The process of dropping your child off is not always easy. Whether your baby or preschooler attends daycare or you have a babysitter a few times a week, saying goodbye can be tough. Even dropping your child off at Grandma’s house can spark tears.
After years as a mom, babysitter, teacher, and school administrator, I’ve gathered simple strategies that make the goodbye process smoother and less stressful for both of you. This article explains why kids struggle with drop-off and shares practical, child-centered tips to help ease separation anxiety.
Why Do Kids Get So Upset When We Leave?
It’s normal for children to experience separation anxiety from infancy up until the age of about three. In essence, separation anxiety is the distress they experience when they say goodbye to their primary caregiver.4 You might see them crying or being clingy. They may even try to avoid situations where they know they must separate from their parent.5 There are several reasons why separation anxiety occurs, including:4,5
- Developmental stage – Until children learn object permanence, separation can be challenging. Object permanence is the understanding that things still exist despite being unable to see them (which is why peekaboo is such a great game!). Until they develop this cognitive skill, many children experience distress because they don’t understand that you still exist and will return for them.
- Survival – Our little ones rely on us for survival. Once they understand that we can leave them, it can create distress. This makes sense if you consider it from a survival instinct perspective. They need us around, so they use all their skills to communicate that we should come back . . . immediately!
- Stress or adverse life events – If there have been some big changes in your child’s life, it can impact their separation anxiety. These changes could be illness, death, moving to a new home, parents separating, etc.
- Temperament – Some children are more sensitive and less able to handle strong emotions, and they will have a bigger emotional response to separation.
A psychologist notes that these reactions are developmentally normal and reflect your child’s growing understanding of separation, not a problem with your parenting.
How To Say Goodbye at Drop-Off
At these times, remember that your little one is constantly going through new developmental stages. As a result, it may be easy to drop them off at childcare and say goodbye one day, while the next day, they might cry and find it nearly impossible to let go of you! To help make the drop-off process easier, here are some helpful tips:
1. Create a Consistent Routine Before Drop-Off
Children thrive on a consistent routine.3 Predictability can help them better cope with the often unpredictable emotions they may feel at any given moment. A set routine lets them know what they can expect at certain times of the day. This gives your child a sense of security.3
For example, your morning routine might involve changing your little one’s diaper, feeding them breakfast or a bottle, and giving them a hug or having cuddle time before you drop them off. This ensures a pattern that leaves them feeling well-cared for before you say goodbye.
2. Let Your Child Know You Will Come Back
Even if your little one is under one year old, get in the habit of letting your child know that you’re leaving and when they can expect you to return.3 This can help establish a line of communication and a bond of trust between you and your child.
If they are sensitive about you leaving, sneaking out the door when they aren’t looking typically doesn’t work. It may even backfire because when your child realizes you are no longer there, they may cry. This lack of communication can reinforce feelings of abandonment and exacerbate the situation. Ultimately, you want your child to understand that you will come back and that it’s okay for them to stay in this new place without you.
3. Avoid Staying Too Long at Drop-Off
Lingering at your child’s daycare or in the room with a babysitter can cause your child some measure of confusion. It can ultimately make it harder to part when saying goodbye. If it’s your child’s first time with the sitter or childcare provider, you may stay longer to help them acclimate and get comfortable. Otherwise, it’s better to give your little one a quick hug, tell them when you’ll be back, and say bye.
For instance, I once had a parent who would stay for almost 20 minutes every time she dropped off her preschooler in my class, even though her child was fine. I gently told her that this process did not benefit her son. He would circle back, confused as to why she was still there. It also caused stress and confusion for other children who didn’t understand why one mommy stayed while their parents had left.
4. Use Distractions to Ease the Transition
Another tip is to encourage distractions during the drop-off process. Allow the caregiver to distract your child with a toy or activity. Be sure to say goodbye, but release your child’s attention and help the caregiver take over with their method of distraction without injecting your own.
5. Be Mindful of Your Emotions at Drop-Off
Your little one is a sponge and highly sensitive to how you feel, what you say, and what you do. Babies and young children are biologically designed to depend entirely on their caregivers at this early stage. They are greatly attuned to what their caregivers are feeling.1 This means your little one may absorb and copy some of your emotions. With this in mind, it can be helpful to put on an upbeat face when you say goodbye to your child, leaving them with the sense that everything is okay.
I’m not suggesting that you ignore your feelings. If it’s hard for you to say goodbye and you feel sad, it’s healthy to address those feelings with another adult. You could even talk with your little one about what saying goodbye feels like. But do this outside the classroom, not when you’re about to leave your child (i.e., at home together on the weekend).
6. Talk to Your Child’s Caregiver
Maintaining an open line of communication with your child’s caregiver is beneficial in all areas of your child’s development, including the drop-off process. Have a conversation with your caregiver about what to expect at drop-off. Also, share with them any fears, hopes, or expectations you may have regarding the experience.
It is perfectly normal to feel some anxiety around saying goodbye to your little one when you drop them off with a new caregiver. Ideally, have this conversation with your childcare provider before the drop-off — for example, via e-mail, an in-person classroom meeting, or a phone call.
7. Understand Your Child’s Stage of Development
The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that separation anxiety generally peaks between 10 and 18 months. It should decrease during the last half of the second year.2 Be aware that your child may go through periods of ease at drop-off, followed by weeks of difficulty saying goodbye. This is not necessarily a reflection on your methods or caregivers. It may be as simple as a change in their cognitive development. Additionally, your child is more vulnerable to separation anxiety when they feel tired, hungry, or sick. Keep that in mind if the struggle seems sudden or out of the ordinary.
If the crying is constant and happens consistently for months, you may want to consider a different childcare option. Listen to what your gut is telling you. If you strongly believe that the childcare situation is not ideal for your child, consider seeking help from friends, family, or other reliable sources to find an alternative childcare option. Likely, the caregiver you’ve chosen is great, and your little one’s separation anxiety will pass within weeks.
I hope these tips help make goodbyes a little easier. With consistency, clear communication, and support from your caregiver, most children adjust within a few weeks. And if drop-off remains difficult for longer, talking with your caregiver or a child development professional can offer additional guidance.
Soon, saying goodbye at drop-off will be quick and routine — and one day, you might be the one wiping away tears as you watch them head off with confidence.
