I have an interesting connection to dad jokes. I never heard my dad tell a single one, but my mom has a special talent for making us groan. She lived for those moments, telling a joke and watching an entire room of people roll their eyes. She still does!
When I became a father, a close friend sent a congratulatory text message. The first thing he asked was for my best dad joke. It took me a few hours to answer—partially because I was distracted by the beautiful child we had just brought into the world and also because I couldn’t think of a good joke!
Best Dad Jokes
So, here are more than a few dad jokes to make up for my inability to think on my feet. Some of these I’ve heard through friends and family (including my mother). I’ve picked up others along the way!
Dad Jokes about Marriage
1. My wife said my two biggest faults are I don’t listen and something else.
2. My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
3. My wife and I let astrology get between us. It Taurus apart.
4. Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
5. My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it. So, I bought her a candle.
6. My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly, I’m not a fan.
7. The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can’t beat that.
8. What do you call bees that produce milk? Boo-Bees
9. I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine, we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.
10. I once dated a condemned witch. There was a lot at stake in the relationship, but now she’s just an old flame.
11. Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.
Dad Jokes for Kids
12. It takes guts to be an organ donor.
13. Why are skeletons such bad liars? You see right through them.
14. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
15. Guy walks into a bar, he says “ouch!”
16. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left him.
17. What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.
18. What did one hat say to the other? Stay here, I’m going on ahead!
19. Why don’t restaurants serve noodles after 10:00 PM? It’s pasta bedtime.
20. Why do plants hate math? It gives them square roots.
21. I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.
22. Sore throats are a pain in the neck.
23. My neighbor claims his dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away. That seems far-fetched to me.
24. How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.
25. My printer’s name is Bob Marley. Because it’s always jammin’.
26. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
27. What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!
28. I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
29. I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.
30. Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
31. What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.
32. There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall! Terrible king but made a great ruler.
33. How do you make the number one disappear? You add “g” and it’s GONE
34. What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.
35. Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
36. Remember that joke I told you about the chiropractor? It was about a weak back.
37. Why do pregnant cows have so much energy? They’re heavily calfinated.
38. How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
39. What is the fastest growing city in the world? Capital of Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
40. What’s the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.
41. Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
42. Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many Cheetahs.
43. Why don’t you buy things with Velcro? It’s a rip-off.
44. Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.
45. How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
46. What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.
47. How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.
48. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
49. How do you catch a whole school of fish? With bookworms.
50. When I moved into my igloo, my friends threw me a housewarming party. Now I’m homeless.
51. My grandmother is 80% Irish. People call her Iris.
52. I’ve lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It’s a new loaf hat diet.
53. The inventor of Velcro died. RIP.
54. What did the judge say when visiting the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
55. How do vampires start letters? Tomb it may concern.
56. Why did the vampire have to quarantine? He was always coughin’!
57. “Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.”
58. Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
59. Why did the artist only take showers? He couldn’t draw a bath.
60. What do houses wear? An address.
61. What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
62. What did the policeman say to the belly button? “You’re under-a-vest.”
63. How do you define a farmer? Someone who is good in their field.
64. Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept.
65. Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it’s too cheesy!
66. What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller? Spot!
Great Overall Dad Jokes
67. I went to the zoo the other day and the only thing they had was a dog. It was a shih tzu.
68. I once got fired from a canned juice factory. Apparently, I couldn’t concentrate.
69. What do you call a criminal landing an airplane? Con-descending.
70. I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinz-sight.
71. I was researching Atheism. Turns out it’s a non-prophet organization.
72. What happens to Jason Momoa once he dies? He’s Jason Nomoa.
73. Why do balloons hate Taylor Swift concerts? They are afraid of pop music.
74. When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?
75. I’ll never tell my accountant a joke again. He just depreciates them.
76. Thinking of storing my ashes in a glass urn. It remains to be seen.
77. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. Don’t tell me that’s not a coincidence!
78. What do you call a Russian bedpan? A Poo-tin.
79. Some guy tried to sell me illegal bees to make honey. I said no because I knew it was a sting operation.
80. What soaps are used to keep men away? Deter-gents.
81. A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
82. What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
83. What’s a horse’s number one priority when voting? The stable economy!
84. My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge. We’ll see about that . . .
85. Finally, my winter fat has gone . . . Now, I have spring rolls.
86. Why is it a bad idea to iron a four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn’t press your luck!
87. What do you call Batman when he’s hurt? Bruised Wayne.
88. Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife? The invitation said to look sharp.
89. What do you call a duck that’s addicted? A quackhead.
90. How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed.
91. How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles.
92. Can February March? No, but April May!
93. I accidentally played ‘dad’ instead of ‘dead’ when a bear approached me in the woods. Now it can change a tire.
94. How Do Fish Get High? Seaweed.
95. Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
96. Where did the cat go after losing its tail? To the retail store.
97. If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?
98. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
99. What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.
100. I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
101. If prisoners could take their own mug shots . . . They’d be called cellfies.
102. I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
103. It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.
104. What’s the opposite of artificial intelligence? Natural stupidity.
105. Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? No, you should just stick with turkey.
106. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!
107. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.
108. Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you! You have my Word!
109. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
110. If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.
111. What’s an astronaut’s favorite candy? A Mars bar.
112. I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.
113. Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.
114. I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.
115. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
116. What do skateboarders do when they are really good? They GoPro.
117. I can kayak. Canoe?
118. Why are toilets always so good at poker? They always get a flush.
119. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
120. Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
121. Knock knock. Who’s there? Déja. Déja who? Knock knock.
122. What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
123. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
124. Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos.
125. Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends? Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.
126. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
127. Why were they called the “dark ages?” Because there were a lot of knights.
128. What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
129. I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
130. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
131. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now! Wait . . .
132. Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
133. I loaned my grandfather clock to my friend and he still hasn’t returned it . . . He owes me big time.
134. I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It’s a step-by-step guide.
135. What do you call someone who loves reading? A bookkeeper.
136. I lost an electron. Are you positive?
137. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
138. What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.
139. What do you call a mountain of cats? Meow-tain.
140. What’s Forest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
141. What do you call a man named David without an ID? Dav.
Okay, so admit it. You laughed out loud at some of these dad jokes, right? How many made you groan? Which was your favorite? Do you have any amazing dad jokes you’d add to this list?
