Dear Husband,
Before having kids, I understood what it felt like to work long days and come home completely exhausted. I know the pressure and stress that can come with working full-time outside the home.
But becoming a stay-at-home mom has exhausted me in ways I never expected. When motherhood becomes your full-time role, it can feel like you’re constantly “on.” There are no true breaks, no quiet lunch hours, and no clocking out at the end of the day.
Even though I know your job is exhausting too, I need you to understand that I’m tired too.
The Reality of Being Home All Day
Before we had kids, being at home was relaxing. Once having kids and making staying at home my norm, things changed. Being the sole caretaker for children without additional support can be physically and emotionally draining. Whenever a child needs something, it’s up to me. Whenever they are fighting, it’s up to me to break it up. It falls on me to meet their needs while you’re at work.
I’m the only support our children have, so I’m always on. It is hard being everyone’s everything all day. I don’t ever get a break or relax. Everything is on me until you return in the evening.
Related: How to Help the Tired Mom Before She Asks
I’m So Tired
When our kids were infants (and sometimes even on difficult days now that they’re slightly older), I would often count down the minutes until you got home so I could take a shower alone. I wanted a few minutes without someone touching me, without needing to break up fights, and time just to be alone.
Passing the kids off as soon as you walk in the door can be rough on you, too. But some days, I am losing my mind by the time you get home, and I can’t stand it another minute on those super hard days. I know you work hard and need time to decompress after a long day too. But it’s different.
You get breaks at work, while I often don’t. You deal with other adults instead of toddler tantrums. Although adults can tantrum with the best of them, at least they don’t scream as much. You get to eat lunch without stopping every few minutes to get someone a napkin, more water, or cut more apples.
You also get a change of scenery. While we get out of the house on some days, other days, it just doesn’t work. Maybe they’re cranky, I’m grumpy, the timing is off, I have too much to do, or the weather is crummy. While being in the house all day can take a toll, sometimes it’s easier or necessary. Taking kids somewhere is much more complicated and involved than going somewhere alone.
I appreciate all you do, and by communicating well, I’m sure you’ll realize all I do as well.
Signed,
Your tired but appreciative wife
Talking to Your Partner About Exhaustion
No matter how much you wish he could, your partner can’t read your mind. You’re probably putting out a bunch of clues about how grumpy you are, but until you spell it out as I did above, he may not know what exactly you need. Tell him how your day is going, and listen when he tells you about his.
Both of you have valid feelings, whether being tired, frustrated, or overwhelmed. By listening to each other, you’ll better understand what the other person goes through during the day and can better support each other.
Just because we’re home all day doesn’t mean that the house is spotless or that we’re super productive. If there’s anyone who can mess up carefully laid plans, it’s children. Despite how productive you intend for your day to be, they will usually find a way to derail it.
Tell him what you need. If you’re having a bad day, tell him you need a few minutes to yourself once he gets home. If you could tell him ahead of time when he walks in the door, it would be much better than springing it on him as he comes in. And if you need time on the weekend to just be alone, tell him that too.
Taking care of kids all day is exhausting, and you’re often touched out. Sometimes you may want to be alone, and that’s okay. The key is communicating with each other to understand where each of you is coming from, so you can support each other.
Related: Touched Out: What It Is and What to Do About It
Parenting is exhausting for both stay-at-home parents and working parents in different ways. While our responsibilities may look different, the exhaustion is still real on both sides. Instead of competing over who is more tired or overwhelmed, supporting each other and communicating openly can help create a healthier balance for the entire family.
