How To Discipline a Child Without Yelling

Discipline is how you respond when your child breaks a rule or behaves in a way that goes against your family’s values. The goal is to teach them which behaviors are inappropriate and help them avoid repeating those behaviors.

Of course, our children’s behavior can push our buttons, making it harder to respond thoughtfully. Thinking about your approach to discipline ahead of time gives you strategies to use in the heat of the moment, when you may feel stressed or upset.

4 Ways To Approach Child Discipline

There is so much information about different parenting styles and how to manage discipline in your family, which can be overwhelming.

Please note that I will not be covering any physical forms of discipline. Research tells us that physical punishment is not effective for long-term behavior change.¹ Children respond out of fear, not truly learning how or why they need to change their behavior.¹

The four approaches below are some of the ways parents handle discipline. These summaries can help you consider which approach might fit your child’s behavior and temperament. Take time to research these approaches and discuss with your family (or partner) what you feel is best and how you might apply a particular discipline style.

Gentle Discipline

Gentle discipline focuses on preventing problems. It does not concentrate on shaming the child but on redirecting their attention or distracting them from the issue. It also centers on developing clear expectations and consistency so children learn how to behave.

Parents are responsible for managing their own emotions when dealing with their child’s behavior challenges. They also model and demonstrate how to handle big or intense emotions to help their children cope.

Instead of offering punishment or a consequence, gentle discipline might focus on building a connection with your child and developing their awareness of what is appropriate and expected (or not).

For example, your four-year-old wants a toy that a friend is playing with. When they don’t get it, they scream and shout. A parent using gentle discipline would focus on redirecting their energy and attention, but would also acknowledge their feelings and set the expectations moving forward.

“I can see you are upset because you wanted the toy. Although you want it, shouting at your friend is not the best choice. Next time, you can try to ask nicely or wait for your turn. Let’s see if we can find something else to play with instead.”

Related: Gentle Parenting: What It Is and How to Practice It

Emotion Coaching

This style of discipline focuses on teaching children about their emotions. If children can understand their feelings, they can express them. When they can adequately express themselves, they can use strategies to cope rather than automatically reacting to a situation.

A parent’s role in this discipline style is to normalize and validate their children’s emotional experiences and support them in learning how to manage big feelings. Instead of delivering a consequence or punishment for your child’s behavior, you might focus on identifying their emotions and helping them cope with the feelings underpinning their behavior.

Using the example above (your four-year-old wants to play with someone else’s toy), you might say:

“I can see you feel frustrated and upset that you can’t play with that toy. It’s so hard to wait. Let’s take a few deep breaths to help you feel calm, and then we could have a hug if you would like? Once you feel better, let’s talk about things we can try when we find it hard to wait our turn.” 

Boundary-Based Discipline

This discipline style focuses on making rules and setting limits before a particular situation. This way, a child understands what is expected of them before entering any situation. The child is given a choice as to how they respond, but they are given clear consequences if they choose not to follow their parents’ expectations.

The consequences are always logical or natural. For instance, they break a toy, so they can’t play with it anymore. This is a natural consequence. For a young child, breaking a toy and not getting dessert might not have a clear link regarding how a toy and dessert relate to each other. They don’t learn as quickly if the consequence doesn’t feel logical.

With this discipline style, the goal is to set a limit for your child and clearly outline what will happen if they do not follow the limit you’ve set.

Using the example already provided, you might say, “I can see that you would like a turn with that toy. However, your friend is playing with it right now. You can ask nicely for a turn or wait until they are finished. If you continue shouting, you won’t be able to play with that toy. The decision is yours. Which will you choose?”

Behavior Modification

This type of discipline works by reinforcing good behavior with a reward. To discourage misbehavior, a parent may use a consequence such as the loss of a privilege. The parent often ignores protests or negotiations.

A typical example of this discipline style is setting up a reward chart with clear steps or requirements for getting a star that leads to a reward. The reward could be physical (a gift or small token, or being allowed to do something) or emotional (praise).

A consequence could be removing something they want to enjoy, like their favorite toys, TV, or video games. These consequences are not necessarily logical or natural, and children may feel upset when they lose access to something they enjoy.

Using the same example, a consequence may look like, “It’s not okay to shout at your friend. If you continue shouting, then when we get home, you won’t be able to play your video game.”

Discipline Styles To Avoid

As I mentioned, physical punishment such as smacking or hitting, and harsh verbal discipline such as shouting, threats, and put-downs, are not effective ways to teach lasting behavior change.^{1, 2, 3} Although children may become compliant, this is not because they have truly understood the error of their ways or learned to manage the big feelings that sometimes underpin challenging behavior. Instead, they may become fearful of their parent and learn to comply to avoid hurt.

Another reason this discipline style isn’t effective is that children can lose trust in the primary attachment figures (parents). They may become more secretive or avoid being open with their parents because they fear their response. Again, this isn’t the child learning what is appropriate behavior. They may get better at hiding the behavior.

Choosing an Approach for Your Family

Choosing an approach to discipline is personal to your family. It will be based on your morals and temperament, as well as your child’s. It should also take into consideration your philosophies and values as a family. An approach that helps in one situation may not help in another.

You might need to try a few different strategies until you find something effective for you and your family.