4 Things You Should Never Tease Your Child About

In many families, gentle teasing is common between siblings or even parents and children. Teasing might seem pretty harmless, but certain topics can have a significant impact on your child’s confidence, self-esteem, mood, and overall well-being.^1,2

A joke about your child’s appearance, abilities, worries, or personality may feel very different to them than it does to you. Here’s why these topics deserve care, along with ways to respond and examples of what you can say instead.

4 Things You Should Never Tease Your Child About

Teasing can be playful, but good intentions don’t guarantee that a joke feels harmless to the person hearing it.³ These four topics deserve particular care:

1. Their Body and Appearance

We aren’t born with a fully formed sense of identity. It’s shaped as we grow and interact with people around us (how they treat us, what they say to and about us, etc.). Because our children are still developing their sense of identity (including their body image), it can be a sensitive time for them. It’s vital that they receive the right messages to develop a healthy sense of self.⁴

So, avoid teasing your child about their appearance, including their body shape or size, their weight, or any particular features of their body or face. Even “funny” jokes about their appearance aren’t really funny for our children. They might become insecure or hyperfocused on their body or link their appearance to their self-worth.⁴

Try to focus on their body’s function rather than what it looks like. For example, you could say, “Your legs are so strong and help you run and jump!”

2. Their Abilities

We all have different skills and talents and a natural capacity for different things. So, you don’t want to tease your child about their abilities or intelligence.⁵ When we tease our children about being “slow” or say things like, “Why can’t you get that right? I’ve shown you over and over,” it can make them afraid of making mistakes.⁵ It also makes our children feel inadequate over something they likely cannot help.

Instead, we want to give them praise and encouragement. Or you can help them problem-solve, take things slower, or just accept where they’re at. It’s important to focus on their efforts rather than the outcome.

3. Their Worries

It’s natural for children to have fears, such as loud noises, the dark, or being left alone.⁶ But teasing them about those fears can leave them feeling ashamed or reluctant to ask for comfort.¹⁰

Instead of saying, “The thunder can’t hurt you,” you might try to validate their emotion and share that you understand their fear. You don’t need to validate the fear itself by agreeing that it’s scary. Just acknowledge the very real emotion behind it. For example: “I can see you feel really worried about the thunder. I’m here if you need a cuddle or some help.” Offer support and compassion, rather than teasing, to help them work through their worries.

4. Their Personality

Children differ in how they react to people and new situations. Temperament helps shape these differences, while personality continues to develop through experience and relationships.⁷ Teasing your child about being quiet or slow to warm up can make them feel that something is wrong with who they are.¹⁰

Children take in and internalize what we say, often using these words to help shape their sense of self.⁷ And we want them to have a positive sense of self, not a negative one.

For example, instead of teasing your child for being shy, you could let them know that it’s okay if they take a bit of time to warm up. You might also acknowledge that meeting new people can feel uncomfortable. Honor your child’s unique traits and celebrate their individuality. This can help them feel accepted as they grow.

How Teasing Impacts Children

Gentle teasing can be a lighthearted way of interacting with your child.³ For example, if your child wins a game you’re playing together, you might even tease yourself: “I’d better up my game so I can win next time. I can tell you’ve been practicing!” Pay attention to how your child responds, even when you mean a joke affectionately.³

However, teasing can significantly and negatively impact a child’s development and emotional well-being when it goes too far. Here are some ways that teasing affects children’s mood, confidence, and well-being:^1,2

Self-Esteem

Over time, if we consistently tease our children about certain topics, they can become sensitive to it. This can eventually erode their self-esteem. Yes, we might just be joking or being playful. But if our child is insecure about something and we constantly point it out, it can make them doubt themselves or experience low self-worth.¹⁰

Mental Health and Emotional Well-Being

Teasing may also impact our children’s mental and emotional well-being. If our children are teased frequently or harshly, it can make them sad, anxious, or angry. Persistent or harmful teasing may contribute to depression or worsen existing emotional difficulties.¹⁰

If teasing is relentless, children may also feel unsafe to express themselves. They might think their needs aren’t important or valued because the teasing continues despite wanting it to stop. This might cause them to withdraw. Or there might be a strain in the relationship between the parent and child (if the parent is the one doing the teasing), as the child doesn’t feel comfortable communicating or expressing themselves openly.

