If I asked you whether you were a perfect mother, you would probably say no. But if I asked whether you know a perfect mother, you might say yes. How is it that we can feel so imperfect while seeing perfection in other mothers?
The truth is, the idea of a perfect mother is an illusion. It’s shaped by what we see on TV, on social media, and in carefully curated moments. Letting go of that illusion can help you feel more confident, connected, and at peace in your own motherhood journey.
The Myth of the Perfect Mother
The idea of a “perfect mother” has been shaped over time by media and cultural expectations. It started in the 1950s with June Cleaver (Leave it to Beaver) on TV. June dressed impeccably and always had a beautiful dinner on the table when her husband got home at 5 p.m. Her boys caused mischief in the neighborhood and at school, but any trouble caused was always resolved by the end of those 30 minutes. To the untrained eye, June Cleaver seemed like the perfect mother.
Back then, mothers only had TV to compare themselves to other mothers. Carol Brady (The Brady Bunch), Claire Huxtable (The Cosby Show), and Donna Stone (The Donna Reed Show) were all characters created to epitomize the perfect mother. Before the internet existed, TV created an idealistic image of motherhood.
We still have TV cultivating an image of a perfect mother. Have you met Rebecca Pearson (This Is Us), Kristina Braverman (Parenthood), or even Beverly Goldberg (The Goldbergs)? But I think what differentiates today’s TV families from those of the 1950s is that producers and writers are not afraid to show glimpses of imperfection or chaos. Even Rebecca Pearson has flaws!
Related: How Letting Go of Perfection Let Me Be a Better Mom
Social Media Perpetuates the Myth
Today, social media plays a major role in reinforcing unrealistic expectations of motherhood. Mommy influencers abound, and I applaud those who show what real life with children looks like. So many moms, though, show only the highlight reel of their lives. And it’s important to remember that it’s exactly what it is, a highlight reel. They may have the most perfectly curated and posted mommy-and-me photoshoot in their story, but behind the scenes, that toddler might have thrown the biggest tantrum while putting on that outfit.
As a mom, I’ve struggled with insecurity a lot, stemming from seeing the “perfect image” of moms on social media. One of the biggest motherhood lessons a friend shared with me was not to be afraid to mute or unfollow anyone at any time if they don’t serve you. It felt like she gave me permission to unfollow anyone who fueled my insecurities, as a mom or otherwise. From then on, I stopped letting people I didn’t know influence how I felt. And I focused on creating authentic connections with moms that I trusted.
Related: 25 Things “Perfect” Moms Don’t Want You to Know
Build Real Friendships With Real Moms
Finding honest and supportive connections can help shift your perspective on motherhood. I happened to build those relationships online in a small group of moms who all have children around my son’s age. I can be vulnerable without judgment within that group of women. I’ve come to trust many of them as close friends. You might find connections with other moms in an online group, through your child’s daycare class, or at a kids’ activity such as music class or gymnastics.
Your mother, mother-in-law, or another mother figure in your life may also be a great resource for you. While raising kids today is very different from the 80s and 90s, the trials and tribulations of motherhood are consistent across generations. Influenced by social media or not, every mother (young or old) can relate to the loneliness and isolation of being a new mom, the frustration of being a toddler mom, and the fear of the unknown as your children become school-aged.
Related: 8 Easy Ways to Meet and Make Mom Friends
Let Go of the Illusion
The truth is, there is no perfect mother. Imperfection is part of the journey, and that is what makes it real.
If you find yourself comparing or feeling overwhelmed, take a step back and reset your expectations. Surround yourself with people who are honest and supportive, and focus on what truly matters for you and your family.
Remember, perfection in motherhood is an illusion. You are exactly what your child needs. And that is more than enough.
