How to Raise Grateful and Responsible Children
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Quinn Kelly is a busy wife and mother of four boys as well as a marriage and family therapist. She hopes to encourage other moms with laughter and honesty and help remind them that the best part about motherhood has nothing to do with being the “perfect” mom or raising the “perfect” kids, but instead enjoying yourself and your children along the way.
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The movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory has always been a favorite of mine. Mainly because a candy factory with a chocolate river is right up my sweet tooth alley of dreams. But Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka is one character in that movie that has always tainted it for me. Who would ever raise a child to act like Veruca? And why would a parent ever end up giving their child every. single. thing. they. want?
Well, it’s easy to judge when you do not have any children of your own. But for many parents, once they fall in love with their child, they may end up finding it easier than they ever imagined to give them all the things that make them happy. Not because they want them spoiled, but because they love them. But sometimes determining the difference between showing love and giving excessively can get blurry. And while giving to our children is not necessarily bad, in excess, it can become entitlement, which is what every parent seems to fear.
So how do we stop it? How do we prevent ourselves from raising kids who feel the world owes them something? Well there are two very helpful antidotes: gratitude and responsibility. Responsibility increases gratitude. And when gratitude increases, entitlement decreases. So as parents, we want to focus on helping implement strategies at home that focus on these.
Here are a few of my favorite ways to raise grateful and responsible children:
Implement Ownership Around the House
The concept of chores has been around forever. And there are different camps on the best way a chore should be assigned—for payment or without. But whatever your family decides, teaching your child to contribute to the family household is a great way to teach responsibility. Parents often get caught up in how well a child is doing a task. But they forget that the point of the chore is more about teaching the child they are capable, too. (Not that they will fold the laundry to a parent’s standards. Because they will not, much to my dismay!) However, the more they see they are capable of, the more self-esteem they develop, which leads to taking ownership of their decisions and increased responsibility.
Teach Dinnertime Gratitude
Dinnertime is a great way to reconnect with the family and the older children get, it becomes more crucial. But it’s also a great time to reset your focus as a family too. Instead of just generically talking about your days, ask your children specific questions centered around things that have gone well for them. Instead of, “What was the best part of your day?” ask “What is one thing someone did for you today that was nice?” This small change in a question helps change their mind to be focused on gratitude. It also encourages you to have conversation around why someone did what they did. “Wow, that was very nice of your teacher to give everyone in class extra recess. Maybe she wanted to show you all that she cared for you! Maybe next time she does, go give her a hug and tell her thank you!”
Say No So They Experience Waiting for Something
We often say yes to simple things our children ask for just because we can:
“Mom, can we drive through McDonald’s?” Sure.
“Mom, do you mind if I get that swimsuit?” Sure.
“Mom, can I go to this sports camp?” I guess so.
Our answer is often YES. But when a child never hears no, they begin to think they do always get what they want. And they never learn the skill of having to wait on something they want or not getting something that sounds fun. And if you always get what you want, it’s hard to appreciate what you’ve been given. So as parents, we want to say no sometimes, so when we do say YES, our children feel thankfulness. It seems simple, but it can be profound. You can even say, “I can say yes to that, but sometimes it’s good to wait for things we want. So I’m going to say no because I love you.”
Write Thank You Notes
This is one of my all-time favorite methods for increasing gratitude. Have your child get in the habit of writing handwritten thank you notes for presents they receive or when an adult does something nice for them. If they are too little to write, have them do their name or their handprint or a scribble. This is NOT about the person on the other end expecting a thank you. Instead, it’s about teaching your child to look for opportunities to show gratitude. The more we focus our minds on noticing how blessed we are, the more we feel it in our hearts.
Model and Teach Ownership of Mistakes
Last, it’s strange to say that recognizing fault within ourselves is a way to increase responsibility, but it is. It teaches us (and our children) to be responsible for their actions or have accountability. And entitled children tend to struggle with noticing when they are in the wrong. Instead of, I made a mistake, it’s “You made me…” So an easy way to help is to take responsibility when we mess up in front of them. If your children haven’t seen you apologize, how will they think it’s a safe thing to do? When we model saying I am sorry, they see the value in saying they’ve made a mistake too! Then step in when they need to apologize and talk about how even adults have to admit mistakes too.
Thanks for reading! I hope some of these tips can help out with your littles. Let us know if one of these particularly hit home with you!