This has always been an important topic for me. I am a mom of twin girls who are now nine and a half, and I just had another baby girl three months ago. I am proudly raising three girls, and that comes with a deep sense of responsibility.
Of course, I want them to be kind, respectful, and compassionate. But one responsibility is always on my mind: teaching them to speak up and use their voice.
Old Habits Can Be Hard to Break
The way we were raised can shape how we parent, even when we are trying to do things differently.
I ran into this issue a few days ago with my dad. He and I don’t have the best relationship. He’s not very emotionally in tune, and growing up, he demanded I be a certain way. I was supposed to say hi politely to everyone, talk about my day at dinner, and always ask others about theirs. I had to make sure I said “bless you” with every sneeze (so much so that now I can’t walk past a stranger without saying it) and always sit straight and kindly listen when others speak.
Now, this may seem like a good foundation for a child to learn, and I think it is. But it was extreme. Unfortunately, I see many of his mannerisms bubbling up in me as I raise my girls. It has been a struggle for me to break out of these patterns. Of course, I want them to be polite, engage with others, listen, and not always talk. But there is a fine line between being your own person and being afraid to cross the imaginary line of cultural etiquette.
I was raised in Mexico City, where “hellos” and “goodbyes” are much different from those in the States. People there say hello and goodbye with a kiss on the cheek. It’s a cultural thing, and honestly, I love it. But not everyone gets it. I’m used to it, but not everyone in my family is, including my girls.
One day, my dad came over for a visit. My twins had just gotten out of the shower and came downstairs after he had already sat down to see the baby. As they approached the couch and sat down, my dad immediately said to them, “Why don’t you say hi to Mimi and me?” Somewhat reluctantly, they went up to him and gave him a kiss.
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Teaching My Girls Boundaries
Moments that seem small can be opportunities to teach children about boundaries and self-expression.
It may seem like a small, inconsequential thing, but that event stuck with me. It brought me back to my childhood, and I felt unexpected resentment. When I asked my girls if they were upset about what had happened, they said no. They probably did not think twice about it. Maybe it’s because it’s not an everyday thing for them, since I clearly haven’t taught them to greet people this way. But I still felt we needed to talk about it.
I reminded them that no one needs to tell them to say hello, especially with a kiss. I said it’s okay if you don’t want to kiss your father or me, your grandfather, or anyone else, for that matter. You can say hello, but you don’t need to do something if it makes you uncomfortable. I think they got it. But I knew I needed to say more.
I reminded them they have every right to speak their minds, set boundaries, and say no when something makes them uncomfortable.
Our conversation went on for a few minutes, and I think they understood. But my job wasn’t done. Afterward, I reached out to my dad and told him how uncomfortable it made me feel. I explained that it is my responsibility to raise my children in a way that aligns with my values. I do not think it is okay to make them say hello to anyone a certain way. I know he may not fully understand or agree. But I had to say it, and I’m glad I did.
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Be Respectful and Use Your Voice
This is my responsibility. To raise my girls knowing they have a voice and the right to use it.
I want them to be kind and respectful, but also confident enough to speak up, set boundaries, and be themselves. Because if they cannot do that at home, they will not feel comfortable doing it in the world.
