A Look Inside the Rollercoaster of Infertility

sad woman on bed with negative pregnancy test

A Look Inside the Rollercoaster of Infertility

Infertility. A topic that seems to be casually mentioned everywhere. On talk shows. TV shows. In magazines. For those who are not experiencing it, it can easily be talked about in an impersonal and factual tone. But for those who are living through an infertility battle, there is nothing impersonal about it.

“The hope is the hardest part, but the idea that you’re going to give up the hope, is even harder than that. And even if you say you gave up, even if, it never works, even if…”

Instead, it is an experience that is close to the heart. And one that is full of emotion. It’s a rollercoaster ride full of high hopes and deep pain. And often times, this experience is hidden from others. And it can be extremely isolating.

I used to think that infertility was uncommon. I thought that families that had no children were just people who had made a conscious choice to live kid-free. But now I realize it is not uncommon at all. In fact, I can think of more than 20 people I know personally who have battled infertility. That’s because about 10% of women struggle to get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy.

So today, instead of writing about the facts of this subject, I wanted you to hear about the heart of it from those that are deep within it. Here is a personal and honest look into the everyday rollercoaster of battling infertility, from a few special ladies experiencing it.

You feel every emotion.

“That is what infertility is. A long weird journey of being happy, mad, lost, angry, depressed, okay, excited, and numb. Honestly it makes me as a woman feel inadequate and insanely jealous of everyone. When people would tell me they were pregnant, of course I was happy for them, but even more so sad for myself. I would cry every single time someone told me they were expecting.”

You feel isolated.

“After multiple failed IUI cycles as well as IVF, I’d say the hardest thing for me was not having a big support group because it isn’t talked about enough. Most of my friends were wanting to be supportive but just didn’t know how. They ended up saying things that were meant well but ended up being hurtful. Once I started talking to more people and sharing our experiences, I realized just how common it is.”

You look for simple solutions.

“I have sat through several sessions of acupuncture, changed my diet a million times, taken vitamins, and have detoxed with chemicals. Neither my husband or I are drinkers — we don’t drink alcohol ever or smoke. Also I’ve tried every herbal, holistic and ‘ it worked for my friend’ idea that’s been thrown at me. Plus prayer, and more prayer… It’s hard to convince me that anything is easy, or quick easy solutions are the answers to any problem. But then the scared, sad, desperate part of my brain says, ‘But hey, it might be crazy enough to work.’ So I do every weird insane ‘try this to get pregnant’ thing I read about.”

You try and make sense of it.

“I pray about it a lot, and have come to the conclusion that for now, maybe I am praying wrong. If I don’t get a baby of my own, or inner peace as to when I might, then maybe I should just be praying for the desire to have a baby of my own go away.”

You look for something to blame.

“One of the hardest things to deal with is the anger. I don’t like to be angry, but if I do get angry at someone I can yell at them or tell them why. I have something to take my anger out on, but with infertility…. there’s no one to take anything out on. There is nothing to blame it on. It’s just this big dark cloud above my head with nowhere to go.”

You mourn.

I find myself mourning the loss of something I will never have or experience. I am missing something that I’ve never had. And I feel that I won’t ever be the one to turn a pregnancy test positive, run to the bathroom to throw up during dinner, feel a kick from the inside, give someone my Grandmother’s middle name, or look into a little, chubby face and see the perfect mix of me and my husband looking back at me.”

You make peace.

“I won’t let it win though. I just have to fight it in increments because it takes a lot out of me to fight something I can’t find or explain. And as hard as it may have been in the moment when I found out yet another friend was pregnant (or was pregnant again), I try not to let what I was going through keep me from being happy for them. It was tough, but important I think to keep some perspective and be there for them.”

You find the positives.

“I know I’m missing a lot and giving up a huge dream, but I also get to experience something a lot of my friends haven’t, and that’s a bond between an adopted child and adoptive parents…. It’s a long painful process, but I feel we will be blessed with our child through adoption soon.”

I hope these words have given you insight into the private and painful journey of many around you battling infertility. It is my hope that these words inspire you to appreciate the littles ones you have, and to know that if you’re facing a fertility struggle of your own, you are not alone.

I have to give a special thank you to the AMAZING ladies who have contributed to this article. Your words are poignant. Raw. And beautiful. May we all grow from them.

About the Author /

Quinn is a wife, boy mom (x’s 4), blogger at Sanctification and Spitup, host of the Renew You Podcast and licensed marriage and family therapist. She loves to encourage others in relationships through her speaking, writing or podcast episodes.

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1️⃣ For night feedings. When mom wakes up in the middle of the night, you get up and ask if she needs any help or water. The truth is most of the time she will say no but just the fact that you offered will go far.⁠
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2️⃣ Ask mom if she can pump and then pick 1 feeding that you will always do. Mom will take on almost everything and will burn herself out if you let her. At times you may have to force her to rest without worrying about the baby. This is an easy way to do that without a fight.⁠
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3️⃣ Don't put a time limit on how long mom breastfeeds the baby. It's not just about feeding your child it's about them bonding as well. I know everyone has a different length of time they will breastfeed and as a Dad, it's hard to fully understand. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try and rush this process. It's not our place and it's not safe. You will open yourself up to a fight you can't win.⁠
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4️⃣ Be patient. I know as a Dad the first few weeks we are equally excited and yet not as important. Your time will come faster than you know. Babies grow fast and the stronger and bigger they get the more Daddy Time will be coming your way.⁠
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5️⃣ Paternity leave! If you have it TAKE IT. The early stages of a child's life are not just for moms to enjoy. I know as men making the money especially after having a baby it's hard, but trust me. You can always make money but there are no instant replays in life. It doesn't make you more of a man to not take the leave. It's equally as important that you as a Dad get to be a part of the early development of your child. ⁠
If someone needs this info tag them ❤️⁠
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Absolutely love these tips from @chroniclesofdaddy. 🙌
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The postpartum period, or period of recovery that takes place after a mother gives birth, is an important time for mothers to take care of themselves. 🥰 Typically, if you’re less than 6 weeks postpartum you don’t want to put any pressure on your core muscles. Also, your body’s levels of relaxin, the hormone that loosens joints to prepare for childbirth, is elevated for 3-6 months after childbirth, and longer if you are breastfeeding. All this means is: take these postpartum yoga poses slowly and stretch yourself gently. No gymnastics here or pushing beyond what is comfortable.⁠
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