When someone you love is struggling with infertility, it can be hard to know what to say or how to show up. You may want to help, but worry about saying the wrong thing or making an already painful situation harder.

According to the Department of Health and Human Services, 10-15% of American couples are infertile, meaning they have not conceived after one year of regular, unprotected sex.¹ For many of us, myself included, infertility becomes real when someone close to us is walking through it.

Infertility hit close to home for me when my sister and her husband tried for years to get pregnant with no luck. For my sister, she had to learn how to walk through it. For me, I had to learn how to walk beside her.

Here are a few ways to be a supportive friend to someone struggling with infertility.

Related: Thoughtful Gifts for a Friend Struggling With Infertility

Tips for Supporting a Friend Struggling With Infertility

Every person’s infertility journey is different, so there is no perfect script. These tips can help you show up with more care, patience, and sensitivity.

1. Ask What They Need, Then Follow Through

Some days, your friend will want to talk about her journey. Some days, she’ll want to talk about anything but her struggles. On other days, she’ll want to be left alone entirely. These are all completely normal reactions to the emotional roller coaster she’s going through.

As her friend, your main job is to be there for her in whatever way she needs you. Ask her, “What do you need from me today?” Then, by following through on her needs, you will be one of the most supportive things you can do for her.

2. Learn More About Infertility

There are a lot of reasons that a couple may struggle with infertility. But there also may be no reason. Unexplained infertility accounts for about 30% of cases.² This is a tough pill to swallow for couples. Not only is there no explanation for their infertility, but it also makes it harder for doctors to address the issue.

Learning about infertility, its causes, and common treatment options can help you listen with more understanding and empathy. She may appreciate that you took time to understand more about what she is facing.

Related: Fertility Treatments: Options and What Is Involved

3. Be Careful How You Talk About Pregnancy

This one makes me cringe because I am guilty of it. When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, my sister was in the midst of her infertility struggle. Despite my best efforts to keep my frustrations about my pregnancy to myself (it was a tough pregnancy filled with debilitating pain), too many times, I caught myself venting to my mom and my sister, who had always been my sounding board in the past. But because of my sister’s struggle with infertility, my complaining about something she deeply wanted to experience was like a punch in the gut for her.

I’m not saying you don’t have a right to vent your frustrations about pregnancy. After all, it is a tough thing to go through for some women. Just find someone else to vent to, and watch your tone in front of your friend who would give anything to be pregnant.

4. Do Not Bring Up Adoption Unless They Do

While adoption might be a viable solution for some couples who suffer from infertility, it may not be a solution for all of them. Further, bringing up adoption to a woman who is not ready to give up on the idea of having her biological children is pretty insensitive.

For your friend’s feelings, don’t bring up adoption unless and until she mentions the subject. While it may be the solution she’s been searching for, it is vital to her journey that she reach that conclusion herself, when she’s ready.

Related: The Rollercoaster of Infertility: Women’s Stories

5. Support Their Treatment Decisions

There are a great many ways doctors treat infertility these days. The options presented to couples struggling with infertility may be overwhelming at times. Your friend will probably need to talk to you about the options to understand them better herself.

She may also make decisions about treatments you may not agree with or don’t fully understand. She may tell you that they’ve chosen not to pursue treatments and trust God or nature to make it happen when it’s time.

Whatever the case, your job is to support whatever treatments (or non-treatments) she decides to pursue and nothing more. Avoid criticizing, questioning, or judging her treatment choices. This is her journey, her decision, her body. Whatever treatment she chooses, make sure she knows you’ll be there to support her.

6. Avoid Unsolicited Advice

Advice is the job of doctors. No matter how much research you’ve done or how smart you are, you are not her doctor. Even if you are a doctor, your friend is not coming to you for medical advice. In you, your friend is looking for a shoulder to cry on, a friend to hold her hand, a fellow woman to sympathize with her pain, and a third party to bounce ideas off of. Don’t give it unless she specifically asks for advice. And if she asks for your advice, give it carefully, with grace and gentleness.

Related: How to Help a Mom Who Has Experienced Loss

7. Listen Without Trying To Fix It

Sometimes, this is the best thing you can offer a friend in pain. Just be there to listen and acknowledge the struggle she’s going through. Give her the space, time, and grace to unpack her emotions. She is holding a lot of emotional weight right now. Sometimes, all she wants to do is just set it down for a while.

While she knows you can’t pick it up for her or take it away from her, she will appreciate having a safe place where she can be real and vulnerable and just let it all out for a moment. Being that safe place for her is a powerful way to support a friend struggling with infertility.

Supporting someone through infertility is not about having the perfect response. It is about showing up consistently and with compassion.

For someone going through infertility, the journey can feel lonely, exhausting, and uncertain. You may not be able to take away your friend’s pain, but your steady presence can still matter deeply.

Ask what they need. Listen when they want to talk. Respect when they do not. And remember that you do not have to have the perfect words to be a good friend. Sometimes simply showing up with love, patience, and care is enough.