Why are the parents of some infants relaxed and at ease, while other parents are exhausted, guilty, and frustrated with raising their new infant? Is it because of their parenting skills, or is it due to something else? Why do some parents have not-so-easy babies?
Why Some Babies Are Harder Than Others
Every baby has a different temperament. These differences can make some babies seem easier to soothe and others more challenging to care for.
How Babies Differ From One Another
- Some move constantly while others are content to lie quietly.
- Some sleep and eat in regular patterns, while others never settle into any routine of hunger or rest.
- Some like bright lights, and others like light muted.
- Some wake up cheerful and happy, while others are fidgety and fussy.
- Some like to be wrapped tightly, and others want to be free of all tight clothes.
- Some cry all day, and others only in 10 to 15-minute episodes.
- Some like to be carried around, and others do not.
Not All Babies Are the Same
Everyone believes that statement, but is surprised when their baby is not what they ordered: an easy baby. When a Not-So-Easy (NSE) baby arrives and cries more and refuses to sleep, and despite taking all advice, it seems impossible to soothe, you blame yourself. You may have difficulty breastfeeding. You must be a failure. What are you doing wrong? What if your baby does not bond? Worry and guilt follow.
Why a Fussy or Unpredictable Baby Isn’t Your Fault
All the uncertainty of parenting seems so stressful. It is not your fault. You are doing nothing wrong. You have a Not-So-Easy baby. Commonly, what follows the trips to the doctor with these symptoms are diagnoses of colic, possibly milk allergies, and sometimes reflux. Feeding routines are changed, occasionally meds are added, and other advice is offered. In around three months, you will have figured out some things that work. Maybe naps on a running washing machine or driving around in the car, but things do calm down, or you are just too tired to notice. The certain fact is your parenting life is harder than others you know.
You have a Not-So-Easy baby and need more tools and skills than parents with easy babies. Easy baby parents may take credit for being great parents, but more nature than nurture decides your parenting experiences during these early months. These behaviors are some examples of temperament trait differences.
Related: Baby Fussiness: When It’s Normal and When It’s Not
What Causes the Not-So-Easy Baby?
Temperament is a natural part of a child’s personality and disposition. It is the genetic imprint one inherits. In the late 1950s, two child psychiatrists, Drs. Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas mapped nine of these traits in infants and followed these children for 30 years. This research proved that temperament traits change little over time.1 However, the good news is that temperament can be altered by trait-specific training from the parents.
These behavioral style temperament traits can be tested by three months of age. Some children’s natural temperament combinations are easy, some are challenging, and some are difficult most of the time. Knowing this critical information can prepare you, your child, and the caregivers and teachers for the likely behavior patterns that will follow. Testing is available here.
Related: 10 Reasons Your Baby Might Be Fussy (and How To Help)
How Temperament Shapes Each Baby’s Behavior
The specific difficulties your children may encounter can be managed by strengthening these at-risk combinations of temperament traits. A parenting plan, a roadmap specifically designed for your child’s unique characteristics, can lessen your frustrations, minimize the daily strains on the family, and prepare the child for a more successful and happy life. This knowledge can prevent situations in the learning environment that can cause behavior problems.
The Nine Temperament Traits Explained
The first trait is the activity level. If your child is ‘on the go’ all the time, that is more challenging than if your child is content to sit and play quietly. Other traits children exhibit include:
- Their initial response to something new: new places, people, foods, and experiences.
- How they deal with transition, change, and altered situations and surprises.
- The level of sensitivity to cause a reaction to noise, bright lights, temperature change, colors, smells, pain, tastes, and the texture and feel of clothes.
- Their regular or irregular patterns of sleep, appetite, and bowel habits.
- The length of time they can stay focused.
- The level of distractibility.
- Their intensity of action and response.
- Their basic mood, positive or negative.
The blend of these nine traits comprises your child’s unique temperament and behavioral style. Some combinations are easier than others to live with, manage, and even love.
These innate temperament traits determine how well your children fit into the world of your expectations and the demands of other caregivers and teachers. If there is a good fit between an infant’s temperament and a parent’s expectations, then there is harmony. But if there is not a poor fit, it will result in behavioral problems. For example, expecting a highly active child to remain still for long periods of time is a temperament-limiting task.
Related: 11 Ways to Soothe a Fussy Baby
How Temperament Shapes Parenting Differences
Parenting all children the same way is like the “one size fits all” concept. Unfortunately, one size does not fit everyone well! Having a plan to help your children obtain the best fit can enhance their chances of success, happiness, and mental health.
Remember, your baby’s temperament and your parenting skills are not the same thing. Please, Mama, never blame yourself for having a not-so-easy baby. You’ll learn your little one’s cues and discover what helps them thrive.
Be patient with yourself, and if others offer criticism, feel free to point them to this article. You’re doing an amazing job with a more demanding task than most parents face, and your child’s unique traits will one day become their greatest strengths.
Rejoice in who your child is and in the incredible parent you’re becoming.
