New mothers everywhere know what it feels like to suddenly feel invisible after giving birth. During pregnancy, care and concern often come easily. Once the baby arrives, that attention can fade, leaving many new moms wondering where their support went.
The care and encouragement during pregnancy are appreciated. But after birth, many new moms quietly wish for one simple thing: to be asked how they are doing. Pregnancy is hard, but becoming a new mother can feel even harder.
The Pregnancy Glow and Extra Attention
Pregnancy can be a time of experiencing a range of emotions for many women. Some women might feel that every day is a battle and wish they could snap their fingers and be at the finish line. Others might say they never felt better and relish the glow and energy that their little one is creating inside their uterus. Regardless of where you fall on the pregnancy spectrum, there’s no question that growing a human is hard. During pregnancy, your body goes through many changes on the way to officially being called “Mama.”
During those long months of growing a baby (or multiple babies), you might experience extra TLC from those around you, even strangers. Get ready to be offered seats on the train, get doors held for you, or be allowed to go first in line at the grocery store. Those small perks are nature’s way of rewarding us for all the time and energy we spend creating this perfect life inside us.
Those small gestures can go a long way during a pregnancy that feels like it might never end. Something simple can be a huge bright spot during an otherwise stressful time. Supportive comments can also make a difference. Hearing, “You look great!” Or being asked, “How are you feeling?” can make a pregnant woman feel that she is seen and valued. The excitement from all is palpable. The impending arrival of a new baby brings joy and happiness in many ways.
Related: Say This, Not That: What New Moms Need to Hear
Oh, How the Tides Turn
Once the baby is here, it is incredible how the tide shifts. No longer is the focus on the expectant mother, but all eyes are on the new bundle of joy and soaking up all the details surrounding the new baby. For new mothers, this shift can come on quickly and unexpectedly.
It has been nice getting all the support and special attention that comes with carrying a child for nine months. Hormones are hard at work, and it helps on an emotional and mental level to be given those signs and words of support to keep ourselves calm through the ups and downs of pregnancy. Once the new baby arrives, those postpartum hormones surge faster than ever. However, this time, we are no longer the focus. Some questions and comments might be directed at the new mother. But the sole focus often centers on the newest kid on the block.
As a result, here is the plea from new mothers everywhere: please ask us how we are doing! Please know that while we are so excited the baby is here, we know you are too. But we are tired and sore. Our bodies are aching and bleeding and stitched up in places we don’t even want to look at. We haven’t slept in days. Knowing how little sleep we have in the foreseeable future is enough to make our blood pressure spike. We need a shower in the worst way. And we are already overwhelmed by the nonstop decisions that need our attention (did we fill out the paperwork for the baby’s Social Security card correctly?).
Related: How to Help the Tired Mom Before She Asks
Tips for Helping a New Mother Feel Supported
Support for new mothers often fades faster than it should, even though the postpartum period can be one of the most overwhelming transitions.
We love how much you love our baby and are thankful for the excitement and spoiling that come with such a special time. But please, don’t forget about us while welcoming our little bundles of joy. Here are a few simple ways you can help new mothers feel more supported during this wonderful and overwhelming season:
1. Ask questions that don’t have to do with the baby.
Bonus points if it sparks an easy, light conversation that doesn’t require much energy.
2. Check in after the birth, but also in a few weeks.
Often, the support and check-ins taper off drastically a week or two after the baby is born. I always felt so “seen” and supported when family and friends checked in weeks after we had settled in at home.
3. Avoid asking questions such as “How is the baby sleeping?”
I am guilty of this one, and it’s an honest question. But I found it triggering in the sleep-deprived haze that is newborn land. How do you think the baby is sleeping!?
4. Just do it, don’t ask!
Many well-intentioned friends and family members asked me what they could do to help me out after the baby was born. I never wanted to burden anyone or put anyone out, so I often declined help. However, having things just “done” for me was a treat. I didn’t have time to refuse the help, as it was already in motion, and it felt good to be spoiled somehow.
Related: Best Things to Do for a New Mom
5. Or give her a choice.
Give the new mother in your life three choices of something they would enjoy having done for them that week, for example, grocery delivery, a manicure/pedicure, or a house cleaning coupon. Let Mom pick something she really needs that week.
Regardless, the arrival of a new baby is a beautiful time. Women sacrifice so much getting pregnant, being pregnant, and enduring labor and delivery. Once the baby is here, focusing on that sweet baby is easy. Remember to recognize that the mom needs love and support as well. Give attention to both the baby and the mama who brought them safely into the world.
