It can feel so frustrating. When you are with the kids, everything turns into a battle. But when they are with Dad, they suddenly seem calm, cooperative, and easygoing. Why do they behave better with Dad? This is a big question that probably touches a nerve with many moms.
Before I get into the answers, I want to clarify my use of “Mom” and “Dad” for this discussion. Whether you parent with your spouse, co-parent, step-parent, same-sex partner, or no partner, the following descriptions can show up in any family.
Maybe you and your spouse take on roles that are the opposite of what I describe, or you switch roles throughout the week. Perhaps you’re a solo parent who embodies bits and pieces of both roles, or you see this play out with other caregivers.
Whatever your situation, know that the parenting relationship is constantly evolving. I use the terms “Mom” and “Dad” for coherence in addressing this question.
I also want to highlight the phrase “behave better” before digging in. The ingrained belief that a child’s behavior is good or bad limits our perspective on children.
Psychologists and researchers (like Dr. Mona Delahooke) are reframing our view of behavior as simply communication. The challenging behavior we see in children is not malicious, manipulative, personal, or even intentional. Seeing any behavior as a child’s attempt to communicate helps us respond in a supportive (rather than punitive or defensive) way.
Key Takeaways
- Kids may behave differently with each parent because they respond to different routines, expectations, energy levels, and relationships.
- More time with one parent often means that parent sees more challenging behavior.
- Parenting style, emotional bandwidth, and body language can all affect how children respond.
- Big feelings often come out with the parent who feels safest.
- Instead of taking it personally, get curious about what your child’s behavior may be communicating.
Related: The Silent Workload Moms Carry and Why It’s Exhausting
Now that we’ve unpacked some of what’s behind this question, let’s look at a few possible explanations.
Why Kids Behave Differently With Each Parent
Several factors can influence how children interact with different caregivers, including time spent together, parenting style, emotional energy, and attachment.
Most adults feel better when children are cooperative, connected, and easy to be around.
Parents desire children who cooperate, don’t put up much resistance, and show more laughter than tears. Everyone wants to feel good when being together.
So, why do kids seem to show more cooperation, compliance, and cheerfulness with Dad than with Mom? I mentioned that behavior is communication. Communication depends on our perception. Children perceive differences and respond (behave) differently according to those perceptions. Here are some reasons kids may behave better with one parent over the other:
1. One Parent Spends More Time With the Kids
If your family is like mine, Mom spends more time with the kids than Dad does. Even moms with other jobs tend to carry out most caregiving tasks, whether it’s getting kids ready in the morning, attending activities, or managing bedtime routines. The amount of contact time children have with different adults can influence how we experience their behavior.
Statistically speaking, if I spend six hours each weekday with my kids and my husband spends two hours each weekday, I’m more likely to see challenging behavior. Sometimes it’s that simple: the person who is with the kids the most witnesses the most.
Another outcome of this is each parent’s emotional bandwidth for healthy and supportive interactions.3 If a parent is frustrated, tired, or emotionally drained, it can make it difficult to parent positively or be constructive with their children, influencing the child’s behavior.3
By the time we’re getting the kids ready for bed, I have spent most of my patience, empathy, and compassion. There’s a good chance my emotional energy will elicit challenging behaviors from my kids (or, at the very least, their normal behaviors feel more difficult because I feel spent). Meanwhile, my husband could add more patience and playfulness to his bucket, which would elicit easier, joyful responses from the kids. Again, these are only possible scenarios. They can easily be the complete reverse.
One final effect of contact time is saturation. When one parent spends more time with the kids, the other parent becomes a novelty in the child’s eyes. The anticipation and excitement create an environment where the child becomes more engaged and enthusiastic with the parent who spends less time with the child. Sometimes, the parent who has been away for longer can feel a little more novel or exciting to the child.
Related: The Enormous Pressure of Being The Default Parent
2. Parenting Styles Are Different
A significant factor in how kids behave with each parent is parenting style. Kids are intelligent, intuitive, and adaptive. If parents parent differently, children behave differently.4 This is encouraging because if you want your child to behave differently, you can create the change by parenting differently.
For example, let’s say Mom has an authoritative style: she holds firm boundaries and is comfortable navigating the pushback that comes with it.4 Let’s say Dad typically has an authoritarian style: he is strict, allows no room for negotiation, and does not tolerate resistance of any kind.4
Children in this environment often learn that Mom can handle some whining, fussing, or even occasional backtalk, while Dad does not allow it, ever. The children may show greater resistance to Mom’s boundaries and total compliance with Dad’s boundaries (misinterpreted as “good” behavior).
Alternatively, maybe Mom has a permissive style: she puts up a strong front but always caves in the end. Maybe Dad has a conscious parenting style: he holds firm boundaries and collaborates with the kids to stick to them. Mom will get the whining, moaning, and complaining (because it works eventually), while Dad gets questions, suggestions, and creative solutions.
The truth is that all parents can exhibit all parenting styles. Noticing which style you’re using and how your children respond will tell you a lot about the dynamics of your relationship at that moment.
Related: Types of Parenting Styles Explained by an Expert
3. Kids Mirror Adult Energy and Emotions
Children’s brain development is another direct link to their behavior. Humans use mirror neurons from infancy into adulthood to observe and learn from their social interactions.1 When an adult is smiling, laughing, and generally relaxed, a child typically responds with the same demeanor. When an adult is tense, averting eye contact, and speaking harshly, a child observing those interactions will become tense, uptight, or withdrawn in response.
How does this factor into a child’s behavior with their parents? Look at the signals from Mom or Dad’s body language and facial expressions.
If Dad is energized and enthusiastic with the kids, the kids respond with the same energy and enthusiasm. If Mom is frustrated and irritated around the kids, they are more likely to react with impatience and irritation. Again, these traits and corresponding behaviors can apply to any interaction between an adult and a child. One parent or the other may have a personality that tends toward a lighthearted, playful mood or a more serious, guarded demeanor. There is no right or wrong, good or bad person here. The awareness of your child inherently imitating adult expressions and behaviors is most important.
Related: Playtime With Dad: Why It Helps Babies Learn and Grow
4. Secure Attachment Can Bring Out Big Feelings
A critical concept called secure attachment is a final factor that can make it seem like kids behave better with Dad. In their book “The Power of Showing Up,” Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe parents as “safe harbors” for their children, fostering a sense of security and attachment.2 This means the parent can remain calm, present, and attuned when the child is in an emotional storm.
Those emotional storms are usually what erupt as big behaviors.
When a child experiences any parent’s avoidance, withdrawal, punishment, or overreaction, that child builds emotional defenses and stops showing those big feelings.
When a child is welcomed with empathy, compassion, and security, they learn that expressing turbulent emotions is not only tolerated but accepted.
From the child’s point of view, it’s a simple question: “Is it safe to show my feelings?” They know which parent provides the safe harbor, and that’s the parent who will witness the toughest moments. So, while it may be hard to be a safe harbor, know that if you see challenging behavior from your child, it’s because they know they are safe with you and can express themselves fully without fear. I know it’s a backward kind of compliment, but it’s a compliment nonetheless.
Related: How To Respond to Toddler Tantrums With Empathy
The Bottom Line
If your child seems to behave better with Dad or another caregiver, try not to take it personally. Children are not usually trying to pick sides or play favorites.
Their behavior often reflects what they need, what they expect, and where they feel safest expressing big emotions.
Instead of asking, “Why are they so much harder with me?” try asking, “What is my child communicating?” That shift in perspective can help you respond with more curiosity, compassion, and confidence.
