It’s hard to feel like you don’t fit in with other moms. I have a wonderful group of friends I’ve known since school, but when I became pregnant with my daughter, I hoped to make new connections with other moms nearby. I imagined friendships for myself and playmates for my child. It didn’t happen the way I expected.
The other moms were kind enough, but I always felt like I was on the outside looking in. We didn’t quite click, and over time I drifted away from the group. As a psychologist who is often attuned to social dynamics, this experience surprised and hurt me more than I anticipated.
Being The Odd Mom Out
Feeling like the odd mom out is more common than many women realize, especially when expectations about motherhood don’t match reality.
As a psychologist, I have worked with many women who have described similar feelings of being the “odd mom out.” This is particularly true for moms who don’t fit the stereotypical perception of what a mom “should” look or act like. Perhaps their family and household aren’t the norms, or they belong to underrepresented groups. Lonely moms can also be those who lack the time to socialize. Their spare moments are spent trying to keep their kids alive, pay the bills, and maintain a level of chaos in their homes.
Being a lonely mom can be challenging, whether it’s a choice or not. It can evoke feelings of rejection and the sense of not being “good enough.” It can leave many people second-guessing their self-worth as a person and a parent.
The opinions of others shouldn’t impact how moms perceive themselves as women or mothers. However, I’m also aware that this is not the case for many women. They deeply feel the sting of being left out or excluded from moms’ groups or playground conversations.
Some women I’ve worked with report feeling awkward and uninteresting. They questioned their clothing choices, haircuts, and other aspects of their appearance, as well as their hobbies and interests. Many of them also worried about its influence on their child. In particular, they were concerned about how their lack of connections with mothers would influence their child’s chances of being invited to playdates. They wondered if it might impact their child’s ability to make their own friends successfully.
Related: 7 Moms You’ll Meet on the Playground
Strategies For Handling Feeling Like You Don’t Fit In
You are not alone if you have ever had these thoughts or feelings. And remember that perceived or actual rejection doesn’t mean you are not a likable person or a good mom. There are many things at play when we don’t fit in, but most are centered on how we feel about ourselves. Humans are driven to seek social connections with groups that we consider similar to ourselves or that we want to belong to.
As a human, you are hardwired to be concerned about what other people think of you. Evolutionary psychologists’ research suggests that when we perceive that people aren’t interested in us, it can lead to feelings of worry or anxiety.1 This is because we need to be securely bonded to a group. In our distant past, if we did not exist within the safety of a group, it could prove fatal (we needed the protection of a group to survive).1 Here are some strategies to help you manage feeling like you don’t fit in.
1. Search for the Right Community
First, remember that wanting to have friends or be part of a group with people going through similar experiences is a very human need. The desire to connect or have a companion during different stages of life is referred to as twinship. It is a healthy and natural part of how we build relationships.2
If you cannot make friends with local moms, you might find your community a little further afield or online. It’s essential to find a group of people who genuinely understand you and share similar interests, values, or perspectives on the world.
Related: Easy Ways to Meet and Make Mom Friends
2. Challenge Negative Thoughts That Come Up
If you start thinking about your worth or value, or dwelling on negative aspects of yourself due to challenging social situations, it’s essential to challenge the reality of those thoughts. Ask yourself, just because this person or group of people doesn’t like me, does it make me a bad person? Do I really need these people to accept me?
If the other moms have been mean or purposefully excluded you, consider what it means about them as a person (they would choose to actively be rude or mean). Reflect that this likely has nothing to do with who you are as a person.
3. Think about Your Positives
Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself. Stop giving your emotional energy and mental space to people who aren’t interested in forming genuine friendships. Reflect on other people who love and care about you. What would they say about you? What are some things that you like and value about yourself or things you have done well in the past?
4. Develop Your Social Skills
You might never break into that new moms’ group or the playground clique. But building your social skills is always great for self-esteem and improved relationships. You can practice maintaining an open and relaxed body language. Mirror some of the movements of the other person (not every movement, as that can be uncomfortable). Ask lots of questions to show your interest. Reflect or summarize what they share with you to demonstrate you are listening.
I eventually found my village as my daughter grew older, but it required stepping outside my comfort zone and putting energy into relationships with people who genuinely understood me. While the feeling of being the odd mom out still lingers at times, I learned that connection grows when effort is mutual and understanding goes both ways.
As mothers, finding our village matters. But fitting in does not mean changing who you are. It means valuing yourself as you are and surrounding yourself with people who appreciate what makes you different. Trying to change yourself to belong is rarely sustainable. Instead, focus on the relationships where you feel seen, respected, and supported.