Defensiveness, Withdrawal, and Anger

Teasing can also result in behavioral issues. In response to teasing, some children may feel angry or think they must somehow defend themselves.¹⁰ Some might respond explosively or lash out. Children may also react in the opposite way and withdraw socially or find it hard to connect with others. Lastly, some children might start to tease or bully others, leading to a cycle of negativity.¹⁰

How To Talk With Your Child Without Hurtful Teasing

So, how can parents, educators, and other caregivers help children feel respected and valued? These approaches offer ways to listen, respond, and give feedback without hurtful teasing.^8,9

Show Them What Respectful Communication Looks Like

Our kids are little sponges; they’re watching us and listening to us all the time. They mirror what they see, so ensure you model kind and respectful communication toward your child and others around you.¹¹ Avoid teasing other people about these sensitive topics, too, especially when your child can hear you. By doing this, you’re showing them what empathy, compassion, and respectful communication look like. This will help them understand how to treat others and know that they (your child) are also worthy of respect.

Have Open Conversations

Let your child know they can tell you when something you’ve said hurts their feelings, and listen when they do. They shouldn’t have to pretend a joke is funny to avoid upsetting you.

So, let your child know that all emotions are okay, and support them with compassion if they’re experiencing challenges. Instead of shutting them down with statements like “Don’t worry; you’ll be fine” or “It’s not that bad,” acknowledge their emotions as genuine. For example: “It seems like you’re mad. It’s normal to feel like that!” or “I wonder if you’re feeling sad right now?” When you notice and acknowledge their emotions, they’ll feel a sense of connection and will be more likely to feel comfortable and be open and honest with you.

Remember To Say Sorry

While you probably didn’t mean to hurt your child’s feelings, if you recognize that you’ve taken a joke or teasing too far, it’s important to apologize to them. Stop the teasing, even if you meant it as a joke. Pay attention to your child’s responses (verbal and nonverbal), and if you feel like they might be upset with a joke you’ve made, check in with them and find out why they’re upset.

Nonverbal cues might be turning away, lowering their heads, the emotion on their face changing to sadness or anger, or turning into themselves (shrugging, crunching, or hunching in). Verbally, they might express displeasure or upset with what’s been said.

These cues can help you notice when a joke has hurt your child. When you understand why your child felt hurt, it allows you to craft a meaningful apology. A genuine apology acknowledges the error (even if it wasn’t intentional), doesn’t make excuses, and recognizes the feeling or result of the error. For example: “I’m really sorry that I hurt your feelings when I teased you about the clothes you picked today. I won’t joke about your clothes again.”

Related: Saying Sorry to Kids Is Not a Weakness

Offer Feedback (Instead of Teasing)

Of course, we want the best for our kids, and many times, our teasing is a way of correcting or bringing their attention to something we’d like them to change. But instead, we need to offer feedback in the most healthy and constructive way possible. Otherwise, we risk negatively impacting their self-esteem, sense of self, and confidence.

We must also balance constructive criticism with positive feedback to help them develop a positive sense of self. When your child has done something well, provide specific feedback, particularly about their efforts rather than the outcome. Here’s an example: “I can see that you tried really hard during that running race. You were tired, but you kept trying.”

This can help your child develop a growth mindset (where they see challenge or “failure” as an opportunity for learning or growth rather than giving up). It’ll help them focus on working hard even when they face challenges rather than experiencing self-esteem only when they “win” or achieve a certain result.

Some topics deserve particular care, even in families that enjoy joking together. These include sensitive topics like body image, abilities, fears, and personality traits. Teasing can have a lasting impact on a child’s sense of worth, self-esteem, mental health, and well-being. By listening when a joke hurts and responding with respect, support, and compassion, you can help your child feel safe coming to you.