A Look Inside the Rollercoaster of Infertility
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Quinn Kelly is a busy wife and mother of four boys as well as a marriage and family therapist. She hopes to encourage other moms with laughter and honesty and help remind them that the best part about motherhood has nothing to do with being the “perfect” mom or raising the “perfect” kids, but instead enjoying yourself and your children along the way.
If you like what you are reading and want to hear more from Quinn, follow her personal blog Sanctification and Spitup, which is also found on Facebook.
“The hope is the hardest part, but the idea that you’re going to give up the hope, is even harder than that. And even if you say you gave up, even if, it never works, even if…”
Infertility. A word. A struggle. A topic that seems to be casually mentioned everywhere. On talk shows. TV shows. In magazines.
And for those who are not experiencing it, it can easily be talked about in an impersonal and factual tone. But for those who are living it, there is nothing impersonal about it.
Instead, it is an experience that is close to the heart. And one that is full of emotion. It’s a rollercoaster ride full of high hopes and deep pain. And often times, this experience is hidden from others. And isolating.
I used to think that infertility was uncommon. And that families that had no children were just people who had made a conscious choice to live kid-free. But now I realize it is not uncommon at all. In fact, I can think of more than 20 people I know personally who have struggled with infertility. And that’s because 1 in 8 couples struggle to get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy, according to a survey from the CDC (Centers for Disease Control).
So today, instead of writing about the facts of this subject, I wanted you to hear about the heart of it from those that are deep within it. Here is a personal and honest look into the everyday rollercoaster of battling infertility, from a few special ladies experiencing it.
You feel every emotion.
“That is what infertility is. A long weird journey of being happy, mad, lost, angry, depressed, okay, excited, and numb. Honestly it makes me as a woman feel inadequate and insanely jealous of everyone. When people would tell me they were pregnant, of course I was happy for them, but even more so sad for myself. I would cry every single time someone told me they were expecting.”
You feel isolated.
“After multiple failed IUI cycles as well as IVF, I’d say the hardest thing for me was not having a big support group because it isn’t talked about enough. Most of my friends were wanting to be supportive but just didn’t know how. They ended up saying things that were meant well but ended up being hurtful. Once I started talking to more people and sharing our experiences, I realized just how common it is.”
You look for simple solutions.
“I have sat through several sessions of acupuncture, changed my diet a million times, taken vitamins, and have detoxed with chemicals. Neither my husband or I are drinkers — we don’t drink alcohol ever or smoke. Also I’ve tried every herbal, holistic and ‘ it worked for my friend’ idea that’s been thrown at me. Plus prayer, and more prayer… It’s hard to convince me that anything is easy, or quick easy solutions are the answers to any problem. But then the scared, sad, desperate part of my brain says, ‘But hey, it might be crazy enough to work.’ So I do every weird insane ‘try this to get pregnant’ thing I read about.”
You try and make sense of it.
“I pray about it a lot, and have come to the conclusion that for now, maybe I am praying wrong. If I don’t get a baby of my own, or inner peace as to when I might, then maybe I should just be praying for the desire to have a baby of my own go away.”
You look for something to blame.
“One of the hardest things to deal with is the anger. I don’t like to be angry, but if I do get angry at someone I can yell at them or tell them why. I have something to take my anger out on, but with infertility…. there’s no one to take anything out on. There is nothing to blame it on. It’s just this big dark cloud above my head with nowhere to go.”
“I find myself mourning the loss of something I will never have or experience. I am missing something that I’ve never had. And I feel that I won’t ever be the one to turn a pregnancy test positive, run to the bathroom to throw up during dinner, feel a kick from the inside, give someone my Grandmother’s middle name, or look into a little, chubby face and see the perfect mix of me and my husband looking back at me.”
You make peace.
“I won’t let it win though. I just have to fight it in increments because it takes a lot out of me to fight something I can’t find or explain. And as hard as it may have been in the moment when I found out yet another friend was pregnant (or was pregnant again), I try not to let what I was going through keep me from being happy for them. It was tough, but important I think to keep some perspective and be there for them.”
You find the positives.
“I know I’m missing a lot and giving up a huge dream, but I also get to experience something a lot of my friends haven’t, and that’s a bond between an adopted child and adoptive parents…. It’s a long painful process, but I feel we will be blessed with our child through adoption soon.”
I hope these words have given you insight into the private and painful journey of many around you. It is my hope that these words inspire you to appreciate the littles ones you have, and to know that if you’re facing a fertility struggle of your own, you are not alone.
I have to give a special thank you to the AMAZING ladies who have contributed to this article. Your words are poignant. Raw. And beautiful. May we all grow from them.
All My Love and Respect,