents.
Signs your baby misses you can include not eating well at first or even looking around for you. Dr. Ganjian says babies will also show considerable happiness when their caregivers return to them.
Ganjian urges parents to realize they’re not causing trauma when they leave, and their child misses them. He says they stop crying quickly—on average, 80 seconds.
And in the beginning, you don’t have to worry as much. Newborns only worry about whether their needs are consistently met.1 It isn’t until they’re between five and eight months old that they begin to miss you. Object permanence is why your little one misses you when you’re not there.1
This developmental milestone is also why babies may suddenly become more attached or upset during separations around this age.
Related: How To Create a Secure Attachment With Your Baby
Object Permanence and Babies
If your baby loves peek-a-boo, it’s because of object permanence. Object permanence means your baby doesn’t know an object can exist even if they don’t see it. One reason they may get upset is their parents leaving the room or the house. Once they’ve hit this cognitive milestone, they’ll start missing you (and anything) they’ve grown fond of.1,2
Does My Baby Have Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is quite common for babies and even toddlers, and it’s all part of the development process. When your baby starts to experience this, they may seem fearful, nervous, or upset when their parents leave.1 This is because they now know and understand that you exist even if they can’t see you, and they’re not happy because you’re not with them.
Babies don’t understand time. So when their parents leave, they think their caregivers are gone forever. Babies don’t understand that their loved ones are still here, as in here on earth, and they will return.3
Signs of separation anxiety that stem from your leaving include crying when you separate briefly. It can also be clinging or crying in new situations, awakening and crying at night after previously sleeping through the night, and a refusal to go to sleep when a parent isn’t nearby.3
Related: Separation Anxiety in Kids: What It Is and How To Handle It
You Can Help Reduce the Anxiety
To reduce your separation anxiety, Ganjian says to “fake it till you make it.” He says it helps to smile as you leave, give them a quick hug and a kiss, and tell them you’ll be back soon. The longer this process takes, the worse it is for everyone.
However, “If the child cannot be calmed within 30 minutes and this happens repeatedly for more than a week, there can be something else going on, especially if it is coupled with some stress in the family, or if a parent has some psychological issues himself,” Ganjian says.
And even if your baby is the happiest baby on the block and doesn’t cry or isn’t irritated when you leave, those feelings of mom guilt can hit hard for many parents, even if it’s just at first.
Related: How to Say Goodbye at Drop-Off Without Tears
Mom Guilt: Why We Have It and What to Do About It
These feelings are especially common for parents preparing to return to work after maternity leave.
Kaitlin Soule, LMFT, therapist, author, and speaker, says moms feel guilty because the intensity of our baby’s needs is so high that we often lose ourselves in caring for them. “While it goes without saying that we love our tiny humans more than life itself, it’s all very exhausting. And so when we spend time away from our little ones, we often feel both a sense of relief AND anxiety. The relief comes from getting some space to pay attention to our own needs again, and the anxiety or tension comes from fear,” she says.
She adds that many moms fear that nobody else will be able to care for their baby as well as they can. These feelings often come from unhelpful cultural messages, our families of origin, and even the media. “One of those notions that I find to be most harmful is the idea that once we become mothers, we should WANT to give our identity over to the role completely and (worst yet) with ease,” she says.
Related: How I Learned to Let Go of Mom Guilt
The Mom Guilt Gets Easier Over Time
Thankfully, the mom guilt does get easier over time as your baby grows and becomes a little less dependent on you for immediate needs. Soule says this often becomes easier as moms begin recognizing the importance of self-care and reconnecting with their identities outside of motherhood.
“While it seems obvious, contrary to a lot of the messaging we get from society, moms are whole humans who deserve to live a full life. We can’t feel the joy that comes from pursuing our passions, making an impact in the world, or having healthy relationships if our entire self is wrapped up in just one of our roles,” she says. While the role of mom might be our most notable and challenging role, it is not the only one, Soule added.
Related: Quick Self-Care Tips for Busy Moms
So yes, babies do miss their parents when they’re away. But short separations do not damage your bond or cause lasting harm. In fact, healthy attachment helps babies learn that their parents will return, even after time apart.
With loving caregivers, quick goodbyes, reassurance, and time, both you and your little one adjust. And while the mom guilt can feel overwhelming at first, it usually gets easier as your baby grows and your confidence builds.
Taking time for yourself doesn’t weaken your connection with your baby. In many cases, it helps parents return feeling more rested, present, and emotionally available.
