Mom Rage Is Real: Why You Feel Angry and How to Cope

Being a mom is no easy task. So, why is there so much pressure on us to perform at our peak 24/7? “Mom rage” is something so many of us experience. But it can be hard to talk about it openly. If you’ve experienced that rage with your children, this article is for you.

Motherhood can be beautiful, but it’s also overwhelming. When the stress piles up, even the calmest mom can feel ready to explode.

As moms, we wear a million hats most days: we are the head chef, chauffeur, nurse, tutor, maid, and more. With all these responsibilities and efforts toward being a good mom and partner, this is where the rage can set in. We ask ourselves, “Why don’t I have the help?” “Why am I doing all this and then some alone?” “When do I have time for myself and not only for my family and children?” If you feel this way, you’re not alone!

What Is Mom Rage and Where Does It Come From?

“Mom rage” describes intense anger that mothers can experience in connection with the pressures of motherhood. These episodes may be driven by feeling powerless or stressed, or by the unfairness of expectations and demands.⁴

Author and mother Minna Dubin wrote about mom rage in a 2020 New York Times article.¹ She explored the term linking rage, or angry mothers, to the contradiction many women face regarding motherhood and how they are expected to express their emotions. The expectation of a “good mother” is that she will appropriately manage her emotions, revel in “mother work,” and scrutinize and manage her behavior to be a role model for her children.^2,3

Women may become trapped by the ideals and expectations of motherhood (that they should be ultimately patient and feel continually joyful), and they feel immense stigma, guilt, and shame when they respond to their feelings of anger.^4,5 Suppressing their anger and pushing aside their needs can make it harder to talk about or address what’s driving those feelings, which can lead to more anger.^4,5 Mom rage can be a vicious cycle!

How to Cope With Mom Rage

There are many things people will suggest to help the rage subside: for example, a good night’s rest and alone time to focus on your thoughts and feelings. Or maybe drop a few responsibilities that are not helping the rage and angry feelings. These suggestions can help, but for many of us moms, they don’t always feel attainable because our newborns won’t let us sleep, and our toddlers don’t want to leave our sides.

Here are a few things to try:

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparing yourself to other moms can cause you to feel a lot of rage. Feeling like you’re not keeping up with the Joneses or doing as much as your neighbor down the street is not healthy or helpful. There is a reason why the saying goes, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” It makes people feel less than and unworthy, which is far from the truth. All of us moms do things differently, and that’s okay. We’re doing a great job as long as our children are safe, cared for, and loved.

Set Realistic Expectations

Setting realistic expectations for yourself and your family can also help your mom rage. It helps to remember our children’s stage of development. For example, tantrums are common between ages 1 and 3, while children are still learning to manage frustration.⁶ This is why having expectations that match our children’s abilities can help us remain calm. And keeping calm will help relax many situations you may find yourself in with your children, whether at home or on the go.

When something is beyond your control, try not to add self-blame to the frustration. It’s also crucial that you are realistic with yourself. Remember, it’s impossible to be patient (or perfect) 100% of the time.

Take a Mommy Time-Out

I know you may feel like you cannot leave your child or children when it feels like all hell is breaking loose. First, make sure your children are somewhere safe and have any supervision they need. If another trusted adult is available, ask them to take over. Give yourself a few minutes to breathe and settle before returning to the situation.⁷ A pause may not solve what’s upsetting you, but it can give you time to choose how to respond.

Related: How to Show Love to Your Kids When Angry

Ask for Specific Help

Those questions about doing everything alone deserve attention, too. If you have a partner or another trusted person who can help, ask for something specific: taking over bedtime, handling dinner, or watching the kids while you rest. When possible, agree on help you can count on regularly, rather than waiting until you’re overwhelmed.

When To Seek More Support

If your anger feels hard to control, keeps returning, or is affecting your relationships, talk with a healthcare professional or therapist. You can ask for help even if you’re unsure whether “mom rage” describes what you’re experiencing.⁸

If you’ve recently had a baby, mention that, too. Intense anger after childbirth can occur alongside postpartum depression or anxiety, though anger alone does not mean you have either condition.⁹

If you feel you may act on an urge to hurt yourself or someone else, get immediate help. Make sure your children are safe, ask a trusted adult to take over if possible, and call 911 or your local emergency number.⁹

You Are Not A Bad Mom

Feeling angry does not make you a bad person or a bad mother. Children are constantly learning, growing, and pushing their boundaries. As they go through different stages of life, there are things they must grow and learn from that may trigger your “mom rage.”

When newborns are crying constantly, it can get to you. As they learn to walk, they will constantly get into things they shouldn’t, which can drive you batty. And as they grow up and start to attend school or daycare, they will probably learn things from other children, such as bad words and attitudes, which might make you want to scream! These are all stages we go through as mothers. We each have different coping mechanisms, but sharing our experiences can be helpful.

If you’ve yelled or said something hurtful, come back when you’re calm and apologize. You might say, “I’m sorry I shouted. It wasn’t okay, and I’m working on handling my anger differently.” Then follow through on what you’ll do differently next time.⁷

You Are Not Alone

The anger you’re experiencing can sometimes feel like you’re not cut out for the job as someone’s mom, role model, or superhero. It might make you feel alone, sad, and full of despair. You might find yourself wondering, “Am I enough? Am I everything they need and want in a mother figure? Am I doing any of this right?“

It’s a wild ride, this motherhood thing. We face uncontrollable circumstances daily, no matter how down and out we may feel. Mom rage can surface in these moments, but you need to know there’s a whole team of us out here, and you’re far from alone.