From the moment our babies are born, their unique personalities begin to shine through. Some children are easygoing and calm, while others are more sensitive or energetic. Even in those early days, you can often spot little hints of who they are becoming.
While genetics plays a role in shaping personality, a child’s environment and experiences matter too.1,2 That means as parents, we have an opportunity to gently support how our children grow, helping them build confidence, emotional awareness, and strong social skills over time.
A child’s personality develops over time through a combination of temperament, environment, and everyday experiences. That means small, everyday parenting moments can have a lasting impact on how your child thinks, feels, and connects with others.
20 Tips to Support Your Child’s Personality Development
We all want our children to grow into confident, kind, and well-adjusted individuals. Here are practical ways to support your child’s personality development in everyday life:
These simple, everyday parenting strategies can help guide your child’s emotional and social development in a positive direction.
1. Avoid Labeling Them
When we use words like “shy,” “bossy,” or even “good boy or girl,” it can unintentionally create a role that shapes our child’s personality. If they hear themselves being described as shy, they can begin to live up to this expectation. The words we use about our children are powerful. Try to avoid labeling your child and focus on labeling the behavior instead.
2. Allow Them Opportunities for Free Play
Unstructured time can feel a bit daunting for parents. They might feel pressure because there is no clear outcome or goal, and it can feel like nothing is being accomplished. However, free play lets children blossom. They develop physically and emotionally as they play out their internal world. It helps them develop empathy, settle conflicts, practice different roles, flex their imagination, and learn about problem-solving.
3. Teach Them To Fight Fair
Children must learn how to manage conflict to help them respectfully navigate the world. Being able to settle disputes also supports them in having more mutually beneficial and positive relationships. They learn to be respectful in hearing others’ opinions and needs and develop boundaries. Help them manage conflict by showing them how to apologize genuinely, teach them how to actively listen, and show them to take turns to speak or respectfully disagree.
4. Don’t Do It All for Them
When we rush to fix problems for our kids, they don’t learn independence or how to problem-solve. It’s okay for kids to struggle (even if it makes us uncomfortable). They learn to be resilient and continue pursuing goals despite setbacks or challenges.
5. Model the Behavior You Want To See
If you want your child to be kind and use their manners or show respect, you need to show them what this looks like in real life. This needs to be shown in how you treat your child and others.
6. Don’t Rush Their Feelings
No parent wants to see our kids distressed. But when we rush to fix their feelings or say things like, “It’s not that bad” or “You will be okay,” we accidentally invalidate their feeling or show that we don’t think their problems are important to us. We also teach them that feelings are something to rush through or avoid. To be resilient, kind to others, and empathetic, children need to understand their feelings and manage them accordingly. Allow them to experience the feeling and focus on coping rather than avoiding the emotion.
7. Be a Good Listener
Teach them skills to be good listeners by demonstrating good non-verbal skills like making eye contact, having an open posture, using tone of voice, etc. But also teach them how to ask questions to show interest or summarize what they heard to show they listened.
8. Delay Gratification
When we can delay a current reward for some greater reward in the future, it is called being able to delay gratification. This skill is associated with better educational achievement, higher socioeconomic status, more positive relationships, and less chance of drug and alcohol abuse in later life.3 You can teach them to delay gratification by doing things they need to wait for to receive a reward, like baking a cake, growing a veggie patch, or putting a puzzle together.
9. Emotional Literacy
Children who understand their emotions are better able to recognize emotions in others (this is called empathy).4 Use lots of different words to describe their feelings. For example, anger can range from irritation to rage. The more words you use to describe your own and their feelings, the more it helps them understand and express their emotions. It’s also about noting the emotions you see in them and sharing your insights. This is because children aren’t born knowing about their feelings. You might say, “I’ve noticed you look sad right now,” or, “I wonder if you are feeling a bit frustrated?”
10. Managing Big Feelings
Emotional literacy doesn’t just help kids develop empathy; it also helps them manage their big feelings. When they can do this, they are less likely to lash out or impact others when they experience distress (leading to more positive and better-quality relationships, a better ability to focus on and complete essential tasks, and increased resilience). When a child can name their feelings, they can better match them with a coping strategy. So, help them find ways to cope with different emotions healthily. For example, if your child is angry, you might give them some playdough to squish, have them take deep breaths, write down how they feel, do some star jumps, or show them how to share their distress and talk it through in a healthy way (“I felt mad when you broke my toy because now I can’t play with it”).
11. Be Inclusive
Your child will learn from you how to treat others. If you want your child to be inclusive, think about the language you use to describe others in front of your child (they are always listening). Also, read many books about different cultures, abilities, religions, or experiences to understand how other people live. They can be more open and accepting of people who might initially feel “different” from them.
12. Allow Them To Be Responsible for Some Activities of Daily Living
This includes brushing their teeth, picking out their clothes, helping tidy their bedroom, etc. The tasks need to be appropriate for their developmental level and skill. But being responsible for these kinds of things will improve their self-esteem and encourage independence.
13. Be Gentle When They Make Mistakes
Our children can’t excel at everything. At times they might fall short of our expectations of them. It’s okay to express disappointment in their behavior choices because we still need the opportunity to try and correct and guide them moving forward. However, avoid shaming and blaming the child (remember to name the behavior and not your child as problematic). Each child has unique abilities. We can create low self-esteem and lack confidence if we don’t appreciate their strengths and challenges.
14. Try Not To Compare
We should avoid comparing our children to their siblings, us, or others. Comparing doesn’t help a child improve or become a better person. It makes them feel ashamed and not good enough, damaging their personality and self-esteem.
15. Give Back!
Giving to others and sharing doesn’t have to involve money or spending anything, but it shows children how to notice and care for others. Spend time as a family creating letters for unwell loved ones, donating old towels or blankets to an animal shelter, opening doors for people, or helping people pack their groceries if you see them struggling.
16. Limit Screen Time
Too much screen time can influence emotional and social development as children spend more time on the computer or phone than interacting with peers. It makes it hard to influence positive personality development if they don’t have the opportunity to engage with the people around them. So, try and limit screen time when possible.
17. Set Clear Boundaries
If you can show your child what having a firm boundary looks like, they will be better able to respect other people’s boundaries and protect themselves by keeping their own. You must follow through every time if you set a rule or expectation and a consequence. When kids know what to expect, they are more likely to feel safe and secure, which helps them be confident.
18. Gratitude Attitude
Practicing gratitude, or reflecting on challenges and still seeing something positive that you are grateful for, can assist in resilience and general mental well-being, and mood. This is because the mind learns to look for positives, and this, in turn, influences how you feel. So, help your child practice by sharing daily gratitude, using car rides to talk through things you are grateful for, and helping them look for positives in moments of stress.
19. Don’t Intervene Socially
If your child is in danger, by all means, swoop in. But in general, children need to be able to navigate their social challenges. We can support them and encourage them or give them strategies. But in general, we need to leave the “doing” up to them (except in instances of threat or danger). This helps children feel confident in navigating social situations and allows them to practice setting boundaries and learn about good communication and conflict-resolution skills.
20. Fill Their Cup
Children have five cups that need to be filled: freedom, mastery/self-worth, connection, fun, and safety/survival.5 When these cups are not filled, children may turn to challenging behaviors to get their needs met, often “emptying” another person’s cup. So, filling these cups will allow them to engage more meaningfully with others and in play, freeing them to do activities that positively support their personality development.
While these tips can support your child’s personality development, the most important thing to remember is that every child is different. Personality isn’t something to “fix” but something to nurture.
When you stay attuned to your child’s strengths, challenges, and needs, you create an environment where they can grow into who they are meant to be.
