Kids say embarrassing things sometimes. They ask loud questions, point things out in public, and blurt out observations that can instantly make a parent want to disappear into the floor. Most of the time, though, children are not trying to be rude or hurtful. They are curious, still learning social boundaries, and trying to understand the world around them.
While these awkward moments can feel uncomfortable, they also create important opportunities to teach empathy, kindness, and compassion. The way we respond when kids notice differences in others can shape how they understand people, relationships, and respect as they grow.
Key Takeaways
- It is normal for young children to notice differences in people
- Responding calmly helps children learn empathy and social awareness
- Avoid shaming kids for asking questions or being curious
- Embarrassing moments can become valuable teaching opportunities
- Teaching kindness and compassion takes ongoing conversations and modeling
How To Respond When Your Kid Says Something Embarrassing
It’s a bit taboo to talk about differences, and it’s common for parents to hush their children and avoid awkward questions when they notice (loudly and publicly) differences in others. However, it is normal for kids to see differences. When we ignore them, we can accidentally tell them that being different is something to ignore or, more distressingly, something to be ashamed of. And when we hush them, we stop them from asking questions, but we don’t stop them from noticing or from using their imagination to make sense of the world.5 So, we need to teach our kids strategies for asking about or exploring differences in a socially appropriate and compassionate way:
Related: 11 Tips for Teaching Kindness to Kids
Know That It’s Normal
Before we get into how to address this issue, it’s important to remind yourself that what your child is doing is normal (take the pressure off them and you).5 As humans, we are designed to notice who is similar to us and, by default, who is different. This is because we are built to seek out groups for protection, and we try to find groups where many people will welcome and protect us.1 So, though your child is being “naughty” or mean when they notice a difference, it’s natural and instinctive for them to do so. Research shows that even babies prefer to look at faces similar to their own and those of their primary caregivers.1,5
Our children, particularly toddlers, are also learning about the world, so they are built to catalog things to help make sense of them. They take in new pieces of information and compare them against their existing knowledge; size, shape, color, and sound are all ways they make sense of the world around them.4 When it comes to people, it’s natural for them to look at others and try to make sense of what they are seeing by noticing what is “different” about the other person.
Related: Teaching Kids Why and How to Apologize
Turn It Into a Learning Opportunity
Instead of running away or wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole, turn the experience into a learning opportunity. You might say, “You have noticed something about that person’s [body, abilities, etc.], and you are curious. Even though it’s perfectly normal to be curious, some people don’t like to have other people talk about them, so if you have a question, maybe you can save it to ask me later?” This can ensure your child learns that it’s okay to ask, but they also understand that questions might not be appropriate or kind to ask publicly.
Or, you might suggest something like, “Ah, I can see you are curious about [skin, clothing, body shape, etc.]. I don’t know much about that, so perhaps we could research it at home together?” That way, you can find appropriate ways to explore sensitive topics. It also reduces the stigma of talking about people’s appearances or abilities, rather than pretending they don’t exist. This gives us a chance to address any judgments or misunderstandings they might have. If our kids don’t get a chance to process what they observe, they can create their own ideas about differences. This is not always good, as their ideas can be incorrect or biased.2
Speak to Your Child Kindly
Parents shouldn’t pretend it didn’t happen when a kid says something embarrassing. If you don’t address it immediately, a child won’t know they’ve said something they shouldn’t have. Gently pulling a child aside and explaining why their comment is inappropriate is better than scolding and potentially embarrassing the child.
In my house, we have a rule. My children can ask any question they want about differences they have noticed . . . they just can’t do it in front of the person. I reiterate that it’s not because the difference is anything to be embarrassed about, but we don’t know how that other person feels, and it’s unkind to talk about anyone when they could hear us. I ask my children to flag me that they have a question, and we save the question for later, usually on the car ride home.
Build Their Empathy
This isn’t a tip for young kids who don’t know what they are doing, but if an older child says something intentionally hurtful or embarrassing, you must address it. Being mean-spirited deliberately should be addressed. This will vary from family to family, but try to ensure the punishment “fits the crime.” Kids learn their lesson when consequences are natural; in other words, they can make a clear link between their actions and consequences.3,6 It’s also necessary to have many discussions about kindness and compassion at home.
A good reminder can be getting them to ask themselves, “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?” This can help them determine if asking the question or making a statement will be compassionate or potentially hurtful. Tap into times when they have felt hurt, and use those experiences to remind them what it feels like when they make harmful comments.
Related: How to Teach Empathy to Kids and Why It Matters
Lead With Love and Compassion
Above all, let your kids know that even when they say things they probably shouldn’t, you still love them. That’s what is most important. Yes, kids need to learn to make better choices, but making them feel guilty and embarrassed is not the way to do it. If a child sincerely apologizes and promises not to repeat it, the offended party will likely feel better and accept the apology.
Kids will say embarrassing things sometimes. While those moments may leave parents with flushed cheeks, they also create opportunities to teach empathy, compassion, and social awareness. Responding with patience and kindness helps children learn how to navigate differences respectfully while still feeling safe enough to stay curious and ask questions.
