We last explored Enneagram Type 8 — Challenger Moms. Today we are diving into the world of Enneagram Type 9 Peacemaker moms. These Moms are the mediators of the group. Here are some ways Peacemaker Moms can use their naturally easygoing personalities to become the best versions of themselves.

Enneagram Type 9 Moms—The Peacemaker Mom

Enneagram 9s tend to be optimistic, trusting, and passive. They, quite literally, keep the peace through their ability to see all perspectives. They value inner stability, or “peace of mind.” They fear loss and separation from those they love. Here are some helpful parenting tips for Enneagram Type 9s:

1. Accept that you are entitled to your own identity.

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” – 14th Dalai Lama

Enneagram 9s tend to fear losing or being separated from the people they love above all else. As a parent who is a 9, stop caring so much about what other people, including your kids, think. It is okay to say “no” to your kids’ demands and ask for what you need. Take care not to deny your feelings and desires to placate others around you, as you will likely lose yourself in the process. You can be your own unique person with unique needs, tastes, dislikes, dreams, desires, fears, and goals.

2. Don’t avoid conflicts.

As mediators, Enneagram 9s often struggle to assert their own opinions. It is okay to set boundaries and state your opinions and desires, even when this causes conflict. It is okay to rock the boat from time to time as long as you are being respectful. Always be direct when voicing your concerns, so your kids don’t have to guess what you mean. No one is a mindreader. 

3. Get comfortable with negative feelings.

“I think it’s an impulse for human beings to want to suffer less, and we’re kind of addicted to comfort at all costs – at least, I am.” – Jeff Bridges

Enneagram 9s tend to avoid conflict and ignore their negative feelings to keep the peace. As a parent who is a 9, don’t let prioritizing a false sense of comfort keep you from addressing problems. Always recognize and validate your negative feelings and your children’s negative emotions before you move forward together. Your kids need to learn healthy coping skills to deal with inevitable episodes of grief, loss, stress, and rejection in adulthood.

4. Learn to be more self-aware.

“When I discover who I am, I’ll be free.” – Ralph Ellison, American novelist

Enneagram 9s often struggle with self-awareness. As a parent who is a 9, learn to pay more attention to your physical and emotional needs. Exercise regularly. Eat healthy meals. Drink plenty of water. Take frequent breaks. Go to the doctor as needed. Don’t disregard your mind and body when they try to tell you that something is wrong. (My mother-in-law, an Enneagram 9, once waited several weeks to get an X-ray after she fell and broke her arm.) Remember to always take care of yourself to continue to take care of your kids and everyone else that is important to you.

5. Teach your kids how to be independent.

“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” – Coco Chanel

As peacemakers, Enneagram 9s tend to struggle to make their own decisions without seeking others’ input. They worry about causing problems or upsetting other people. Your children need to see that you are resourceful and trust yourself enough to make your own choices and then stand by them. They will one day need the courage and confidence to do the same.

6. Show your kids how to engage in healthy discourse.

“In seeking truth you have to get both sides of a story.” – Walter Cronkite

Enneagram 9s value preserving the peace, often to a fault. Show your kids that it is okay and normal for people to question authority or to disagree with one another regularly. Everyone is entitled to their own differing opinion or perspective, even you. Conflict can be a healthy part of relationships as long as disagreement doesn’t escalate into violence, manipulation, or disrespect. Lead by example in clearly stating your point of view and standing up for yourself respectfully whenever possible.

If you don’t know your Enneagram type yet and want to find out, it’s as easy as taking a test online here. You can read through The Enneagram Institute’s descriptions of the nine types here. There is also a free enneagram-type test available through Your Enneagram Coach here.