Preparing your child to become a big brother or sister can bring up a lot of feelings. You may be excited to grow your family, but also wondering how your older child will handle sharing your attention, meeting the baby, and adjusting to a new family rhythm.
As a mom of four, I know this transition can feel tender. Being the youngest or only child may be part of your child’s identity, and a new baby can change how they see their place in the family.
The good news is that a little preparation can go a long way. These tips can help your child feel included, secure, and excited about becoming a big brother or sister.
Key Takeaways
- Preparing your child during pregnancy can help them feel included before the baby arrives.
- Use language that focuses on the sibling relationship, not just the new baby’s relationship with mom.
- Books, simple conversations, and baby-care practice can help children understand what to expect.
- The hospital meeting and first days at home are important moments for reassurance.
- Extra meltdowns after baby arrives are common and usually mean your child needs more connection.
Preparing Your Child During Pregnancy
Pregnancy is the perfect time to lay the groundwork for a positive sibling relationship. These ideas will help your child feel included from the start.
1. Use Intentional Language About the Baby
As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I think this is the most important thing you can do in preparing a sibling for a baby. In the months leading up to the baby’s birth (and after), talk about the baby through the siblings’ relationship instead of the relationship between mom and baby. This eliminates the need for competition over the mother and changes the focus to the importance of being a big sister or big brother.
For example, instead of saying, “Mommy is going to have a new baby,” try saying, “You are going to have a little baby sister.” Or instead of saying, “Mommy is so excited for the new baby to get here.” Try saying, “Your new brother is so excited to get here and have you hold him. He loves you so much.” This may seem like a small wording change, but I promise it makes a huge impact. It emphasizes the fun of the new sibling relationship versus the fact that the new baby will take up time with mom.
Related: 4 Ways to Foster Sibling Relationships
2. Read Books About Becoming a Big Sibling
There are many books out there about becoming a big brother or sister. My top choice is “I’m a Big Brother” and “I’m a Big Sister” by Joanna Cole because you personalize the book to your child’s sex. This book teaches them all they need to know about their big brother or sister roles from the older sibling’s perspective. Other books to consider are “My New Baby” by Rachel Fuller and “The New Baby” by Mercer Mayer.
3. Talk About What Babies Need
As adults, we know it’s easier to lower anxiety during transitions when we know before an event occurs, versus after. Who wants to go into a job interview without knowing what the new job entails? Becoming a big sibling is kind of like that, too. The more detailed information you give them about babies, the more natural it will feel when the baby arrives.
Saying little things like, “When your little brother gets here, we may have to change his diaper all the time. Like all of the time! I remember one day when I changed your diaper 15 times.” This does two things. It helps prepare them and reminds them that you did all the same stuff with them, which helps them not feel excluded. It normalizes the care babies require, the same care you gave them.
Related: How to Handle Sibling Jealousy
Preparing Your Child at the Hospital
Those first introductions matter. Use these tips to make meeting the new baby a positive and memorable experience for your older child.
4. Meet Your Child Before They Meet the Baby
Instead of letting big sibling(s) walk into the room and see mommy holding their new baby brother or sister, try meeting them in the hallway first (if you can get up and walk). That way, they see they still have YOU, and that baby has not robbed them of you.
Then, walk them into the room and say, “Baby brother has been waiting to meet you all day. He can’t wait for you to hold him!” If they are super possessive of you, let Dad handle that first interaction and stand back. This again puts the focus on their relationship.
Related: How to Introduce an Older Child to a New Sibling
5. Keep the Focus on the Older Sibling
When a sibling is first in the room, ensure no one else is gawking over the baby. Let the focus remain between big brother or sister and little one. If anything, let the emphasis be on the older sibling. Coach other relatives to comment on how loving the older sibling is or how lucky the little sibling is to have them as their brother or sister. Again, eliminate the need for competition.
And if they’re old enough, you can have them introduce the new baby to other relatives. “Grandma, this is Peyton.” This is a great way to empower them as a big sibling from the start.
6. Avoid Too Many Corrections at First
This is so important, and one of the things I feel sabotages many transitions from going smoothly. When the baby first arrives, try not to set too many limits for the older sibling. I think the best way to guarantee an older sibling will feel jealous is to suddenly feel the new baby is making them get into trouble. Of course, they have to know they cannot throw their new sibling across the room, but they will feel better if you aren’t immediately correcting them about every little thing from the second they meet.
Prep them about holding and touching a baby before they do so. Steer clear of “Don’t touch the baby’s mouth.” Instead, say, “Baby sister likes soft touches on her cheek or head. Look at how happy she is when you touch her so sweetly.”
7. Let the New Baby Give Them a Gift
This is pretty common, but if you haven’t heard of it, have the new baby get their older sibling a gift and have it waiting in the hospital room for the older sibling. This is a simple way to start the sibling relationship on a positive note. Who wouldn’t love a sibling who brings you your favorite Lego Set or Barbie?
Related: 7 Great Gift Ideas From an Older Sibling to the New Baby
Helping Your Child Adjust at Home
Once you’re home, the real adjustment begins. These steps can help your older child feel secure, valued, and connected to the new baby.
8. Let Them Be Your Helper
Once you arrive home, have the new sibling be your helper. And make them feel so special for being old enough to do things their little sibling cannot. “Wow, thank you for getting Mommy some water. You are so helpful and grown-up. I don’t know what Mommy would do without you. Little sister just lies there, but you can sit and talk with Mommy, and that is so fun.”
9. Spend One-on-One Time Together
Carve out time to be with just the big sibling after baby comes. Take them somewhere for a few hours. Maybe to the park. Or a quick trip to the store. Or if you aren’t feeling up to getting out, do an activity with them. A puzzle, Legos, Barbies… even if the time you can give them is short, if it is quality, it will make them feel connected to you and prioritized. This will help the whole transition go more smoothly.
10. Expect Big Feelings After Baby Arrives
Most likely, even with the best-behaved children, they will begin having more meltdowns after the birth of a baby sibling. They won’t necessarily act out toward their sibling, but they will likely show more emotion toward you. When this happens, do not panic. Even if it lasts six weeks, do not panic. This is normal. This is normal. This is normal. And it will pass.
No matter how much they love their sibling, it is a huge adjustment. And just as you are adjusting to sleep deprivation, they are, too. So give them grace, love, and extra reassurance (not discipline). And know they will return to normal soon.
Related: Toddler Sleep After a New Baby
Becoming a big brother or sister is a huge milestone, not just for your child but for your whole family. With patience, love, and a little preparation, you can help your older child feel proud of their new role and excited for the adventures ahead. The sibling bond grows over time, and with your guidance, it can become one of the most meaningful relationships of their lives.
