Modesty is a topic that comes up often in parenting conversations, and the discussion typically focuses on girls. While boys and girls should be taught about modesty, how we teach our daughters can sometimes lead to body shame. That is something I would like to avoid.
The term “modesty” derives from the Latin word modestus, meaning “keeping within measure.“1 But modesty is also shaped by culture, family values, and personal beliefs. For one family, modesty might simply mean keeping private parts covered. For another, it may mean avoiding clothing that is form-fitting or revealing.
Some people believe women should be able to wear whatever they want without feeling judged or shamed. Others believe dressing more conservatively can be a way to protect privacy and avoid unwanted attention. I think both perspectives are worth considering.
As a mother, I want to teach my daughter to love and respect her body while also understanding privacy, personal boundaries, and self-respect. My goal is to raise her to feel confident in her body, not ashamed of it, while also knowing how to set boundaries that feel right for her.
Ways to Teach Modesty Without Body Shame
Every family approaches modesty differently, and cultural, religious, and personal values all play a role. No matter where you fall on the spectrum, it’s possible to teach your daughter about privacy, body autonomy, personal boundaries, body confidence, and self-respect without making her feel ashamed of her body.
Treat Nudity as Natural and Normal
There is nothing wrong or shameful about the human body. Young children are prime examples of how nudity was meant to be experienced; they have zero problems running around completely naked, their tiny bits flying all over the place. In fact, some kids love and prefer to be naked! This is natural and normal. It will also instinctively change as they get older. Don’t shame your children for reveling in their nudity. Instead, ensure they know it’s okay to run around naked at home, but encourage clothing when friends or guests come over.
Related: How To Talk to Your Kids About Body Image
Encourage Questions About the Body
Kids are very curious about their bodies starting at about age three. They also notice the difference between their siblings’ bodies and their mom’s and dad’s bodies. When your kids start asking questions about their or your body, answer them factually and concisely.
For instance, when my daughter was around three, she saw her dad getting out of the shower. She turned and asked me, “Mommy, why does daddy have a long pee-pee, and I don’t?” I tried hard not to laugh as I told her, “Daddy is a boy, and boys have penises. They are shaped long. Girls have vaginas, and they aren’t long. Boys and girls are made very differently, aren’t they?” This answer seemed to satisfy her curiosity for the time being.
Related: How to Teach Your Preschooler About Consent
Talk Casually About Covering Up
I never want to make a big deal about nakedness. When my daughter was tiny and ran around naked, I would tell her, “Silly girl! Let’s go put on a pretty dress.” She would giggle and put on a princess dress. These days, I will talk to her casually when we brush her hair after a shower. I will say to her, “Great job using your robe! Now that you’re getting bigger, it’s a great idea to make sure we’re not walking around the house naked.”
Respect Your Child’s Natural Desire for Privacy
Around the age of five, some children naturally become more aware of privacy when changing clothes, bathing, or using the bathroom.2 Respect this instinct and encourage it. When my daughter turned five, I bought her a fuzzy pink bathrobe. I told her she could use it to get ready for her showers, and it would keep her covered and warm. I also started utilizing my bathrobe more. Whenever we would get ready for her shower, I’d say, “Make sure you put on your robe and slippers!” And she would very excitedly put them on. I also encouraged her to close the door when she went to the bathroom and close her room door when she was changing.
Related: Why It’s Important to Talk to Your Child About Their Private Parts
Teach Them That Their Body Belongs to Them
Let’s teach our sons and daughters to view their bodies with respect and appreciation. Rather than making our girls feel like their changing bodies are something to hide, we can teach them that their bodies are private and worthy of respect.
I want my daughter to understand that her body belongs to her. She gets to decide what feels comfortable, what feels private, and what boundaries she wants to set. Privacy, personal boundaries, and self-respect are all important skills that can help children grow into confident adults.
At the same time, every person is responsible for their own behavior. We can teach our children to make thoughtful choices while also teaching them that nobody has the right to ignore or disrespect their boundaries.
Be a Positive Role Model
As our girls get older, they will want to start dressing like the women they see on social media, in magazines, or on TV. However, some of the “role models” our kids have these days are questionable at best.
I don’t want my kids acting like them, much less dressing like them. So I have to be the primary example of what a beautiful, confident woman looks like to my daughter.
I feel most confident when I am wearing clothing that is flattering, attractive, and relatively conservative. So I will encourage my daughter to emulate that same look. I will encourage her to see icons like Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn as the type of women to emulate. And I will further encourage her by taking her shopping and gently leading her toward more classic, classy styles rather than trends that don’t align with the values I’m hoping to teach.
Related: Teaching Kids About Privacy and Personal Boundaries
As mothers, we are responsible for teaching our daughters how to love and appreciate their bodies, develop body confidence, protect their privacy, and establish healthy personal boundaries. They will learn to see themselves through what we teach them and how we view ourselves. If you do only one thing to support your daughter’s body image, let it be this: model the same kindness and respect toward yourself that you hope she will show herself. Children learn just as much from what we do as what we say.
Don’t put yourself down, and model the same self-respect and confidence you hope your daughter will develop. She will follow your lead for the rest of her life, so make sure you work on loving and respecting your body, too.
