While our children can sometimes drive us up the wall, we love them unconditionally. So, it’s essential to ensure they understand how much we love them by showing that we know the 5 love languages of children. Inside every child, there are many cups to be filled, including connection and love. We often see misbehavior when a child’s love cup is empty, and they seek unhealthy or not particularly adaptive ways to try and draw our attention back to them.
Gary Chapman, Ph.D., wrote the best-selling book, “The 5 Love Languages,” which articulates that every person needs a unique blend of affection and attention from those who love them. Expressions of love are seen in five unique ways: gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and physical touch.1 He terms each of these five unique expressions of love our “love language.”
How to Identify Your Child’s Love Language
Connecting how you naturally demonstrate love to your child’s love language can help ensure your child is emotionally satisfied. It is essential to observe how your child naturally shows affection to others and how they respond to others’ loving behaviors. Spend a moment reflecting: do they tell you 47 times a day they love you? Do they flourish when you praise them? Does a hug fix all? Do they constantly make you things? Or do they smile with pride after helping you carry in the shopping? Our children give us these cues about which of the 5 love languages they respond to best.
Here are the five love languages and how you can support your child’s love language:1
1. Gifts
Gifts are not things a child receives in return for their behavior, like money or a small token for doing their chores. A true gift is about genuine care and has nothing to do with money or material things. Instead, it’s about sharing and recognizing an interest your child has or showing them physically that you have been thinking about them or caring about them. This is not the same as physical touch. Just be careful not to overdo it with material things; remember, gifts can also be the gift of time or recognition.
Gift Ideas for Showing Love:
- Make them something they can wear or keep with them, like a beaded bracelet, a small clay figurine, or a love letter
- Send them letters or gifts in the mail
- Ensure that the presents you give are thoughtful and fit your child’s interests
- Have experiences together, like going to the zoo, park, or aquarium, and give the gift of time and attention
2. Acts of Service
This one can be tricky. Much of our parenting role can be seen as an act of service. We might believe we already engage in this love language, or it’s challenging to find the energy to do things in addition to the numerous parenting tasks we already do. However, an act of service is about finding small ways to do something for your child that communicates love (in and among the acts of service we already show when we do our daily parenting duties).
Simple Acts of Service That Show You Care:
- Take time out to watch them at their sports events and cheer them on
- When your child is feeling sad or upset, find their favorite toy or make their favorite dinner
- Make sure your child has opportunities to engage in acts of service by donating or volunteering
- Develop traditions where you make certain meals for special occasions, like pancakes for their birthday
- If they are struggling with an activity, stop what you are doing and help them
3. Words of Affirmation
We speak to our kids daily, telling them to do things, reminding them of upcoming events, and asking them questions. However, these are not necessarily ways of expressing their love language. Words of affirmation have a tremendous effect on children. We can praise, compliment, tell them we love them, and help them feel affirmed that they are worthy because of the words we share.
Ideas for Expressing Words of Affirmation:
- Tell them and share exactly what they did when they did well instead of just saying, “Good job.”
- Words don’t have to be spoken; leave them a little love note in their lunch box
- Use nicknames or other terms of affection saved especially for them
- Have a bedtime routine of words you say, like “goodnight, sleep tight,” or a short poem or saying
- Tell them often that you love them, but also share why you love them
Related: Positive Affirmations for Kids to Build Confidence
4. Quality Time
This one can be particularly challenging for time-poor parents. However, remember that it’s the quality of time, not the quantity. So, ensure you have one-on-one time with your child, where your attention is undivided. Make sure that your phone and other distractions are out of the way. You don’t always need a plan or spend money on something expensive. Quality time is also about getting to know each other and can include maintaining eye contact and engaging in reciprocal conversations.
Quality Time Ideas To Strengthen Your Bond:
- Make eye contact and give a little smile or wink
- Schedule a special time with your child. It doesn’t have to be long, but ensure that it’s uninterrupted
- Have story time or read together
- When your child talks to you, stop what you are doing and ensure you listen
- Show you are listening and care by asking relevant questions
- Play board games together
- Help them with schoolwork
5. Physical Touch
Touch is a common way children express love and affection. You can use your body to convey love to your child in various ways, such as a cuddle, a kiss, a massage, a pat on the back, a high-five, or even playing a physical game like “tag.”
Physical Touch That Comforts and Connects:
- Snuggling up and reading a story
- Make sure to tuck them into bed
- Rubbing their arm or hair when you ask how their day went
- If they feel unwell, cuddle them or wash their face
Discovering your child’s love language can unlock a closeness you never knew was possible. When kids feel safe, seen, and emotionally connected to their parents, they thrive, learning comes more easily, and their confidence grows. It may take time and patience to recognize and speak your child’s love language, but the effort is always worth it.
