When we think about living a fulfilling life, it is natural to look at the role our children play in it. Parenting can be deeply meaningful and joyful, but it is not meant to carry the full weight of our happiness or sense of purpose.
Placing that responsibility on our children can create pressure they were never meant to bear. Fulfillment comes from within and from many areas of life, not just parenthood. When we recognize this, we free ourselves and our children to enjoy each other without expectation or emotional strain.
Why Relying on Your Kids Can Leave You Feeling Unfulfilled
The drive to have kids is something many people experience. We often think of this as a huge chapter in our lives, and we are right. Having kids is a big deal, but it is also one of the most challenging jobs in the world. We love them so much, but it is no secret that parents sometimes burn out. Being that needed by another person, never mind the sleep deprivation, is exhausting. We rely on our kids to bring us happiness, and while they do, our lives can’t be entirely fulfilled by them. Here are some reasons why.
Parenting Is a Constant Rollercoaster
There is no doubt that the highs with kids are the best, but the lows are rough. Kids can make us happy, but they also stress us out and frustrate us more than anything else. The ups and downs are intense, making it challenging to feel completely fulfilled. According to a study conducted by Princeton University and Stony Brook University, parents and non-parents report similar levels of life satisfaction. The difference is that parents experience more daily joy and stress than non-parents.1
They’re Expensive
Raising children also comes with significant financial demands. This piece can add to the stress in your life. According to the 2015 Consumer Expenditures Survey, you can expect to spend almost $13,000 per child per year in a middle-income family with two kids. This number can be staggering, leading to approximately $284,570 for a child born in 2015, considering inflation.2,3
You Need to Recognize Your Other Dreams
Many women have other dreams that don’t include children. While kids may be one of their dreams, it doesn’t mean it’s the only one they have. If you do your job right, in a few short years, your kids will be out of the house and thriving on their own. You will no longer have someone who constantly needs you. What will you do then? If you give up on your own dreams now, you may struggle to pick them back up again when the kids have flown the coop. Continuing to follow your passions can be crucial for your life fulfillment.
Find What Fulfills You
Finding fulfillment does not mean loving your children less. It means building a life that supports your emotional health, values, and long-term well-being.
Ultimately, fulfillment needs to come from within. Expecting other people, including our children, to provide that sense of fulfillment can lead to disappointment. Fulfillment goes beyond happiness and includes an internal sense of wholeness. According to a 2022 study by psychologists Doris Baumann and Professor Willibald Ruch, pursuing fulfillment is crucial to mental health.4
So how do you do that? If having children was never meant to be your sole source of fulfillment, what can help fill that space instead? Here are some ideas to help you discover what fulfills you.
1. Focus on Your Relationships
While our relationships with our kids are important, it helps to also consider building other relationships. A study by Harvard concluded that good relationships keep us both happier and healthier. The key here isn’t just having relationships but the interactions and connections that make them up.5
2. Spend Your Time Wisely
If there’s one thing we know too well as moms, it’s that time seems to accelerate as soon as we have kids. They seem to grow overnight, and we are more aware of the passing of time. Be present in the moment and try to accomplish something meaningful each day. Try to structure your days to allow yourself an hour to focus solely on something that brings you fulfillment.
3. Forgive Yourself and Others
To go along with the importance of time, eliminate hatred and forgive yourself and others quickly. Holding onto grudges will distract you from enjoying your life. Everyone makes mistakes, and the sooner you can forgive, the better off your relationships will be.
4. Find a Purpose in Your Work
Even if your career isn’t the big dream of your life, you can still find something in it to value. Or maybe your career is raising your kids. That’s okay.
You can pursue other activities that will add purpose and meaning to your life beyond your kids. Do you have a passion for animals? Volunteer or donate money to a shelter, or consider starting to foster rescues. Do you enjoy working with your hands? Start a hobby that you can engross yourself in for a few minutes a day or an hour a week. Find a purpose that is uniquely yours.
5. Chase Your Dreams
Finding purpose is essential in fulfilling yourself. Whether through your work or chasing dreams, that’s up to you. Try to find a purpose in both. Building toward a goal will help keep you focused, and you can celebrate the milestones along the way.
Realizing that fulfillment comes from within can relieve pressure in your relationship with your children and allow you to enjoy them more fully. Parenting may be one of your greatest roles, but it does not have to be your only source of purpose. When you lead a well-rounded life, your family benefits alongside you.
